I'm disappearing.
I can see it in people's faces, and I can feel it inside of me.
A couple years ago I checked my blog stats daily. Receiving comments on my posts was like oxygen to me. And getting nominated for various blog awards? Forget about it - that was practically like winning an Oscar.
Today I stumbled upon another blogger popularity contest where people are asked to vote on who is the best blogger. I'm trying to remember why I used to care about that. Truth be told, I sort of disappeared off the grid a couple years ago. I'm no longer part of the in crowd. Once I "won" an "award" for "Best Gay Blog". I even campaigned for votes.
Why did I crave the attention? Somehow I felt so validated by blog comments and votes. I did the same thing at the bar where phone numbers became hard copy versions of blog comments. Votes in support of my awesome hotness were cast in the form of one night stands or three-week long "relationships", which are really just 21-night stands, aren't they?
Don't get me wrong. I gratefully accept your comments and appreciate the time you take to let me know you're out there. When I do visit blogs, I tend to visit the people who comment even before visiting my long-standing links.
I appreciate your comments, but I don't need them. That's the difference. Ever since I started disappearing, it's been that way. How can I explain? I feel like a former homecoming queen, Class of '85, who has been forgotten by my former classmates. The funny thing is, I like it. Love it, even.
Yesterday I went to softball practice and saw guys I haven't seen since last summer. As soon as I stepped out of my truck I noticed that my teammates said hello to me with their eyes locked on my waist. It was weird. Sort of unsettling, but not completely unexpected.
Last August I was at almost 19% body fat, and I'm now at right around 12%. The numbers on the scale would indicate a loss of about 10 pounds, but using a body fat measurement tool (Bioelectrical Impedance Analysis), my actual loss over the past seven months was 22 pounds of fat. Now that I'm about six pounds from my goal of 10% body fat, I find my entire motivation has changed. For the first time in my life, this battle to shed fat has nothing to do with how I am perceived by others and everything to do with how I feel when I look in the mirror.
Good thing my clothes are getting smaller, because my closet is smaller than it was last year too. My apartment isn't very big at all, but it is just right for me.
I want to take up less room in the world.
I want less attention.
I want fewer obligations.
I want more time alone.
I want to talk less and say more.
So I'll end this for today.
1 comment:
I think that this is the best blog entry of yours that I have read. Your attitude on life expressed in this blog is great.
I personally can relate to what you have said, because I can be very dramatic and outspoken. It has taken a lot to grow and built positive things in my life. It is hard to put the negative things down because that would mean admitting to myself that I was creating these things in my life. I, like other young gay men, feel the need to be dramatic and "known," but it is even better to feel secure in ourselves and to build/attract quality things in life without harming others.
I also wanted to say HI again. I met you once at CC's and then promptly moved to California. I was the one who talked about your podcast and Esperanto. I hope your great and ttyl !
~ kinlaso
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