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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Let Them Eat Cake

Last night the Toddtender took me to see Patty Griffin perform at the Oregon Zoo summer concert series. He also informed me that he had VIP tickets from someone who works at Patty's label.

As it turns out, our VIP tickets were useless. We were shocked and a little scared when we learned we would have to sit and mingle with the common people. Since we were expecting VIP seating, we didn't bring chairs or a blanket. When I went to rent a couple chairs for us, I was told they were sold out. Apparently the common people had already rented all the chairs.

It was raining, of course. It never rains during the summer in Oregon, unless you attend an outdoor event and have no chair or blanket to sit on. Fortunately, we found some common people who let us sit with them on their blankets.

Patty was awesome, as always. I was moved so deeply by her performance that I must admit I got a bit weepy at a couple of songs. My common friend, Joe, handed me a napkin to wipe my eyes.

Overall it was an interesting experience to do things like sit in a general admission area and deal with parking lot congestion after the show. I tasted common food as well and found the cheeseburger to be a unique and interesting dish. It's just a beef patty with cheese, really. Nothing to be afraid of.

Thank you, Toddtender, for taking me to see this show and for allowing me to observe common people for an evening. But let's take the helicopter in next time. I didn't like sitting in all that traffic.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


One of the most upsetting moments of my life happened about a year ago when I saw a picture of myself that revealed how fat I had become. I won't go into the myriad of reasons I let myself go so much. When I saw this picture of me and The Toddtender leaving his house to drive up to Vancouver, BC for a softball tournament, I felt sick.

Seeing my stomach protruding from under my shirt as I posed with one of the hottest men I've ever known made me feel so ashamed. I am embarrassed to post this picture even now. But the camera doesn't lie.

Last month I once again left Oregon for a softball tournament up north in Seattle. Here is the photo we snapped before leaving.

That's more like it. I'm never going back to those days of feeling ashamed.

I walk four miles a day, five days a week. I get to the gym for weight training and cardio at least three days a week. I still have body fat to lose, so I am taking drastic measures. This sucks so bad, but I am giving up french fries and soda for six weeks. I love french fries, because they go so well with Heinz ketchup. But sacrifices must be made.

If you struggle with your weight, just know that I understand. It is so hard to believe that change is possible. I carried around a belief that I would always be fat. Maybe I will always be large, but I don't have to be fat. Neither do you. Nobody does.

I think that many of us get discouraged because we set unrealistic goals. Sometimes it really does take a year to accomplish the kind of change we want to see in our bodies. You can't expect a six-week crash diet to fix your problems on any kind of long term basis. Stick with it. Don't give up. Send me an e-mail, and I will encourage you.

One blogger who really inspires me is Donnie

Donnie lost 100 pounds, and if you visit his website you kind find links to some of his older web pages. The changes he has made is dramatic, as you'll see by his photos.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


Jeff, Ryan, Todd and Tim

My roommates on the trip to Seattle were the best.

Saturday night we went to The Cuff, which was five blocks from the hotel. Since I had hurt my leg in the games on Saturday, I decided to leave early so I could go back to the room and rest my leg. I left the bar at 10 p.m.

At around midnight I stumbled into the hotel room. My leg was killing me, and I was starving. Fortunately, my roommates had saved a couple Lean Pockets for me.

Somehow, I took a wrong turn when I left the bar, and I walked my way into a maze of disorientation. I was wandering residential streets several blocks north of my hotel. I couldn't even find anyone around to ask for directions. I watched for a cab, but didn't see a single one drive by. My cell phone was in the hotel room, so I had no choice but to wander.

At one point, I passed an ATM. Showing a complete lack of common sense, I withdrew $100. Somehow it seemed like a good idea to have lots of cash on me as I wandered poorly lit streets late at night by myself. My reasoning, if you can call it that, was that I should have some money on me in the off chance that a cab drove by.

Thank heaven for 7-11. The man behind the counter pointed me towards home, and I arrived exhausted and crabby. The Toddtender, Tim, joked that I was the first to leave the bar and the last to arrive. Ryan said that he figured I had gone home with someone I met.

If anybody had invited me home, trust me, I would have gone with him. I was tired, and my leg was so sore. I would have done just about anything to be in bed. Any bed.

After the tournament, we walked around the market and a kind stranger snapped some photos for us. These guys were so much fun to be with. And I made sure to stick with them for the rest of the trip to make sure I didn't get lost anymore.

Friday, July 06, 2007

First Place

The Bears - Emerald City Classic 2007, Sunday Surge Champions
Seattle, Washington

I let the Toddtender (front row, third from the right) wear my cap for the game, so that's why I'm wearing a CC Slaughters cap. I'm in the back row, next to Joe, who is the guy with the cowboy hat.

I had the best time. I have lots of stories to tell - including one that involves my getting lost for two hours Saturday night after leaving the bar. I was five blocks from my hotel, but it took me two hours to find it.

Now I have a trophy at home. Never thought I'd see the day that I had a sports trophy of any kind!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

First Dance

As you know I was a bridesman in Juju's wedding to Metro at the end of May. Every couple of days more photos arrive in my inbox. I love this one of the bridal party. That's me with Carrie, Juju, and her three sisters, Olivia, Colleen and Laura.

One of the best moments at every wedding reception is when the bride and groom share their first dance. Friends and family watch with tears in their eyes. Such happiness fills the room.

As I watched my friends dance their first dance as man and wife, my heart melted. Romance infused the air and I wished I could dance. The song was beautiful. I looked around as people got up from their chairs to dance, but I sat there wishing.

I could have stood up and asked some girl to dance, but my heart wanted to dance with a boy. It was such a romantic moment, and dancing with a girl just wouldn't fit the way my heart felt. That is what being gay is about - not sex - but just a yearning for someone of the same gender. Sometimes you see girls dancing together at a club or a party, but you don't see this as much with men.

Since I don't have a boyfriend, I knew I would just have to wait for something upbeat before I could dance. I would have to miss the slow dance. I would have to miss the very special first dance. All of a sudden, Metro's best man, who is straight, walked over to me as if he read my mind, and he held out his hand. For the first time in my whole life, I danced a first dance at a wedding.

Here he is toasting the bride and groom at the bar after the wedding reception. (Sorry I don't have one with his eyes open)

Thank you for the dance, Gabe. It meant more to me than you could know.

Hot Toddy