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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Simple 45 Step Sweet Potato Pie

During this joyful season of thanking and giving and eating and not going to work and having more time to watch porn, I like to share a traditional Thanksgiving recipe with my readers. So please enjoy, once again, this simple recipe for Sweet Potato Pie (only 45 steps!)

Happy Thanksgiving one and all (except for you, fucker) and God Bless Us Everyone!!

Today I have a special treat for you. I have decided to share my recipe for Sweet Potato Pie with all the loyal readers of Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. This recipe has been guarded by my family for generations. My great-grandmother was killed by the Nazis or Hutus or something, because she refused to share the recipe. I took a solemn vow when I was three years old that I would never share this secret recipe. But my mother pissed me off when she informed me that the Donny & Marie albums I had stored in her attic were lost in the fire that destroyed my parents' home yesterday. Because of her failure to climb into the burning attic and retrieve my albums, I have decided to put this recipe on the Internet. May this tasty treat remind you of the importance of family and unconditional love for others throughout the year. Not just at Thanksgiving or Arbor Day.

2 cups cooked, mashed sweet potatoes
1 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
1/3 cup butter, softened
2 eggs
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup half-and-half or evaporated milk
3 tablespoons sugar
1 unbaked 9-inch deep dish or 10-inch regular pie shell

1. Preheat oven to 400°F.
2. Run to the store for all the ingredients.
3. Remove burnt leftover pizza from oven.
4. Open all the windows in your house and clear the smoke.
5. Have a quick nip of whiskey to calm your nerves.
6. Head back to the store for the sweet potatoes you forgot.
7. Before you get to the store go back home and turn off the oven.
8. Go to the store and buy candles and licorice.
9. Turn around on your way home and go back to the store for sweet potatoes.
10. Return home and have some more whiskey.
11. Combine sweet potatoes, brown sugar, butter, beaten egg yolks, ginger, cinnamon, cumin (out of nutmeg) and salt in a mixing bowl.
12. Remove sweet potatoes from the mixture and boil them.
13. Put sweet potatoes back in the bowl and beat until light and fluffy or until your hand gets tired.
14. Put on Annie Lennox album and play "The Saddest Song I've Got".
15. Put the song on repeat, cry, and drink more whiskey.
16. Go look at pictures of your ex and remember that Thanksgiving at the coast.
17. Drink some more whiskey.
18. Drunk dial your ex and cuss him out.
19. Add half-and-half to the lumpy mixture.
20. Beat egg whites with electric mixer.
21. Attach stainless steel beaters to electric mixer and continue beating egg whites.
22. That works better now.
23. Call your ex and apologize and invite him over for Thanksgiving.
24. Cry and drink whiskey and wonder why he had to be so terse on the phone.
25. Add sugar, one tablespoon at a time, and beat until stiff peaks form.
26. Look at the stiff peaks.
27. Go watch porn.
28. Wash hands.
29. Gently fold egg whites into the sweet potato mixture.
30. Run to the store and get pie shell.
31. Pour filling into an unbaked pie shell, and put the pie in the oven.
32. Go watch porn.
33. Drink some whiskey.
34. Check on the pie and turn the oven on.
35. Bake at 400°F for 10 minutes.
36. 45 minutes later, smell burning pie and remove pie from oven.
37. Drink vodka after whiskey runs out.
38. Call mom and scold her about the Donny & Marie albums.
39. Ignore her complaints about spending Thanksgiving at The Salvation Army shelter.
40. Wish mom a Happy Thanksgiving and ask if she can send a couple hundred dollars.
41. Take a bite of the pie and throw it out.
42. Finish the vodka and go to bed.
43. Wake up at 3 a.m. and jot down an idea for a blog entry.
44. Watch porn.
45. Turn off oven and go back to bed.

1 comment:

Jess said...

For a moment, I thought you actually intended to share a recipe. Given your track record, the irony would have been overwhelming. Assuming you were serious about the fire, I'm sorry to hear about that, but I gather no one was hurt and that really is the main thing!