I'm movin', but I'm not sure I'm movin' on up.
Living with Auburn Pisces has been healing and strengthening. When I moved into her home, I believed Thor would eventually be back. If he didn't move back to Portland, he said, he would at least be coming back to take me away to California. We all know how that story ended.
But I was really grateful I moved into AP's home anyway. She helped me through the darkest days, and we have enjoyed the ease of planning cocktail hour by just shouting at each other from our separate floors.
Still, I feel it is time to move on. For one thing, I really want to live closer to downtown. Maybe even take a place right in the heart of the city. That means I'll have a lot less space if I try to keep my rent about the same as it is now.
Checking out a studio and a one-bedroom today at Empire Apartments got me thinking. (Why, oh why must I analyze everything so heavily...) Looking for a place to live is causing me to evaluate my whole life. It's stressing me out.
Should I be looking in a different part of town? I mean, is there a certain lifestyle more appropriate for a man about to turn 40? Shouldn't I be looking for something more suburban? Or should I be buying a house?
I've always wanted to live in the city. I like city noise. The Empire reminded me of a place I would have loved in my twenties. I could light incense and candles and stay up all night listening to jazz as traffic noise drifted through my open window. I would drink glasses of wine and read books about Matisse or Andy Warhol.
I don't know anymore. Maybe I want a bigger place. The kind of place where a mattress on the floor would feel inappropriate. Maybe I need a place that requires a matching bedroom suite. And where will I park Sven, my big white truck, if I move downtown? I'm not ready to part with him; He's beautiful.
The Empire seemed dark. I don't need or want a dark home! The only light in that place is Drew, the extremely hot building manager with big arms and a gleaming smile.