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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Podcast Cook-Off

This year for Thanksgiving, I decided to aim high. I decided to actually cook something.

The Todd & Pony Show Thanksgiving Special will feature a dinner party with Pony, Juju and me. Each of us cooked something delightful to share with each other.

As you know, I am not known for my skill in the kitchen, but I chose to create the following world-class cuisine...

Ladies, and Gentlemen, allow me to present Hot Toddy's Ham & Swiss Turkey Rolls:

Is this not a mouth-watering dish?

Notice the golden bread crumbs...

the creamy melted cheese...

the luscious turkey...

Here are the results of my culinary expertise.

I know, I know. Let me explain. The recipe called for turkey cutlets. I wandered the unfamiliar territory of this thing called a "grocery store" looking for the cutlet section. I did not want to ask for help, because I figured my question about cutlets would be mocked and ridiculed by the all-knowing meat counter people. So I had to rely on my own instincts, as well as a mastery of the English language.

I figured that "cutlet" must mean "a small slice", so I bought deli meat.

I realize that this is where I went wrong. I now understand that I should have prepared the recipe using uncooked turkey. Again, it is not my fault that the grocery store did not put out a sign indicating where to find the CUTLET section.

When I got home, I realized that I didn't have a pastry brush to coat the roll-ups with a light mayonnaise, which would aid in adhering bread crumbs to the meat. So I used the back of a fork, since that utensil most resembled a brush. Unfortunately, the toothpicks got in the way of the bread crumb coating process. You can't roll meat when there are sticks impeding your way (get your mind out of the gutter).

When I added the white wine, broth and butter combination (is that a roux?), to the skillet, I pretty much washed off the bread crumbs. Said bread crumbs then proceeded to form a layer of sludge in the bottom of the skillet.

At that point, I opened a bottle of vodka and started drinking. It was 1:00 p.m.

Here is another shot of my tantalizing turkey roll-up next to a photo of the prepared dish as featured in the cookbook.

They say that everyone has something to be thankful for at Thanksgiving time. If you are struggling to think of something for which you are grateful, let me help you out.

Be thankful you did not have to eat my cooking.

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