For Single People Only!

Okay, I've changed my mind about the whole gay marriage thing. I have decided that I no longer believe in it. Not at all. I think it ruins everything.

See, the thing is, gay marriage is making my friends boring. They are all coupled up and talking about their gardens and talking about their pets as if they were children. Some of them are even talking about adopting children because, I assume, pet food is too expensive.

I used to spend my Friday nights running around town with The Handsome Prince. We would have entire conversations with our eyes locked on the television screens playing porn. After a while, we'd realize that we hadn't looked at each other for about 20 minutes or so. From the dryness of our eyes, we also realized we hadn't blinked. We would laugh our heads off, and we'd have adventures, which I'd write about here on Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven.

Now I call him up and hear, "No, I can't go out tonight because my boyfriend and I were out until after 8:30 last night, and the night before that my boyfriend and I missed Cooking with Paula Dean on The Food Network. Tonight I have tons of gardening to do and my boyfriend is going to help me, and then my boyfriend and I are going to make dinner. After my boyfriend and I eat it, we're going to turn in for the night because we have had way too many 10:30 bedtimes lately! It's all the gardening, I think. We want to garden, garden, garden all the time because it is summer and the sun doesn't go down till late, and we like gardening! We love gardening, my boyfriend and I!!"

"Okay, have fun," I say and try calling another friend. This one actually joins me at the bar, but I soon realize that I am providing a much needed escape from his husband. He complains, "My husband doesn't agree with me about this, and my husband also thinks something about something. Can you believe my husband feels that way? Why would my husband think something about something!? That is so unreasonable. It seems like the only time my husband and I get along is when we are gardening or shopping for patio furniture or painting the den. Did you see the color my husband and I painted the den? Did you see our new patio furniture? Did you see the flowers we planted last Sunday afternoon?!? We will have to invite you over to see all the flowers and furniture and look at the paint on the walls!!"

"Yay," I say.

One night, I swear to god, my friends planned a camping trip for couples as I sat right there at the table with them. I was the only single person at the table. "Oh, Toddy, of course we want you to come too!"

"Thanks," I say.

A few months ago, I was invited to a party with a drink menu that included "couple-themed and romance" drinks. I asked if the menu could be broadened to include an unloved loser single person drink too. Something like, oh, I don't know, a Maker's Mark straight up? The drink of heartache and loneliness! Cheers!!

A couple weeks ago I asked one half of a couple if he and I could go see a movie together. It was a very specific movie that I wanted to see with that very specific friend. (His boyfriend too, of course. I love them both!) I received a voice mail Sunday morning in which he informed me that he and his boyfriend were leaving to go see "that movie you wanted to see with us". He let me know I could meet them at the theater in 45 minutes if I wanted to join them. Clearly, the boyfriend trumps the friend when it comes to movie dates. I mean, it isn't like he would have gone to see the movie alone. Nobody calls and says, "I know you want to see this movie together. Well, I am going right this second. I can't wait a moment longer. So meet me at the theater if you still want to see it together." But, since he has a built-in movie date right there in bed with him, he doesn't have to wait around to see if I can actually meet him or not.

I think this post was supposed to be funny. Oops.

Oh, and another thing...

The friends who, a few months ago, told me that I need to enjoy being single are now partnered. They lean their heads together and whisper at the bar as I stare into space and enjoy being single. They can't go out with me because they need to spend some quality time together, so I just stay home and spend quality time with myself and "enjoy being single". I do not always want to go out as a trio. Sometimes, old friend, I still want it to be just you and me. I don't understand why it can't work that way.

It is not that I don't want these friends to be partnered, but I miss feeling like I belonged with them - that I had something in common with them. They have turned into Stepford Married People who no longer seem to get me. They once understood how much I wanted to find exactly what they all found, so it surprises me when they can't see how much it is killing me for them to talk about "marrieds only camping trips" or "couple-themed drinks". It's a big country club that I'm just not classy enough to join. Now I don't even think I want to join. Not if I have to turn into a relationship robot.

So, I am just going to schedule a huge singles blowout and only invite my single friends. I must have a single friend around here somewhere. Let me think....

Anyway, we will show them! We'll talk about our huge beds and our weed-filled yards (for those of us fortunate enough to own a home). We'll have single-themed drinks like the Eternal Masturbator or the Ride Alone on the Rollercoaster! We'll eat individual sized microwave pizzas and just be "happy to be single".