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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Saturday, April 26, 2008

The Great Depression

I just returned from Fred Meyer with groceries. I feel so happy. Now I have food to eat, milk to drink and toilet paper to rub gently on the side of my face like they do on tv commercials.

There was a time, not so long ago, known as The Great Depression. This was an awful time to be alive*. In fact, I don't understand why it's not called The Awful Depression since there were not many great things about it. For example, we did not have access to fully-stocked grocery stores. We had to eat at Taco Bell or Wendy's, and this made everyone depressed. Also, this was before America's Next Top Model or Lost were on television, so there really wasn't much reason to be alive anyway.

It was AN horrible time to be alive. Sometimes you would see a beggar on the street playing AN harmonica and feel so badly that you did not have two pennies to rub together, because nothing is more fun than rubbing change in front of a beggar.

I remember well the conversations during The Fabulous Depression.

"How are you today, kind madame?"

"I'm very depressed."

"Me too, kind madame."

"Also, I'm a dude, so stop calling me 'kind madame'."

"Very sorry, Miss."

And so it went. I'm proud to be a survivor of The Spectacular Depression. It helps me appreciate the little things like Lean Cuisine Flatbread sandwiches, which you can find in the frozen foods aisle at your local market.

*I was not alive during The Great Depression, but I have nothing of interest to blog about and am forced to resort to the invention of fantasy lives in other eras in order to keep the interest of my 7 remaining readers.

Friday, April 25, 2008

This seemed hilarious when I thought of it at 4 a.m.

Money is really tight right now. I need to start shopping at discount stores. Or, at least, stores that don't have security of any kind.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Girls who do comedy episode 2-2

To be honest, I am just posting this so I can remember which episode I left off on. I'm loving this series.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Jann Arden

I saw Jann Arden in concert tonight. She was fabulous. Just Jann and two band members. It was intimate and wonderful.

Jann Arden's music was played a big part in my getting together with CT back in 1995. One night we talked about her song 'Insensitive' and suddenly found ourselves revealing our true feelings about each other. Seven years later, we broke up and Jann's music brought me solace and comfort in the midst of the biggest break-up of my life.

It was great to hear her singing live tonight. If you don't know her music, I urge you to check her out. As an added bonus, she is absolutely hilarious in concert. Her stories are so funny. I love this woman!

Monday, April 07, 2008

Dating 101

I suck at dating.

You need only click through previous entries of Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven (2003-2005) to fully understand my sordid dating history. Sure, there were some bright spots (Pony!), but I also dated some black holes. But I don't mean black. Another word goes there.

But that is all behind me now. After years of bad decisions and "desperation dating", I took a couple years off from dating. I didn't even think it was possible for me to restrain myself from my driving desire to hook up, get crushed out, fall in love, and be swept off my feet.

Elizabeth Gilbert, in her book Eat, Pray, Love, describes her series of dating missteps this way.

"... let's be honest -- it might be a generous public service for me to leave intimacy alone for a while. When I scan back on my romantic record, it doesn't look so good. It's been one catastrophe after another. How many more different types of men can I keep trying to love, and continue to fail? Think of it this way -- if you'd had ten serious traffic accidents in a row, wouldn't they eventually take your driver's license away? Would you kind of want them to?"

I revoked my own dating license in the summer of 2005, and I have taken some remedial classes (self-study) on relationships. So here is where I am now. At 41, I'm so happy with my life. I enjoy my days and nights in my own apartment without a roommate or live-in boyfriend or partner. I love my own company. I make myself laugh. I like burning food in the oven on purpose because I think things taste good when they're crunchy. I use a lint brush as my vacuum cleaner on the rugs. I have a framed picture of Nellie Oleson on my wall, and a marionette hangs from the ceiling of my kitchen. Sometimes I play music on my computer while the radio is on in my bedroom, and then I flip on the tv and mute it just for visual stimulus. I keep crazy hours. Sometimes I like to go to bed at 9 p.m., and the next night I might feel like staying up till 4 a.m. just to drink wine and stare out my kitchen window at the spinning loaf of bread on top of the bread factory a couple blocks away.

Pippi Longstocking used to walk on the furniture and never let her feet touch the floor. She'd jump from the kitchen counter to the kitchen table. She kept a horse and a monkey in her house. She did whatever she wanted. Pippi had the right idea. (And if you say my name fast, it's funny too.)

But I also have a heart that wants to connect with a man in an amazing way. I want to love again. I want to turn my light back on and say that I'm open for business. But I don't ever want to give it all away until there is nothing left of me. I did that too many times for too many people.

So, it is back to the drawing board. I'm starting over with the dating thing, and this time I know what I'm doing. My intention is to enjoy the company of many different men. I will respect them all, and I will make every attempt to show them a good time. But I do not need anything to "work out". There is no end goal in all of this. I'm not secretly hoping to get someone to fall for me, and I am not plotting to get laid or even get a goodnight kiss out of the deal. I just want to open myself up to new experiences with new people.

I recently took a guy I like to see a show. We had appetizers and cocktails and then saw this really great play. And last night I asked out someone else. I also have tentative plans with two other guys in the coming weeks. I have no expectations and do not feel particularly attached to the outcome of these dates. My only hope is that we enjoy shared experiences and have a good time together.


Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Raw Meat

Pony finally got it up.

What I mean is, the new Todd & Pony Show is ready for your listening pleasure!

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