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Monday, August 14, 2006

Inner Monologue: I Love Me. I Love Me Not.

The following inner monologue occurred this morning at approximately 7 a.m. as I had my morning coffee...

(Stretching) Mmmmmmm. What a great sleep. I feel so good. Probably because I didn't drink at all yesterday. If I could try not to drink any alcohol for four weeks I could probably burn so much body fat. But I think I am doing pretty good. Maybe I could just try not to drink for four days instead of four weeks.

It feels nice to stand here outside drinking coffee wearing only boxer shorts. I feel sexy. Probably those dreams I had about blow jobs. I wonder if either of those guys would really be into getting a blow job from me even though they are both straight? I should just e-mail them today and ask if either of them want a blow job. Yeah, right. As if. Like I would ever do that. I'll have to wait and get drunk with them sometime and then I'll ask them.

These boxer shorts feel loose. I wonder if I've lost more fat. That would be awesome. I like how smooth my skin feels. I like the way my triceps feel. I wonder if I look good from the back. Like, if I had a boyfriend and we just got done having sex, I wonder if he would come out of the shower right now and see me standing here and comment on how my boxer shorts are sort of sliding down in the back and -

God I am vain. I am so vain. I suck.

I mean a healthy self-esteem is one thing, but standing around drinking coffee in your boxer shorts and thinking how sexy you feel is something else entirely. I wonder how my friends even stand me. I must make them sick. They probably roll their eyes at how vain I am.

I'm disgusting. I hate myself. This coffee is good.

Wait a minute. Two seconds ago I was feeling hot and sexy and now I'm suddenly hating myself. How do I do that? Who loves himself one minute and hates himself the next? Probably just me and Courtney Love.

Oh, and Mariah Carey. She probably does that.

This coffee is good. I wish I didn't have to go to work today. After work, we need to record the podcast. What should we talk about? Maybe we should talk about self-esteem today.

I like the way my chest feels.

God, I'm vain. It's really disgusting. This coffee is so good.

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