Have you ever heard of an ugly cloud?

Last night in my sleep I had the most profound dream. A message was delivered to me, and now I will share it with you. This message can only be from a higher power, as it explains so much about our world.

If you are depressed, prepare to shed your scales of gloom. If you question whether or not your life has purpose, your answer is here. This amazing truth was shared with me last night in a dream. The messenger was a girl with a wooden leg. (Seriously, wooden. It had tree bark on it and everything.)

We were discussing sadness, and this is what my arboreal friend had to say on the matter...

"Why do you think it is always misty? Maybe our souls leave our body and meet each other at the bus stop. This forms misty clouds. Have you ever heard of an ugly cloud?"

I woke up in the middle of the night and just knew I had to blog this message. Clearly, it is going to change some lives.

You're welcome.

See you at the bus stop.

Always a bridesman, never a groom...

Dragon Lady

Amber is back from camp! You can read about her experience here.

Pony and I were really happy to be able to help her out, and we're thankful to all the listeners of the Todd & Pony Show who donated to Amber. I know she appreciates your generosity and so do I.

Much love to all of you,
Toddy

God hates poor spellers

When I was at the Gay Games in Chicago last summer, I saw a protester who had misspelled the word judgment on his sign. I think that probably makes God angry.

Today I'll be joining hundreds or thousands (I wonder who counts all those people. I would hate that job, wouldn't you? "Okay, everybody please stand still I'm trying to count here....") of other people downtown for Gay Pride. (Every writing teacher I have ever had is turning over in his or her grave at my sentence structure - except for the ones who are alive. I don't know really know how they are responding. If you taught me in a writing class, please leave a comment and let me know how you feel about my run-on sentences and poor use of parenthetical statements.)

(Thanks.)

Anyway. I was planning on writing about protesters, but now I don't feel like it. I really hate to waste my time giving them a moment's thought. But on this happy weekend, I am pretty sure I will run into a handful of people who think God hates fags or that "Jugement is coming". I am not sure if I want to ignore them this year. Usually that is how I choose to respond, but I was thinking of maybe retaliating with some criticism of my own. "Sir, you have really awful handwriting," I will say to the man holding the hateful sign. I mean, it's better than screaming at them, right?

But, no, it is wrong to make people feel bad for who they are. If a person has poor handwriting, it is not for me to judge. I hate the handwriting and love the writer.

Hi there

Not only did I give up television. I gave up all technology, including computers. I stopped blogging and became Amish.

Actually, life just got busy. Busier. Juju is on her honeymoon so I am doing double duty at work.

I haven't been sleeping well. I am trying to decide which nightmare is my favorite lately. The one where someone is breaking into my apartment? How about the vicious lion showing up at work? The other night I dreamed I was clawing my face off in my sleep.

Get some therapy. That's what you're thinking. The thing is I do not feel unhappy or particularly anxious. I'm not sure why my dreams at night are so strange and disturbing. I've had therapy in the past and always knew I needed it. Right now I honestly feel good about my life.

I am hoping to go on a trip to Texas next month. I miss my family and want some time with them.

What else? Oh, please read the book Eat.Pray.Love.

I heard about this book on The Satellite Sisters and had to read it. One of the most inspiring books I have ever read, and it should be mandatory reading for those of us who have been serial monogamists. For about 10 years I was one of those people who always had a boyfriend (sometimes they overlapped) - I couldn't be alone. This book is all about making peace with yourself and learning how to be by yourself and love it.

My french press is ready. Gotta go!

No more Supernanny?!?

I am thinking about giving up television. Just thinking about it. Don't hold me to it or anything.

There is a noisy lack of silence in my life, so tonight I just skipped happy hour and came home to read a good book. I did not turn on the television. My home is silent.

As I stirred my dinner of black beans and rice on the stove, I listened to the spoon lightly scraping against the bottom of the pot. The sound of the water boiling gradually grew louder. Now I can hear it simmering softly on the stove.

When I eat my dinner I am going to eat in silence. Maybe I won't be able to make it through a quiet dinner alone. Maybe I'll crumble under the pressure and put on some music. But I'm not going to turn on the tv tonight.

The thing with television is this - it never stops. I tape a few shows every day, and then I have to catch up with them on the weekend. While I am watching one show, I am told that I really should watch it again tomorrow, because it will be even more exciting than the episode I am currently watching. Then there are commercials for other shows that I am supposed to watch later. Stuff that I never even thought I wanted to see suddenly becomes so important it feels like I should write it on a calendar.

TUESDAY - DR PHIL ASKS NEGLIGENT MOTHER "HOW'S THAT WORKING OUT FOR YOU?"

Wow. That sounds amazing. Who would want to miss that?!

There will always be someone leaving The View, and there will always be another contestant voted off the island or sent home because America voted. Ellen will just get funnier and funnier. More plot twists will unfold and new heroes with amazing powers will be revealed.

When will it all stop? I guess it won't stop until I make it stop.

I'm so afraid of becoming weird. Out of touch. If I just quit watching television, won't I become backward and socially clumsy?

I'm not saying I'm going to do it. I'm just thinking about it.

Now back to my book...

Not a single cupcake ruined

Don't Eat Before Bedtime

Last night I had a dream that David Hasselhoff was my stepfather, and he took me to a baseball game. While I was sitting there with my stepfather, David Hasselhoff, one of my friends shouted down from his seat a couple rows behind us, "Hot Toddy, is that your stepdad?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Is that you-know-who?" my friend asked.

My stepfather smiled at me. "Yes," I shouted to my friend. "Can you believe my stepdad is him?"

We weren't shouting his name back and forth across the rows because my stepfather David Hasselhoff doesn't want any more press at this time. We were protecting his anonymity. But if you had a dream that you were at a baseball game last night and you could have sworn you saw Hot Toddy with his new stepdad in your dream, you did. And, yes, it was David Hasselhoff.

Be Nice to Joni Mitchell

Well, I am just in the worst mood this morning because of a dream I had last night. Joni Mitchell was cast on MTV's Real World and the other girls in the house were completely dissing Joni.

Dream?! What am I saying? This was no dream. This was a nightmare!

I wanted to clock those girls for being mean to Legendary Folk Singer Joni Mitchell. They have no idea what true talent looks like.

I just need to shake it off. I'll think positive thoughts today. I'll think about the people who donated money so my friend Amber could go to camp. That makes my day every time I think about it. Listeners of the Todd & Pony Show donated almost $300 to Amber last month, and we gave her the check on Thursday. We had a great time with Amber. I love that girl, and I am certain she would never disrespect Joni Mitchell.

Cupcake Picker Upper

I have been asked to pick up the cupcakes for Juju's wedding on Sunday. I have awful images of slamming on my brakes at a stoplight and dumping the wedding dessert all over the floor of my truck. What if I fall while I'm carrying the cupcakes into the reception hall? What if I am just really hungry (and drunk) and eat all the cupcakes before I get them to the party?

This will be an amazing weekend. Juju was my roommate after I split with my partner. She was my counselor and my confidante and my source of strength and hope during those early days of my scary new single status.



I've seen her grow so much over the years. And she is marrying a man I love with all my heart. I'd be marrying him myself if he was into that. Metro is all heart. He is more than just a fun guy to hang out with. He is a friend who takes care of me and always makes sure I know how much he loves me.



To see such powerful people uniting in marriage is just amazing.



I went and tried on my tux today. Frankly, it looked so good on me that I wanted to marry myself. I am already very sexually active with myself, so it probably makes sense to go ahead and take the leap into marriage.

Triangle Hero

My friend Superman is now starring in his first YouTube video. If you have played Guitar Hero and enjoyed it, you'll love Triangle Hero.

You may recognize Superman from his work on the Portland stage. He was hilarious in the fabulous play I wrote, Spud Toppers. He also toured with Scotty Iseri, so maybe you caught him in that show.

Question: If you adopt a child and then decide it is not working out, can you put the child back up for adoption? No, I have not adopted a child, but I would like an answer to this question just in case I ever decide to try it someday.

Shocking Vegas Update

I'm back from Vegas, and I still have $100. To me that's like leaving a party when there's still Maker's Mark in the bottle, but somehow I managed to do it.

One of my favorite things about Vegas was the pillow talk. Now, I know this is sappy, but I haven't talked quietly in bed with someone for well over a year. But on this trip I shared a bed with Superman, and at the end of the first night we talked for a few minutes in bed. I told him a short anecdote from my past - a very inconsequential story signifying nothing - but in the dark of night under the covers it felt like a profound secret shared only by the two of us.

Before you freak out - no, I'm not in love. I am just saying that I miss pillow talk, and I didn't realize I missed it until Friday night.

Just like I didn't realize how much I missed the Portland rain until I returned from the desert last evening. We were greeted by a gloriously cool evening and refreshing raindrops falling from the sky.

Vegas, Baby

I'm heading to Vegas, but not without giving you something to keep you entertained...

Pony and I just recorded Show #40 of the Todd & Pony Show. Watch for it soon.

Even if you don't listen to Show #39 (why wouldn't you?) you gotta go read the show notes written by Zeroes. (He's such a cutie, isn't he?) Check out the website here.

See ya next week!

Love,
Toddy

Dude, Where's My Post?

I've been horrible about updating Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven, and I offer my sincerest Alex-Baldwin-Don-Imus apology.

First things first. Let me say that I absolutely LOVE the Toddtender. He doesn't care for my referencing other bartenders in Portland, so I need to state, for the record, that he is still my favorite.

Also - this weekend The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz had their wedding. It was awesome. Everybody cried, everybody laughed, everybody got drunk (I hope - I don't wanna be the only one....)

Pony was the wedding DJ. He was fantastic. All that training as a Second Life DJ must have paid off.

Hi Pam! I was glad to see you at the wedding. You are such a hottie. I'm sorry I didn't mention you before now. I'm glad you read the Toaster Oven, and thank you for telling me at the wedding reception that you want me to keep blogging.

Tying up all my loose ends here - - trying to think of what I haven't mentioned yet. This weekend I'm going to Las Vegas for Metro's bachelor party. Can you imagine how much fun that will be? I practiced tonight and won 20 bucks playing video slots at the bar. It is important to train if you are going to gamble in Vegas!

Life is good. Assume that if I am NOT blogging it is because I'm having a blast. Oh, and check out the latest Todd & Pony Show for more incredibly fascinating details of my life. We had a special guest this week. Juju was there, and we gave her a big surprise!

Cocktail Recipe: The Pony

Pony ordered me a drink tonight at the bar, and it was so amazing I have to share it with you.

It's a Lemon Drop with Absolut Vanilla instead of Absolut Citron. Try it. It tastes like key lime pie. He likes it with bitters. I like it without bitters.

We don't know if there is already a drink recipe with those ingredients, so we are pretending he invented it. YUM!!!

More in-depth reporting on the important issues of today will be posted soon. Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven is your source for what's happening in the world!!

Thank You Painters

I walked home tonight and turned the corner to my apartment and was surprised to see a big red building in place of my drab tan apartment building. They painted the building today. I was so surprised and so happy.

I love my apartment so much. I can't express how much I love it. Maybe the fact that I was in a cult for 3 years and lived with way too many men at once and shared everything (like Jesus and his disciples did) and never had a place of my own....

Shortly after I came out I was snagged by a super hot actor and became his partner and promptly moved in with him. We had a cute bungalow in NE Portland and lived together for 7 years. Then I moved in with Juju. Then I moved in with The Handsome Prince. Then I moved in with Auburn Pisces. But now it is just me, me, ME. My place. My bedroom. My home. I absolutely love it. My one bedroom apartment with beautiful, although slanted, hardwood floors and french doors off the bedroom is wonderful!

Tonight I visited my friend Zeroes at the bar where he works. The sun was shining and the garage doors were open at the bar so fresh air and spring breezes wafted through the bar. It was wonderful. I felt as if I were having Berry Vodka Lemonades at a resort beach bar. Zeroes is a good, good person. He is very important to me.

I felt like I was cheating on CC Slaughters, but I needed to break out of my routine, and Red Cap Garage is the place to go on nice days! The weather in Portland was amazing today. Everyone in this town was so happy. Imagine if you lived in a city where you had 6 months or more of rain and gray skies everyday and suddenly were blessed with a sunny day and 70 degree temperatures. It was heaven.

Not Dead Yet.

Today I was playing World of Warcraft (I watched the sun rise over Kalimdor - it rises in the Northwest - isn't that weird?) and everything froze up while I was flying over the Blasted Lands. Then a blue screen appeared. I thought it was The Blue Screen of Death that I've heard so much about. But it wasn't. It was definitely a blue screen, but apparently it wasn't the one of DEATH.

My first thought was, "Oh my god. My computer is broken. I can't blog at work, and now I can't blog at home. It's over. Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven is over."

Can you imagine a worse situation? Nobody would ever again be able to hear about how much I love Donny & Marie and Heinz Ketchup and Asian men. There would be no more updates about my passion for The Rock. I couldn't share my thoughts about being alone (not lonely, swear to God...), and I wouldn't be able to blather on and on about meaningless self-doubt and minor weight-loss victories.

Maybe I am cynical tonight. The truth is that this blog means almost nothing anymore. I received an e-mail from a friend far away who said, "I notice that your blog has changed. Actually, I noticed it last fall already, and chalked it up to Toddy gettin' motivated and doing stuff and generally taking control. In my mind, I saw montages with peppy background music - Toddy leaping out of bed in the morning, the covers fluttering to the side while he energetically brushes his teeth, gets dressed, and jets off to work with a piece of toast in his mouth; Toddy typing on his manual typewriter and ripping a finished work of prose out to hand it to his eagerly-waiting editor while the credits stop rolling ("Sit, Ubu, Sit!"), Toddy laughing with friends during lunch, Toddy laughing with friends at the bar after work, Toddy on the elliptical trainer, falling over comically when the gorgeous personal trainer smiles at him and checks him out, Toddy going home to prepare a fourteen-course meal for his friend Auburn Pisces (okay, that last one isn't real). Funny, having read your blog for going on three years, it is as interesting for what isn't there as for what is."

There is so much that isn't here anymore. I have gone inside myself. My friends are noticing it, and my readers are noticing it. I suppose I have as much to say as I ever did (virtually nothing of significance) but I feel so selfish lately. I don't want people to know where I am or what I'm up to. All the things that are on my mind feel so private, and I am way more protective of myself than I ever used to be. Part of me yearns for people to really know and understand me. The other part wants to hide in the shadows. Is this what "becoming your own best friend" is like?

It is kind of cool and kind of sad at the same time.

Jumping Off the Bridge

Everybody else is doing it, so I'm doing it too.

Todd & Pony have a My Space page. Pony did all the work on it (as usual).

Sorry I can't blog more but I have to go do a podcast now.

And, no, Rosie wasn't fired. I have an inside source!

Five Minutes

I have five minutes to post if I am going to be to work almost on time.

This weekend I got to take care of my dog, Bonkers. I haven't seen him in years, because my ex, CT, kept him when we split up. I have some wonderful pictures of him and will try to post those tonight.

Bonkers is around 16 or 17 years old and has three teeth left. I had to hold his torso for him when he squatted to do his business in the yard because his legs are too weak. To say it breaks my heart to see him so old is an understatement. But all of us are headed down that path, and I struggle towards acceptance because I know that wishing things were different only causes suffering.

My little dog is deaf, so I had to lay on the floor next to him and put my lips against his head when I talked to him. I told him over and over again how much I loved him and how sorry I was that I couldn't be with him every day like I used to. That amazing dog was almost enough to keep me in my relationship with CT forever. Almost.

Sorrow

In her song Icicles, Patty Griffin sings "I must confess there appears to be way more darkness than light..."

The world is dark and sad right now. Take care of each other. My heart goes out to everyone who is hurting over the tragedy at Virginia Tech.

Calm, calm, belong