Let Them Eat Cake

Last night the Toddtender took me to see Patty Griffin perform at the Oregon Zoo summer concert series. He also informed me that he had VIP tickets from someone who works at Patty's label.

As it turns out, our VIP tickets were useless. We were shocked and a little scared when we learned we would have to sit and mingle with the common people. Since we were expecting VIP seating, we didn't bring chairs or a blanket. When I went to rent a couple chairs for us, I was told they were sold out. Apparently the common people had already rented all the chairs.

It was raining, of course. It never rains during the summer in Oregon, unless you attend an outdoor event and have no chair or blanket to sit on. Fortunately, we found some common people who let us sit with them on their blankets.

Patty was awesome, as always. I was moved so deeply by her performance that I must admit I got a bit weepy at a couple of songs. My common friend, Joe, handed me a napkin to wipe my eyes.

Overall it was an interesting experience to do things like sit in a general admission area and deal with parking lot congestion after the show. I tasted common food as well and found the cheeseburger to be a unique and interesting dish. It's just a beef patty with cheese, really. Nothing to be afraid of.

Thank you, Toddtender, for taking me to see this show and for allowing me to observe common people for an evening. But let's take the helicopter in next time. I didn't like sitting in all that traffic.

Fat

One of the most upsetting moments of my life happened about a year ago when I saw a picture of myself that revealed how fat I had become. I won't go into the myriad of reasons I let myself go so much. When I saw this picture of me and The Toddtender leaving his house to drive up to Vancouver, BC for a softball tournament, I felt sick.



Seeing my stomach protruding from under my shirt as I posed with one of the hottest men I've ever known made me feel so ashamed. I am embarrassed to post this picture even now. But the camera doesn't lie.

Last month I once again left Oregon for a softball tournament up north in Seattle. Here is the photo we snapped before leaving.



That's more like it. I'm never going back to those days of feeling ashamed.

I walk four miles a day, five days a week. I get to the gym for weight training and cardio at least three days a week. I still have body fat to lose, so I am taking drastic measures. This sucks so bad, but I am giving up french fries and soda for six weeks. I love french fries, because they go so well with Heinz ketchup. But sacrifices must be made.

If you struggle with your weight, just know that I understand. It is so hard to believe that change is possible. I carried around a belief that I would always be fat. Maybe I will always be large, but I don't have to be fat. Neither do you. Nobody does.

I think that many of us get discouraged because we set unrealistic goals. Sometimes it really does take a year to accomplish the kind of change we want to see in our bodies. You can't expect a six-week crash diet to fix your problems on any kind of long term basis. Stick with it. Don't give up. Send me an e-mail, and I will encourage you.

One blogger who really inspires me is Donnie

Donnie lost 100 pounds, and if you visit his website you kind find links to some of his older web pages. The changes he has made is dramatic, as you'll see by his photos.

Seattle

Jeff, Ryan, Todd and Tim

My roommates on the trip to Seattle were the best.

Saturday night we went to The Cuff, which was five blocks from the hotel. Since I had hurt my leg in the games on Saturday, I decided to leave early so I could go back to the room and rest my leg. I left the bar at 10 p.m.

At around midnight I stumbled into the hotel room. My leg was killing me, and I was starving. Fortunately, my roommates had saved a couple Lean Pockets for me.

Somehow, I took a wrong turn when I left the bar, and I walked my way into a maze of disorientation. I was wandering residential streets several blocks north of my hotel. I couldn't even find anyone around to ask for directions. I watched for a cab, but didn't see a single one drive by. My cell phone was in the hotel room, so I had no choice but to wander.

At one point, I passed an ATM. Showing a complete lack of common sense, I withdrew $100. Somehow it seemed like a good idea to have lots of cash on me as I wandered poorly lit streets late at night by myself. My reasoning, if you can call it that, was that I should have some money on me in the off chance that a cab drove by.

Thank heaven for 7-11. The man behind the counter pointed me towards home, and I arrived exhausted and crabby. The Toddtender, Tim, joked that I was the first to leave the bar and the last to arrive. Ryan said that he figured I had gone home with someone I met.

If anybody had invited me home, trust me, I would have gone with him. I was tired, and my leg was so sore. I would have done just about anything to be in bed. Any bed.

After the tournament, we walked around the market and a kind stranger snapped some photos for us. These guys were so much fun to be with. And I made sure to stick with them for the rest of the trip to make sure I didn't get lost anymore.

First Place

The Bears - Emerald City Classic 2007, Sunday Surge Champions
Seattle, Washington

I let the Toddtender (front row, third from the right) wear my cap for the game, so that's why I'm wearing a CC Slaughters cap. I'm in the back row, next to Joe, who is the guy with the cowboy hat.

I had the best time. I have lots of stories to tell - including one that involves my getting lost for two hours Saturday night after leaving the bar. I was five blocks from my hotel, but it took me two hours to find it.

Now I have a trophy at home. Never thought I'd see the day that I had a sports trophy of any kind!

First Dance

As you know I was a bridesman in Juju's wedding to Metro at the end of May. Every couple of days more photos arrive in my inbox. I love this one of the bridal party. That's me with Carrie, Juju, and her three sisters, Olivia, Colleen and Laura.

One of the best moments at every wedding reception is when the bride and groom share their first dance. Friends and family watch with tears in their eyes. Such happiness fills the room.

As I watched my friends dance their first dance as man and wife, my heart melted. Romance infused the air and I wished I could dance. The song was beautiful. I looked around as people got up from their chairs to dance, but I sat there wishing.

I could have stood up and asked some girl to dance, but my heart wanted to dance with a boy. It was such a romantic moment, and dancing with a girl just wouldn't fit the way my heart felt. That is what being gay is about - not sex - but just a yearning for someone of the same gender. Sometimes you see girls dancing together at a club or a party, but you don't see this as much with men.

Since I don't have a boyfriend, I knew I would just have to wait for something upbeat before I could dance. I would have to miss the slow dance. I would have to miss the very special first dance. All of a sudden, Metro's best man, who is straight, walked over to me as if he read my mind, and he held out his hand. For the first time in my whole life, I danced a first dance at a wedding.

Here he is toasting the bride and groom at the bar after the wedding reception. (Sorry I don't have one with his eyes open)



Thank you for the dance, Gabe. It meant more to me than you could know.

Love,
Hot Toddy

Have you ever heard of an ugly cloud?

Last night in my sleep I had the most profound dream. A message was delivered to me, and now I will share it with you. This message can only be from a higher power, as it explains so much about our world.

If you are depressed, prepare to shed your scales of gloom. If you question whether or not your life has purpose, your answer is here. This amazing truth was shared with me last night in a dream. The messenger was a girl with a wooden leg. (Seriously, wooden. It had tree bark on it and everything.)

We were discussing sadness, and this is what my arboreal friend had to say on the matter...

"Why do you think it is always misty? Maybe our souls leave our body and meet each other at the bus stop. This forms misty clouds. Have you ever heard of an ugly cloud?"

I woke up in the middle of the night and just knew I had to blog this message. Clearly, it is going to change some lives.

You're welcome.

See you at the bus stop.

Always a bridesman, never a groom...

Dragon Lady

Amber is back from camp! You can read about her experience here.

Pony and I were really happy to be able to help her out, and we're thankful to all the listeners of the Todd & Pony Show who donated to Amber. I know she appreciates your generosity and so do I.

Much love to all of you,
Toddy

God hates poor spellers

When I was at the Gay Games in Chicago last summer, I saw a protester who had misspelled the word judgment on his sign. I think that probably makes God angry.

Today I'll be joining hundreds or thousands (I wonder who counts all those people. I would hate that job, wouldn't you? "Okay, everybody please stand still I'm trying to count here....") of other people downtown for Gay Pride. (Every writing teacher I have ever had is turning over in his or her grave at my sentence structure - except for the ones who are alive. I don't know really know how they are responding. If you taught me in a writing class, please leave a comment and let me know how you feel about my run-on sentences and poor use of parenthetical statements.)

(Thanks.)

Anyway. I was planning on writing about protesters, but now I don't feel like it. I really hate to waste my time giving them a moment's thought. But on this happy weekend, I am pretty sure I will run into a handful of people who think God hates fags or that "Jugement is coming". I am not sure if I want to ignore them this year. Usually that is how I choose to respond, but I was thinking of maybe retaliating with some criticism of my own. "Sir, you have really awful handwriting," I will say to the man holding the hateful sign. I mean, it's better than screaming at them, right?

But, no, it is wrong to make people feel bad for who they are. If a person has poor handwriting, it is not for me to judge. I hate the handwriting and love the writer.

Hi there

Not only did I give up television. I gave up all technology, including computers. I stopped blogging and became Amish.

Actually, life just got busy. Busier. Juju is on her honeymoon so I am doing double duty at work.

I haven't been sleeping well. I am trying to decide which nightmare is my favorite lately. The one where someone is breaking into my apartment? How about the vicious lion showing up at work? The other night I dreamed I was clawing my face off in my sleep.

Get some therapy. That's what you're thinking. The thing is I do not feel unhappy or particularly anxious. I'm not sure why my dreams at night are so strange and disturbing. I've had therapy in the past and always knew I needed it. Right now I honestly feel good about my life.

I am hoping to go on a trip to Texas next month. I miss my family and want some time with them.

What else? Oh, please read the book Eat.Pray.Love.

I heard about this book on The Satellite Sisters and had to read it. One of the most inspiring books I have ever read, and it should be mandatory reading for those of us who have been serial monogamists. For about 10 years I was one of those people who always had a boyfriend (sometimes they overlapped) - I couldn't be alone. This book is all about making peace with yourself and learning how to be by yourself and love it.

My french press is ready. Gotta go!

No more Supernanny?!?

I am thinking about giving up television. Just thinking about it. Don't hold me to it or anything.

There is a noisy lack of silence in my life, so tonight I just skipped happy hour and came home to read a good book. I did not turn on the television. My home is silent.

As I stirred my dinner of black beans and rice on the stove, I listened to the spoon lightly scraping against the bottom of the pot. The sound of the water boiling gradually grew louder. Now I can hear it simmering softly on the stove.

When I eat my dinner I am going to eat in silence. Maybe I won't be able to make it through a quiet dinner alone. Maybe I'll crumble under the pressure and put on some music. But I'm not going to turn on the tv tonight.

The thing with television is this - it never stops. I tape a few shows every day, and then I have to catch up with them on the weekend. While I am watching one show, I am told that I really should watch it again tomorrow, because it will be even more exciting than the episode I am currently watching. Then there are commercials for other shows that I am supposed to watch later. Stuff that I never even thought I wanted to see suddenly becomes so important it feels like I should write it on a calendar.

TUESDAY - DR PHIL ASKS NEGLIGENT MOTHER "HOW'S THAT WORKING OUT FOR YOU?"

Wow. That sounds amazing. Who would want to miss that?!

There will always be someone leaving The View, and there will always be another contestant voted off the island or sent home because America voted. Ellen will just get funnier and funnier. More plot twists will unfold and new heroes with amazing powers will be revealed.

When will it all stop? I guess it won't stop until I make it stop.

I'm so afraid of becoming weird. Out of touch. If I just quit watching television, won't I become backward and socially clumsy?

I'm not saying I'm going to do it. I'm just thinking about it.

Now back to my book...

Not a single cupcake ruined

Don't Eat Before Bedtime

Last night I had a dream that David Hasselhoff was my stepfather, and he took me to a baseball game. While I was sitting there with my stepfather, David Hasselhoff, one of my friends shouted down from his seat a couple rows behind us, "Hot Toddy, is that your stepdad?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Is that you-know-who?" my friend asked.

My stepfather smiled at me. "Yes," I shouted to my friend. "Can you believe my stepdad is him?"

We weren't shouting his name back and forth across the rows because my stepfather David Hasselhoff doesn't want any more press at this time. We were protecting his anonymity. But if you had a dream that you were at a baseball game last night and you could have sworn you saw Hot Toddy with his new stepdad in your dream, you did. And, yes, it was David Hasselhoff.

Be Nice to Joni Mitchell

Well, I am just in the worst mood this morning because of a dream I had last night. Joni Mitchell was cast on MTV's Real World and the other girls in the house were completely dissing Joni.

Dream?! What am I saying? This was no dream. This was a nightmare!

I wanted to clock those girls for being mean to Legendary Folk Singer Joni Mitchell. They have no idea what true talent looks like.

I just need to shake it off. I'll think positive thoughts today. I'll think about the people who donated money so my friend Amber could go to camp. That makes my day every time I think about it. Listeners of the Todd & Pony Show donated almost $300 to Amber last month, and we gave her the check on Thursday. We had a great time with Amber. I love that girl, and I am certain she would never disrespect Joni Mitchell.

Cupcake Picker Upper

I have been asked to pick up the cupcakes for Juju's wedding on Sunday. I have awful images of slamming on my brakes at a stoplight and dumping the wedding dessert all over the floor of my truck. What if I fall while I'm carrying the cupcakes into the reception hall? What if I am just really hungry (and drunk) and eat all the cupcakes before I get them to the party?

This will be an amazing weekend. Juju was my roommate after I split with my partner. She was my counselor and my confidante and my source of strength and hope during those early days of my scary new single status.



I've seen her grow so much over the years. And she is marrying a man I love with all my heart. I'd be marrying him myself if he was into that. Metro is all heart. He is more than just a fun guy to hang out with. He is a friend who takes care of me and always makes sure I know how much he loves me.



To see such powerful people uniting in marriage is just amazing.



I went and tried on my tux today. Frankly, it looked so good on me that I wanted to marry myself. I am already very sexually active with myself, so it probably makes sense to go ahead and take the leap into marriage.

Triangle Hero

My friend Superman is now starring in his first YouTube video. If you have played Guitar Hero and enjoyed it, you'll love Triangle Hero.

You may recognize Superman from his work on the Portland stage. He was hilarious in the fabulous play I wrote, Spud Toppers. He also toured with Scotty Iseri, so maybe you caught him in that show.

Question: If you adopt a child and then decide it is not working out, can you put the child back up for adoption? No, I have not adopted a child, but I would like an answer to this question just in case I ever decide to try it someday.

Shocking Vegas Update

I'm back from Vegas, and I still have $100. To me that's like leaving a party when there's still Maker's Mark in the bottle, but somehow I managed to do it.

One of my favorite things about Vegas was the pillow talk. Now, I know this is sappy, but I haven't talked quietly in bed with someone for well over a year. But on this trip I shared a bed with Superman, and at the end of the first night we talked for a few minutes in bed. I told him a short anecdote from my past - a very inconsequential story signifying nothing - but in the dark of night under the covers it felt like a profound secret shared only by the two of us.

Before you freak out - no, I'm not in love. I am just saying that I miss pillow talk, and I didn't realize I missed it until Friday night.

Just like I didn't realize how much I missed the Portland rain until I returned from the desert last evening. We were greeted by a gloriously cool evening and refreshing raindrops falling from the sky.

Vegas, Baby

I'm heading to Vegas, but not without giving you something to keep you entertained...

Pony and I just recorded Show #40 of the Todd & Pony Show. Watch for it soon.

Even if you don't listen to Show #39 (why wouldn't you?) you gotta go read the show notes written by Zeroes. (He's such a cutie, isn't he?) Check out the website here.

See ya next week!

Love,
Toddy

Dude, Where's My Post?

I've been horrible about updating Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven, and I offer my sincerest Alex-Baldwin-Don-Imus apology.

First things first. Let me say that I absolutely LOVE the Toddtender. He doesn't care for my referencing other bartenders in Portland, so I need to state, for the record, that he is still my favorite.

Also - this weekend The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz had their wedding. It was awesome. Everybody cried, everybody laughed, everybody got drunk (I hope - I don't wanna be the only one....)

Pony was the wedding DJ. He was fantastic. All that training as a Second Life DJ must have paid off.

Hi Pam! I was glad to see you at the wedding. You are such a hottie. I'm sorry I didn't mention you before now. I'm glad you read the Toaster Oven, and thank you for telling me at the wedding reception that you want me to keep blogging.

Tying up all my loose ends here - - trying to think of what I haven't mentioned yet. This weekend I'm going to Las Vegas for Metro's bachelor party. Can you imagine how much fun that will be? I practiced tonight and won 20 bucks playing video slots at the bar. It is important to train if you are going to gamble in Vegas!

Life is good. Assume that if I am NOT blogging it is because I'm having a blast. Oh, and check out the latest Todd & Pony Show for more incredibly fascinating details of my life. We had a special guest this week. Juju was there, and we gave her a big surprise!

Cocktail Recipe: The Pony

Pony ordered me a drink tonight at the bar, and it was so amazing I have to share it with you.

It's a Lemon Drop with Absolut Vanilla instead of Absolut Citron. Try it. It tastes like key lime pie. He likes it with bitters. I like it without bitters.

We don't know if there is already a drink recipe with those ingredients, so we are pretending he invented it. YUM!!!

More in-depth reporting on the important issues of today will be posted soon. Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven is your source for what's happening in the world!!