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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Soup and Canasta

Every now and then people ask me about The Handsome Prince. Is he still around? How's he doing? Are we still friends? Yes, great, and of course. There are a couple of things I can count on in this world. Cher will always do another farewell tour, and The Handsome Prince and I will always be friends.

This weekend I really wanted to relax and lay low. Friday night I was in bed with a good book by 9:30 p.m., and I woke up on Saturday at 5:30 in the morning. I did my laundry, went to the grocery store, and even made some turkey chili. That afternoon, The Handsome Prince called and said he was all alone that night. He invited me over to taste his squash soup and play canasta. I told him I'd also bring some turkey chili over. "Great! We'll have a soup buffet!"

We can tell each other anything. We laugh so much when we're together. Our friendship is sustaining and powerful. His squash soup kicks ass. He even lied and said that my turkey chili tasted good. Then we had one of the most competitive canasta games I've ever played. He won, but barely.

I miss living with him and The Math Whiz sometimes, but I really love living alone now. My apartment is a sanctuary, and at the end of every day I always look forward to going home. On Sunday night Auburn Pisces came over to watch Wanda Sykes' stand-up special with me. She really liked my apartment too, and she now understands why I fell in love with the place. Afterwards we went to CC Slaughters and had a great time watching the Sunday night "Carnivale de Bolivia" drag show.

I had such a great weekend, and I just wanted to tell you about it.

Friday, October 27, 2006

No More Cockadoodie Hiatus

Okay, I hear you. I'm sorry. I know you're my biggest fan, and I realize you have a sledgehammer, so I'll get to writing.

Hiatus was nice. I liked going about my business for a week and not having to think about a way to "make it interesting". And, yes, quiconque, you were right. I did take some time off, in part, so I could spend more time on the podcast. The Todd & Pony Show has been so much fun.

I really love the collaboration with Pony and Juju. They are great to work with. The Halloween Show is going up today, and I can't wait to listen to it. Funny - I almost never go back and read my previous blog posts, but I usually listen to my own podcast at least twice.

You know what would be cool? It would be cool if I had even a teeny tiny bit of web design skill so that I could update Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. Like, it would be cool if I could have a link to From Boys to Men, the anthology in which I'm published.

I could ask Pony to update my site, but he's so busy with - oh, right. The podcast. I'm supposed to be talking about the podcast.

Anyway, I'm sorry for being gone for a week and for leaving such an oogie mess.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Fun Things

Last night we had so much fun recording our Halloween podcast. It will be up on October 27. Juju and Pony and I laughed till we hurt. Man, I am loving the podcast. I have to admit that I'm spending lots more time podcasting than I am blogging, but I just enjoy it so much. Blogging can be very solitary, whereas podcasting with Pony and Juju has been much more engaging. I enjoy the collaboration so much.

Have you listened to a Todd & Pony Show yet? You can listen without an iPod or MP3 player by just going to the website. Our last show was a drunkcast, and we almost didn't put it up for our listeners. But Juju convinced us that it was fun to listen to, so that should go up tonight or tomorrow.

Oh, and if you have a podcast of your own, please let me know either by leaving a comment or sending an e-mail. I love downloading podcasts to my phone, which has iTunes on it. Then I listen to the podcasts while I'm at work.

Today was pretty fun too - I went to Macy's and bought a pair of jeans with a gift card. They're a size smaller than I was wearing before, but they are still one size bigger than I want to be. Since I'm walking to and from work every day, it shouldn't be too much longer till I can buy yet another pair of new jeans.

I also bought a new pair of boxer briefs. They're sexy. The boy who rang up my purchase wrote his name on my receipt so that I could comment on his customer service if I wanted. But I think he really did it because he wanted to see me in the boxer briefs, don't you?

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Blographaphobia

I made that word up. Graphophobia is the fear of writing, so I've decided "Blographaphobia" is the fear of updating one's blog.

I'm preparing for tonight's recording session by researching various phobias. I guess there are several fears I have that could be classified as rather mild phobias. But right now I'm mostly feeling Blographaphobia.

This irrational fear comes from a concern that anything I write will fall into one of the following categories:

1. It will be irrelevant and boring.
2. It will be inflammatory. (The debate about Muslim veils. ARGH!)
3. It will get me fired.
4. It will make someone feel left out.
5. It will cause God to smite me and/or cause an earthquake that will occur right as I am walking home over the Burnside Bridge, and I'll fall into the river and die.

Did you know that Ithyphallophobia is the fear of erect penises? I can't imagine. On the contrary, I am quite the Ithyphallophile.

(Maybe I'll wear water wings and a helmet as I walk home tonight)

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Random Acts of Craziness

20% of my keyword search hits today came from people googling "Random Acts of Craziness".

In celebration of that fact, I ran around the office and gathered up all the trash cans from everyone's desks. Then I put the trash cans on the elevator and sent it to the lobby level.

Today I decided that I need to get my hands on a human tooth that I can keep at my desk. Then if I feel like I want to go home from work early, I will just run over to my boss and show him the tooth.

"My tooth fell out! It just fell right out of my mouth! I have to get to a dentist!"

The detached tooth excuse will probably work as long as I don't overuse it. Maybe only once every couple months. And I will definitely have to use a back tooth, unless I want to blacken my front tooth, which I will probably do at Halloween anyway since I am planning on being Princess Diana (if she were still alive and if she were missing a front tooth).

There is a lady that works here who has the last name of "Friend", and I would imagine it puts a lot of pressure on her to be nice to people.

If I ever change my name, I would like to hyphenate it. Hello, my name is Todd Raging-Bitch.

Did everyone come out of the closet yesterday? I hope so, because I did not get one single e-mail asking for advice. If you still would like to come out of the closet and would like my advice, you will need to wait until next year for National Coming Out day. Until then, please remain firmly wedged inside your closet of shame. Or you can check and see if National Coming Out Day falls on another date in some other country. I think it happens sometime in December in Namibia.

I know that sometimes my blog seems like I'm getting all serious, but I assure you these sorts of thoughts are always present in my brain, and it is probably going to get worse as I continue aging. Brace yourself.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

National Coming Out Day



Today is National Coming Out Day. The Human Rights Campaign has published A Resource Guide for Coming Out on their site. Check it out!


A couple years ago, I wrote a post for Jase because he told me he was ready to come out to his friends and family, and he wanted my advice. You can find that post here.


I still find myself coming out to people all the time. I don't know that we ever really complete the process. I can tell you this -- It is a beautiful thing to be authentic. It is wonderful not to hide. There is nothing like taking back your power. Nobody has the power to make me ashamed any longer.

Do you want to come out, but you're afraid? Have you experienced coming out? Do you have a friend or family member who came out to you?

If you would like to share your story with me, please send an e-mail or leave a comment. I will respect your privacy and am also allowing anonymous comments for this post. If you'd like others to hear your story, let me know and I will do my best to share as many stories as I can either on the Todd & Pony Show or here at Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Why Hot Toddy Failed Algebra in High School

I am a smart guy. I graduated magna cum laude, and I have never had a GPA lower than 3.7 in college or high school. I was also on the Dean's List in college every single quarter. (We were not on the semester system.)

However, I don't have a head for numbers. So yesterday I wasn't trying to be funny when I said being 40 was like 3 twenty-year-olds put together. Sad, but true.

In high school I failed Algebra II. Right after my math teacher told me I was failing her class, I was summoned to the principal's office and given an award for academic achievement. Weird, huh? I guess my other grades were so good that I could afford to be a failure at something.

There are lots of things I'm pretty stupid about, in spite of my intelligence. Wanna hear about some more things I know nothing about? Check out the latest Todd and Pony Show. We call it, "The Know Show".

You don't have to have an iPod to listen - you can listen to the podcast from our website. If you would like to leave us a review on iTunes or would like to call the comment line, that information is also posted on the site.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Older

I'm 40 now. That is like three 20-year-olds put together. As I reflect on that fact, it occurs to me that I would like to put three 20-year-olds together and have a four-way with them. The trick is finding three 20-year-olds who want to be with a 40-year-old man.

Pony and I shared our birthday party this year, and we rented an amazing house on the Oregon Coast. But, because of occupancy limits and vehicle limits, we could each only invite 5 people. That was hard. Now I worry that my friends who weren't invited will feel like they didn't make "The Top 5" list. Isn't that stupid of me? We'll see how it goes.

Thinking strategically, I chose 5 people who I knew would cater to my needs.

I chose one friend who can cook (The Handsome Prince), one friend who makes great margaritas (Auburn Pisces), one friend who sleeps with me sometimes (Willie), one friend who makes me laugh (The Math Whiz), and one friend who is my personal sex therapist and counselor (Juju). It was like being on Survivor and having a chance to be team captain in choosing my own tribe.

Juju couldn't make it due to illness. I was really disappointed, but it was beyond anyone's control. She asked me today how we can celebrate my birthday here in town, and I don't know how (or if) I really want to do that. In a way, I'd like to let this whole turning 40 thing blow over. Let's just pretend the birthday never happened.

Before I left for the coast, my mom sent me an e-mail warning, "Please be careful of sharks." God, I love my mom.

I shared laughs with my friends, we drank heartily, played canasta, ate birthday cake, swam in the indoor wave pool, sat around the fire pit, listened to the waves and ate fabulous food.

In all honesty, the highlight of my birthday this year was walking through the door of my apartment on Sunday evening and soaking up the silence. I let out a deep sigh and lit some scented candles. Then I made myself something to eat, put my feet up, engaged in some sexual self-gratification, watched a little television and played World of Warcraft. At the end of the evening, I knew that I can take better care of myself than anyone else can, and I said out loud, "Happy Birthday, Todd".

I crawled into my comfy bed by myself, turned on a fan for "white noise", and I quickly fell asleep very happy to be with the one person who loves me more than anybody.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Wash World

I love the smell of fresh bread baking in the factory near my apartment. I love hearing the riverboats tooting their horns on the Willamette in the morning. I love the sound of the train as it passes by late at night. But one part of my new living situation that I do not appreciate is the fact that I must now make regular visits to the laundromat.

I chose Wash World because of its proximity to Wild Oats and Starbucks. I am still searching for an "upscale" laundromat but haven't found one yet. I guess, theoretically, if you are upscale like me you should really have your own washer and dryer. One nice thing about Wash World is that snacks are available, so I don't even need to leave the laundromat if I get hungry.



The dryers at Wash World are incredibly hot.



However, none of the people at Wash World are incredibly hot. That is why I bring magazines with me - so I have something to look at. It is very important to commandeer a laundry cart right away. It makes clothes sorting/folding so much easier. This is my laundromat survival kit.




Fortunately, I did not have any problems with "jambing" when I used the change machine. I believe "jamb" is short for jambalaya in this context.



Thank you for coming to Wash World. Hurry back!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Ready For My Close-Up

I just found out what happened in Pompeii in 79 AD. Yeah, I don't read the newspapers much.

Last week a vendor took us to lunch and we talked about Pompeii and the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. What else would you talk about at a business lunch? Anyway, that's when I found out that plaster casts of the victims were part of the Pompeii tourist experience. After Pompeii's ruins were discovered, void spaces in the ash were found. These spaces, once filled with human remains, were then filled with plaster duplicates of the victims.

Perhaps that is why last night I had a dream that a volcano exploded in Portland. The Portland volcano was inside a shopping mall, where I had been hanging out with either Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen. (I didn't know which one and it seemed rude to ask, but it wasn't the anarchic one.) After Mary-Kate or Ashley left to go to The Gap (wouldn't go with her - hate The Gap), the volcano started to explode inside the mall and people fled screaming in terror. Not me.

In my dream, I wandered around the mall trying to figure out where I wanted to be and what pose I wanted to take in case I was forever preserved in ash. I finally decided that I wanted to be next to this little fountain and wanted to be drinking a cup of coffee, so I sat there drinking coffee as I waited to die.

An attention whore, even at deaths door.