Oh, man, I am so glad to have my car back. Dolly has been my car for four years, and after my accident I had to drive a PT Cruiser for 12 days. Knowing as little about cars as I do, I mistakenly told people I was driving a Pacer.
Cruiser/Pacer. Whatever.
I remember the day CT took me car shopping. I had a bankruptcy on my credit and had no money put away. We found Dolly at a car lot that specialized in financing for losers like me. I did not even have a down payment, and there is no way in hell my partner would ever give me money, so the car dealer accepted my CD player as a down payment. I didn't tell them the CD player didn't actually work. Only the radio and cassette player.
I think that buying that car was the start of my independence from my partner. Once I could get in the car and drive to karaoke or rehearsals, I made new friends. I spent more time away from CT. I spent more time around other guys who treated me as if I were not completely undesirable. Dolly was there the night I kissed a boy who kissed me back passionately and made me think about what I was missing with CT.
I missed Dolly's accessories, lovingly placed over the rearview mirror. The Rosie the Robot keychain, the armband Thor wore on his bicep, the hawaiian shirt air freshener. I missed the way Dolly's CHECK ENGINE light comes on for apparently no reason, which has been a concern of every single boyfriend who has ever been in my car. I always enjoyed telling them to just ignore it the way I do. It made me feel so "Holly Golightly".
Looking back, I realize that my car has had several different boys in her passenger seat. She likes Thor the best though. Dolly, who enjoys a threesome as much as anyone, especially liked the way Thor would push me up against her trunk when he kissed me goodnight.
It feels so great to be reunited with my old friend Dolly. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. If my reunion with Thor feels this good, I won't be able to stand it.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Hot Toddy is Fed Up!
I am staging a sit-down strike at work today. Nobody is really paying any attention to my protest, however, because my job pretty much entails sitting at my desk anyway.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Clumsy
Yeah, so yesterday I wore clogs to work, cause I'm a dork. Then I fell off my clog. I was standing up at my desk, and my foot slipped off my clog. I fell backwards and landed in my chair. I started laughing and told Juju, "I just fell off my clog."
"That is the gayest sentence I have ever heard," said Juju.
Anyway...
"That is the gayest sentence I have ever heard," said Juju.
Anyway...
No Offense
Auburn Pisces' daughter, Auburn Aries, often starts her sentences with "No offense or anything..." and then finishes her sentence with her opinion that she thinks boys are messy, or something like that. She is very concerned that I'll be offended, but I never am. I think it's cute.
Maybe I should have started yesterday's post with a statement like, "no offense or anything, but I am going to write a story about a woman who took the whole Rosa Parks thing a bit too far..."
I am not sure how anyone could think I was disrespecting Rosa Parks, since the post was not about her. But, for those who said I was irreverent, I will give you that. Reverence is not my strongpoint. I was yelled at by the high school principle for dancing down the church aisle at my high school graduation ceremony, which was held in a large auditorium owned by a religious organization.
I don't feel like I need to write a tribute to Rosa Parks in order to honor her courage. I doubt there is much I could add to the millions of voices on the Internet applauding and honoring her. I have nothing unique or interesting to say about her passing. So I made something up that, in my opinion, was satirical. It was in no way a comment on the life of Rosa Parks or the contributions she made to our society.
Anyway, no offense was intended. Sometimes I offend without even trying. Maybe I should have written about how I fell off my clog yesterday.
Maybe I should have started yesterday's post with a statement like, "no offense or anything, but I am going to write a story about a woman who took the whole Rosa Parks thing a bit too far..."
I am not sure how anyone could think I was disrespecting Rosa Parks, since the post was not about her. But, for those who said I was irreverent, I will give you that. Reverence is not my strongpoint. I was yelled at by the high school principle for dancing down the church aisle at my high school graduation ceremony, which was held in a large auditorium owned by a religious organization.
I don't feel like I need to write a tribute to Rosa Parks in order to honor her courage. I doubt there is much I could add to the millions of voices on the Internet applauding and honoring her. I have nothing unique or interesting to say about her passing. So I made something up that, in my opinion, was satirical. It was in no way a comment on the life of Rosa Parks or the contributions she made to our society.
Anyway, no offense was intended. Sometimes I offend without even trying. Maybe I should have written about how I fell off my clog yesterday.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Rotten Rosie
Rosa Parks passed away yesterday at the age of 92. Her laudable act of civil "disobedience" will be remembered forever. On a more personal note, my great aunt Rosie Parker also passed away yesterday. She was very inspired by the life of Rosa Parks, and she modeled herself after that great woman.
When I was a child, my Aunt Rosie used to take me to church with her every Sunday. We rode the city bus to the Presbyterian church a couple miles away from her little yellow house each week, and all the people on the bus knew her by name.
Aunt Rosie, known by many as Rotten Rosie, once refused to give up her seat to a white man on the city bus. I was so proud of her that day. I remember her grabbing his white cane and hitting him over the head with it several times. She was a wonderful woman.
Rosie wasn't afraid of anything. Like Rosa Parks, my aunt defied authority in spite of incredible opposition. When we rode the bus, my aunt refused to give up her seat to pregnant women and elderly people. Once she tripped a veteran as he was trying to board, and she also made mean faces at small children until they cried. Sometimes she would throw peanuts at the back of the bus driver's head in an attempt to distract him and cause a collision.
I remember the way Rosie would strike up conversations with widows on the bus and steal things from their purses as they chatted about the good old days. Rosie had a Bingo habit that wouldn't quit, so the stolen money came in quite handy. She financed several overseas trips for the two of us with her Bingo winnings.
I remember the flight to Fiji very well. Aunt Rosie refused to give up her seat to everyone walking down the aisle. They were just heading to their own seats, but she refused to give up her seat to them just the same. In fact, she refused to give up the two seats on either side of her and had the whole row to herself all the way to Fiji. God, I admired that woman. I remember her refusing to put her seat in the upright position for landing too. She also kept her tray table down and refused to stow her carry-on baggage safely in the overhead bin. Oh, and she slapped the flight attendant for "looking at her funny".
So, my Aunt Rosie is gone. Yesterday she was stealing some Girl Scout cookies from a little girl selling them in front of the grocery store, and a security guard attempted to interfere with my aunt's civil rights. She bludgeoned him with her shoe and was arrested. This caused an incredible strain on her poor heart, and she died peacefully in the back of the police car. We will all miss this woman very much.
Rest in Peace, Rotten Rosie.
When I was a child, my Aunt Rosie used to take me to church with her every Sunday. We rode the city bus to the Presbyterian church a couple miles away from her little yellow house each week, and all the people on the bus knew her by name.
Aunt Rosie, known by many as Rotten Rosie, once refused to give up her seat to a white man on the city bus. I was so proud of her that day. I remember her grabbing his white cane and hitting him over the head with it several times. She was a wonderful woman.
Rosie wasn't afraid of anything. Like Rosa Parks, my aunt defied authority in spite of incredible opposition. When we rode the bus, my aunt refused to give up her seat to pregnant women and elderly people. Once she tripped a veteran as he was trying to board, and she also made mean faces at small children until they cried. Sometimes she would throw peanuts at the back of the bus driver's head in an attempt to distract him and cause a collision.
I remember the way Rosie would strike up conversations with widows on the bus and steal things from their purses as they chatted about the good old days. Rosie had a Bingo habit that wouldn't quit, so the stolen money came in quite handy. She financed several overseas trips for the two of us with her Bingo winnings.
I remember the flight to Fiji very well. Aunt Rosie refused to give up her seat to everyone walking down the aisle. They were just heading to their own seats, but she refused to give up her seat to them just the same. In fact, she refused to give up the two seats on either side of her and had the whole row to herself all the way to Fiji. God, I admired that woman. I remember her refusing to put her seat in the upright position for landing too. She also kept her tray table down and refused to stow her carry-on baggage safely in the overhead bin. Oh, and she slapped the flight attendant for "looking at her funny".
So, my Aunt Rosie is gone. Yesterday she was stealing some Girl Scout cookies from a little girl selling them in front of the grocery store, and a security guard attempted to interfere with my aunt's civil rights. She bludgeoned him with her shoe and was arrested. This caused an incredible strain on her poor heart, and she died peacefully in the back of the police car. We will all miss this woman very much.
Rest in Peace, Rotten Rosie.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Going Inside
These are trying times. Yesterday we had a tragedy at work, and last night I was in a car accident. I was struck on the driver's side pretty hard, and it shook me up quite a bit. I'm okay. Poor Dolly, my car, is not.
It feels as if the universe is trying to tell me something. Now is a time to just shut up and stop babbling. I need to go inside myself for a few days and be quiet. I need to reflect on what is important. What do I want to hang onto? What do I need to let go of?
I'll return soon. The great thing about people who read Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven is that I always know I'll come back to lots of love and support. I adore my blog friends.
Take care of yourselves and each other!
It feels as if the universe is trying to tell me something. Now is a time to just shut up and stop babbling. I need to go inside myself for a few days and be quiet. I need to reflect on what is important. What do I want to hang onto? What do I need to let go of?
I'll return soon. The great thing about people who read Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven is that I always know I'll come back to lots of love and support. I adore my blog friends.
Take care of yourselves and each other!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Crazy Faith
I know you don't understand, when I tell you I'm going to wait for him to come home. You want me to stop putting my life on hold. You wish I would just let go and move on. But I have crazy faith in him. I don't know how to describe my situation other than to say I am incapable of taking back my heart.
When you tell me he's going to disappear, I remember his promise to prove you wrong. "He'll be dancing at our wedding someday..."
You tell me I give too much of myself. That I trust when I shouldn't. That I deserve better.
How can there be something better than loving someone so much that even the bad times don't cause me to bail out of the relationship? With him, I have no instinct of self-preservation. I'm on a plane in a thunderstorm ignoring the safety instructions from the flight attendant.
I'm not looking for the emergency exit. In fact, I fear that falling out of love with him may just be the end of me. It is belonging to him that keeps me going lately.
You shake your head at my stubborn commitment. Sometimes, when you aren't looking, I shake my head too. But I won't let you see that, because I fear that you'll use that against me. "A-ha! You doubt him! You're afraid!"
Sometimes I'm afraid. What if I put all my hopes into him, and he fails me? I guess I'll take that pain over no hope at all. Of one thing I'm certain...this is me. This is what I do. If I love a man, there will be nobody else. No back-up plan. No side bet. This is it for me, until he tells me otherwise.
Christmas is coming. And, after that, the dancing.
When you tell me he's going to disappear, I remember his promise to prove you wrong. "He'll be dancing at our wedding someday..."
You tell me I give too much of myself. That I trust when I shouldn't. That I deserve better.
How can there be something better than loving someone so much that even the bad times don't cause me to bail out of the relationship? With him, I have no instinct of self-preservation. I'm on a plane in a thunderstorm ignoring the safety instructions from the flight attendant.
I'm not looking for the emergency exit. In fact, I fear that falling out of love with him may just be the end of me. It is belonging to him that keeps me going lately.
You shake your head at my stubborn commitment. Sometimes, when you aren't looking, I shake my head too. But I won't let you see that, because I fear that you'll use that against me. "A-ha! You doubt him! You're afraid!"
Sometimes I'm afraid. What if I put all my hopes into him, and he fails me? I guess I'll take that pain over no hope at all. Of one thing I'm certain...this is me. This is what I do. If I love a man, there will be nobody else. No back-up plan. No side bet. This is it for me, until he tells me otherwise.
Christmas is coming. And, after that, the dancing.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Back to the Aladdin
Tonight Auburn Pisces and I are going to see Dar Williams in concert at The Aladdin.
She is one inspiring performer! I've always loved a great songwriter who can write lyrics that move me. She is one of them.
I also love the songwriter who wrote these lyrics:
"You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life..." but that wasn't Dar Williams.
Anyway, I'm heading back to The Aladdin, and this time I promise to be quiet during the opening act.
She is one inspiring performer! I've always loved a great songwriter who can write lyrics that move me. She is one of them.
I also love the songwriter who wrote these lyrics:
"You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life..." but that wasn't Dar Williams.
Anyway, I'm heading back to The Aladdin, and this time I promise to be quiet during the opening act.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Sh-Boom!
I've been waiting to announce my new job title for a couple weeks, but the time has come. Hot Toddy is now officially a Cruise Ship Singer!!
Starting this week, I'll be performing classic songs of the 50's and 60's on steamboat cruises touring the Columbia River.
I went to check out the venue on Friday night with the other Sh-Boomers, and I was very impressed with the beautiful boat. I'll be singing bass in a quartet, so I've been practicing along with a video tape of the show. The Handsome Prince performs with the group, and he recommended me to them as a part-time replacement. For the next couple months, I'll be quite busy as there are several performances requiring my services. The money is quite good, and the group is a lot of fun.
Last night I was doing laundry at Auburn Pisces' house, and I was practicing one of my solos from the show. Little Auburn Aries came to chat with me and walked in as I was singing, "Now I don't have plans and schemes, and I don't have hopes and dreams, I don't have anything, since I don't have you..."
Thinking I was singing about Thor, which I guess I sort of was, Auburn Aries said cheerfully, "You have ME, Toddy..."
"Oh, I know sweetie," I said, giving her a little hug, "I was just practicing a song. But I guess it does sort of fit my life right now!"
She giggled and said, "I can still feel Thor's spirit here, can't you?"
My eyes welled with tears. I told her that I could, indeed, feel him as if he were standing right there with us. When she saw tears in my eyes, she asked me how old I was.'
"Thirty-nine," I said hesitantly, thinking she was going to tell me I was too old to cry.
"Tell me thirty-nine memories of Thor," she said.
I was speechless. This girl is smart and quick and very compassionate.
We spent the next several minutes telling each other our happy memories of a man we both love so much.
Remember when he took us for ice cream? Remember the water fight we had in the front yard? Remember how he would laugh in that silly way? Remember how we all went on a date to the restaurant?
When Auburn Pisces walked into the room, her daughter prodded her to participate in our game. "Mom, we're listing 39 things we remember about Thor. You think of one."
"I remember how he used to leave dirty dishes in the sink," she said laughing.
"No! Good ones! We're listing good memories," she chided.
We continued talking about Thor, and I glanced over at our picture on the fridge. He's got his arms around me, and we're wearing our cowboy hats. One of the happiest moments of my life is captured forever in that picture and is stuck to AP's fridge as a reminder of how good love feels.
Some of the memories we shared made my heart ache, but I've got to hand it to that kid, she knows how to be a great friend. She gets it from her mother.
Starting this week, I'll be performing classic songs of the 50's and 60's on steamboat cruises touring the Columbia River.
I went to check out the venue on Friday night with the other Sh-Boomers, and I was very impressed with the beautiful boat. I'll be singing bass in a quartet, so I've been practicing along with a video tape of the show. The Handsome Prince performs with the group, and he recommended me to them as a part-time replacement. For the next couple months, I'll be quite busy as there are several performances requiring my services. The money is quite good, and the group is a lot of fun.
Last night I was doing laundry at Auburn Pisces' house, and I was practicing one of my solos from the show. Little Auburn Aries came to chat with me and walked in as I was singing, "Now I don't have plans and schemes, and I don't have hopes and dreams, I don't have anything, since I don't have you..."
Thinking I was singing about Thor, which I guess I sort of was, Auburn Aries said cheerfully, "You have ME, Toddy..."
"Oh, I know sweetie," I said, giving her a little hug, "I was just practicing a song. But I guess it does sort of fit my life right now!"
She giggled and said, "I can still feel Thor's spirit here, can't you?"
My eyes welled with tears. I told her that I could, indeed, feel him as if he were standing right there with us. When she saw tears in my eyes, she asked me how old I was.'
"Thirty-nine," I said hesitantly, thinking she was going to tell me I was too old to cry.
"Tell me thirty-nine memories of Thor," she said.
I was speechless. This girl is smart and quick and very compassionate.
We spent the next several minutes telling each other our happy memories of a man we both love so much.
Remember when he took us for ice cream? Remember the water fight we had in the front yard? Remember how he would laugh in that silly way? Remember how we all went on a date to the restaurant?
When Auburn Pisces walked into the room, her daughter prodded her to participate in our game. "Mom, we're listing 39 things we remember about Thor. You think of one."
"I remember how he used to leave dirty dishes in the sink," she said laughing.
"No! Good ones! We're listing good memories," she chided.
We continued talking about Thor, and I glanced over at our picture on the fridge. He's got his arms around me, and we're wearing our cowboy hats. One of the happiest moments of my life is captured forever in that picture and is stuck to AP's fridge as a reminder of how good love feels.
Some of the memories we shared made my heart ache, but I've got to hand it to that kid, she knows how to be a great friend. She gets it from her mother.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Pub Quiz
Last night my friend, Apollo, called me to say hello. I was sitting in my car (and had been for at least 20 minutes) listening to a sad song.
"Are you crying?" he asked.
I told him that I was having a hard time at the moment and couldn't figure out what to do with my evening. I didn't feel like being alone. I didn't want to cook dinner and eat it by myself, but I am so sick of hanging out at bars just to avoid loneliness.
"I'll meet you for drinks in 20 minutes. And make sure you walk to the bar. You need to get your body moving. It will cheer you up!"
An hour and a half later, he called to let me know he wouldn't be able to make it because his boyfriend wanted him at home. Damn couples.
Anyway - I went to a local pub and participated in the Thursday night pub quiz. Most teams had 2-6 people. I was a team by myself, and I came in second to last place. I was beat by a team called "The King Shits of Fuck Mountain".
Can't get much lower than that, huh?
"Are you crying?" he asked.
I told him that I was having a hard time at the moment and couldn't figure out what to do with my evening. I didn't feel like being alone. I didn't want to cook dinner and eat it by myself, but I am so sick of hanging out at bars just to avoid loneliness.
"I'll meet you for drinks in 20 minutes. And make sure you walk to the bar. You need to get your body moving. It will cheer you up!"
An hour and a half later, he called to let me know he wouldn't be able to make it because his boyfriend wanted him at home. Damn couples.
Anyway - I went to a local pub and participated in the Thursday night pub quiz. Most teams had 2-6 people. I was a team by myself, and I came in second to last place. I was beat by a team called "The King Shits of Fuck Mountain".
Can't get much lower than that, huh?
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Pagan Frivolity
I can't stand to look at that post from yesterday for one more moment. I was seriously spun up yesterday. About everything!
Yes, it's true. I sometimes blow things out of proportion. For example, my birthday drunkenness. It was explained to me by several people that you are allowed to have too much to drink on your birthday. The bouncer who carried me out of CC Slaughters that night said it is almost mandatory that you overdo it to the point of not being able to walk at least once in your life.
Jaden (BFF) called last night to tell me to stop being so dramatic or she wouldn't be my locker partner next year when we graduate to middle school. Actually, she threatened not to hang out with me when she visits Portland this month, but the warning still hit home. You can find my birthday drunk dial to Jaden here. And I have absolutely no memory of making that call.
Apparently I talked to Sunney One for about 15 minutes that night too. I told her the story of the guy ripping off his shirt and giving it to me. Then I told her the same exact story, word for word, a second time.
I'll try to tone down the guilt a bit. It's no fun, I know. It's just the way I was brought up and some of that guilt still rears its ugly head from time to time. Maybe I can borrow some of Auburn Pisces' spirituality.
Auburn Pisces helped me curb my Christian Guilt with her laughter. She cracked up as she told me the story of trying to get me into the house with my jeans hanging down around my boots. I managed a smile when I heard that I actually fell off the bed while sitting down on it. If you want her rundown of the evening, you can read it here.
Yes, it's true. I sometimes blow things out of proportion. For example, my birthday drunkenness. It was explained to me by several people that you are allowed to have too much to drink on your birthday. The bouncer who carried me out of CC Slaughters that night said it is almost mandatory that you overdo it to the point of not being able to walk at least once in your life.
Jaden (BFF) called last night to tell me to stop being so dramatic or she wouldn't be my locker partner next year when we graduate to middle school. Actually, she threatened not to hang out with me when she visits Portland this month, but the warning still hit home. You can find my birthday drunk dial to Jaden here. And I have absolutely no memory of making that call.
Apparently I talked to Sunney One for about 15 minutes that night too. I told her the story of the guy ripping off his shirt and giving it to me. Then I told her the same exact story, word for word, a second time.
I'll try to tone down the guilt a bit. It's no fun, I know. It's just the way I was brought up and some of that guilt still rears its ugly head from time to time. Maybe I can borrow some of Auburn Pisces' spirituality.
Auburn Pisces helped me curb my Christian Guilt with her laughter. She cracked up as she told me the story of trying to get me into the house with my jeans hanging down around my boots. I managed a smile when I heard that I actually fell off the bed while sitting down on it. If you want her rundown of the evening, you can read it here.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Monday, October 10, 2005
A New Direction
Seeing so many warm birthday wishes in my comments makes me very happy. Thank you to everyone. I was honored to get phone calls from blogger friends all over the world too. I am feeling the love!
I celebrated my birthday with some beautiful people.
Auburn Pisces made breakfast for me and these great friends:
Tim, the Toddtender, who has a big warm heart and makes me feel loved.
Pony and his boyfriend, Chopper, who never let me down. Ever.
Juju and Metro, with whom I feel an unbreakable bond of friendship and love.
The Handsome Prince and his boyfriend, The Math Whiz, who have seen me through some of the hardest times I've ever faced and, somehow, have never given up on me.
And Auburn Pisces, who should win some kind of award for loyal friendship, even when the payback is much less than she deserves.
It was wonderful to be with people who love me.
Auburn Pisces and Pony got me a CD player for my car, which was totally unexpected. AP and I went to get it installed Saturday afternoon, and I am loving it!
It is at this point I should probably stop writing instead of inflicting my truth on the world. Many bloggers know how to put a positive spin on their lives and leave out the dirty details and shameful indiscretions. I'm not one of those bloggers.
I would be lying if I said the day was everything I'd hoped for. Everyone knows that my heart's desire was a surprise visit from Thor. I knew he probably couldn't make it back to Portland for my birthday. He told me so himself. But I still had this not-so-secret hope....
Sometimes drinking too much can be kind of funny. Cute, almost. Sometimes drinking too much can be disgusting and very, very unfunny. Saturday night I had more to drink than I ever have before or ever will again. The drinks were free, and everytime I turned around, I was being handed another whiskey. I drank to the point of not remembering anything the next day. By 11:15 p.m., I was gone. It was ugly. I was ugly. I'm told I had to be dragged to Auburn Pisces' car and poured into it.
It is embarrassing to admit that there was a certain point where Auburn Pisces nearly called 911, fearing that I had alcohol poisoning. She stayed with me until she was sure I'd be okay, but she tells me I had her very worried. When I woke up the next day and had no memory of leaving the bar or being put to bed, I was scared and remorseful. A huge chunk of my evening was missing.
I want to apologize, but I'm not sure who to apologize to. Maybe to myself? I am questioning how I got here? When did I become so reckless? When did I stop caring about my life?
If anything good came out of the whole mess, it is a new resolve to make some changes in my life. I want to be healthy and happy. I don't want to become this tragic figure I seem hell-bent on becoming. I want to change my direction and start on a new path.
I want to be alive when I'm 40.
I celebrated my birthday with some beautiful people.
Auburn Pisces made breakfast for me and these great friends:
Tim, the Toddtender, who has a big warm heart and makes me feel loved.
Pony and his boyfriend, Chopper, who never let me down. Ever.
Juju and Metro, with whom I feel an unbreakable bond of friendship and love.
The Handsome Prince and his boyfriend, The Math Whiz, who have seen me through some of the hardest times I've ever faced and, somehow, have never given up on me.
And Auburn Pisces, who should win some kind of award for loyal friendship, even when the payback is much less than she deserves.
It was wonderful to be with people who love me.
Auburn Pisces and Pony got me a CD player for my car, which was totally unexpected. AP and I went to get it installed Saturday afternoon, and I am loving it!
It is at this point I should probably stop writing instead of inflicting my truth on the world. Many bloggers know how to put a positive spin on their lives and leave out the dirty details and shameful indiscretions. I'm not one of those bloggers.
I would be lying if I said the day was everything I'd hoped for. Everyone knows that my heart's desire was a surprise visit from Thor. I knew he probably couldn't make it back to Portland for my birthday. He told me so himself. But I still had this not-so-secret hope....
Sometimes drinking too much can be kind of funny. Cute, almost. Sometimes drinking too much can be disgusting and very, very unfunny. Saturday night I had more to drink than I ever have before or ever will again. The drinks were free, and everytime I turned around, I was being handed another whiskey. I drank to the point of not remembering anything the next day. By 11:15 p.m., I was gone. It was ugly. I was ugly. I'm told I had to be dragged to Auburn Pisces' car and poured into it.
It is embarrassing to admit that there was a certain point where Auburn Pisces nearly called 911, fearing that I had alcohol poisoning. She stayed with me until she was sure I'd be okay, but she tells me I had her very worried. When I woke up the next day and had no memory of leaving the bar or being put to bed, I was scared and remorseful. A huge chunk of my evening was missing.
I want to apologize, but I'm not sure who to apologize to. Maybe to myself? I am questioning how I got here? When did I become so reckless? When did I stop caring about my life?
If anything good came out of the whole mess, it is a new resolve to make some changes in my life. I want to be healthy and happy. I don't want to become this tragic figure I seem hell-bent on becoming. I want to change my direction and start on a new path.
I want to be alive when I'm 40.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Eavesdropping
Last night at CC Slaughters, I overheard two guys talking about me. Pony was being asked some questions about me, and I heard him say, "When it comes to boyfriends, you could do worse than Todd."
I smiled smugly and secretly to myself as I sipped my Long Island Iced Tea gaily (how else would I drink it). My legs were swinging happily as I sat on my bar stool. I think I started humming a happy song in my head. Something like, "La, la, la. I am so hot. I am the hottest boy in the w-o-o-o-r-l-d. La, la, la..."
Then I heard Pony continue...
"You could do a lot better than Todd..."
WHAT!? I couldn't believe it.
I sat there wishing I hadn't overheard the conversation. I wondered why Pony would tell this guy he could do a lot better than me. I mean, not that I'm available anyway, but it would have been nice if Pony had said something kind about me.
Then I heard the guy say, "That is so sweet of you to say!"
I muttered to myself as I slurped my Long Island Iced Tea. "Yeah, I'm sure you think it's sweet. He's telling you I'm not good enough for you. Bastards. Both of you. I hope you both die. I hate you so much Pony. I wish I had never gone out with you. You are dirt. You are the dirt on the bottom of a pile of dirt."
"Todd, did you hear what Pony said about you!?"
I answered that, yes, I had indeed. "I believe Pony's exact words were that you could do much better than me," I snarled.
Pony looked at me in shock. This is not a new look. He has given me this look many times, usually right after I do or say something incredibly stupid. I wondered if I had just said or done something incredibly stupid. Probably, I thought to myself.
"I said he could do NO better than you," Pony said. His inflection indicated there was a silent "dumb ass" at the end of his statement.
"Oh. That changes everything. And I was so mad at you, Pony, wondering why you would say such a mean thing about me."
Pony shook his head at me. "You think I would say that about you?" (Another silent "dumb ass"). I realized then that if I am going to ever make it as a spy (I'm not), I'm really going to have to brush up on my eavesdropping skills.
I decided not to pursue the conversation further. I turned my attention back to my Long Island Iced Tea, and began singing verse two in my head...
"La, la, la. You could do no better than me. I am the hottest boy in the w-o-o-o-rld. Everybody wants m-e-e-e-e-e-e. Nobody's better than me. Thor is the luckiest man alive. La, la, la."
I smiled smugly and secretly to myself as I sipped my Long Island Iced Tea gaily (how else would I drink it). My legs were swinging happily as I sat on my bar stool. I think I started humming a happy song in my head. Something like, "La, la, la. I am so hot. I am the hottest boy in the w-o-o-o-r-l-d. La, la, la..."
Then I heard Pony continue...
"You could do a lot better than Todd..."
WHAT!? I couldn't believe it.
I sat there wishing I hadn't overheard the conversation. I wondered why Pony would tell this guy he could do a lot better than me. I mean, not that I'm available anyway, but it would have been nice if Pony had said something kind about me.
Then I heard the guy say, "That is so sweet of you to say!"
I muttered to myself as I slurped my Long Island Iced Tea. "Yeah, I'm sure you think it's sweet. He's telling you I'm not good enough for you. Bastards. Both of you. I hope you both die. I hate you so much Pony. I wish I had never gone out with you. You are dirt. You are the dirt on the bottom of a pile of dirt."
"Todd, did you hear what Pony said about you!?"
I answered that, yes, I had indeed. "I believe Pony's exact words were that you could do much better than me," I snarled.
Pony looked at me in shock. This is not a new look. He has given me this look many times, usually right after I do or say something incredibly stupid. I wondered if I had just said or done something incredibly stupid. Probably, I thought to myself.
"I said he could do NO better than you," Pony said. His inflection indicated there was a silent "dumb ass" at the end of his statement.
"Oh. That changes everything. And I was so mad at you, Pony, wondering why you would say such a mean thing about me."
Pony shook his head at me. "You think I would say that about you?" (Another silent "dumb ass"). I realized then that if I am going to ever make it as a spy (I'm not), I'm really going to have to brush up on my eavesdropping skills.
I decided not to pursue the conversation further. I turned my attention back to my Long Island Iced Tea, and began singing verse two in my head...
"La, la, la. You could do no better than me. I am the hottest boy in the w-o-o-o-rld. Everybody wants m-e-e-e-e-e-e. Nobody's better than me. Thor is the luckiest man alive. La, la, la."
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Huh?
1. My mother, upon finding out that I am going to Tokyo in January, asked if I could hand out fliers on the street for a new business she's involved with. They plan on launching their product in Japan next year, and she thought it would be good if I could start getting the word out.
2. Marcus, who had drinks with me in Las Vegas at Hamburger Mary's, made a point of telling me he was straight. He spent the rest of the night taking me to local gay bars, buying me beer, rubbing my back, and pouting when I said I didn't want to go dancing at a gay nightclub. He drove me back to my hotel and asked if he could join me inside for a nightcap. A straight nightcap, mind you, but I still said no.
3. I stood in line behind a lady ordering lunch at a local deli. She asked for a Cobb Salad. "Do you want everything on that?" asked the girl behind the counter. "I don't know," replied the woman. "What do you put on a Cobb Salad that I don't like?"
2. Marcus, who had drinks with me in Las Vegas at Hamburger Mary's, made a point of telling me he was straight. He spent the rest of the night taking me to local gay bars, buying me beer, rubbing my back, and pouting when I said I didn't want to go dancing at a gay nightclub. He drove me back to my hotel and asked if he could join me inside for a nightcap. A straight nightcap, mind you, but I still said no.
3. I stood in line behind a lady ordering lunch at a local deli. She asked for a Cobb Salad. "Do you want everything on that?" asked the girl behind the counter. "I don't know," replied the woman. "What do you put on a Cobb Salad that I don't like?"
Monday, October 03, 2005
Don't Let Anyone Steal Your Sausage
Dreams can be so crazy. I can't stand sausage thiefs.
Last night I had a dream that my friend, Christian, died. The thing is, I don't know anybody named Christian. But coping with his death was traumatic in my dream. Christian had given me some sort of Chinese engraving made out of jade. Maybe I had that dream because I talked to Kiks yesterday. (No, he's not dead. He's Chinese)
The best dreams, for me, usually involve a visit to Paris. I have Paris dreams quite frequently. In many of these dreams I spontaneously decide to hop on a flight to France some Friday afternoon and fly back to the states on Sunday evening. In one dream the trip was so impulsive that I didn't have any clean clothes for the journey, so I brought my laundry bag to Paris and decided to just wash my clothes when I got there.
My favorite dreams, lately, involve just being with Thor. Sometimes the dreams happen while I'm awake, like when Auburn Pisces was doing a house blessing ritual for Juju and Link Friday night. While participating in the ritual, I had such a strong daydream about the day that Thor and I move into a home together someday.
I don't always remember the details of my dreams about Thor. I just wake up with a feeling of safety, and I know that we were together in my dream. When we're actually back together in our waking hours, I'll never take his companionship for granted. Just being in the same room with him will make my world so much brighter.
"In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities."
-- Janos Arany
Last night I had a dream that my friend, Christian, died. The thing is, I don't know anybody named Christian. But coping with his death was traumatic in my dream. Christian had given me some sort of Chinese engraving made out of jade. Maybe I had that dream because I talked to Kiks yesterday. (No, he's not dead. He's Chinese)
The best dreams, for me, usually involve a visit to Paris. I have Paris dreams quite frequently. In many of these dreams I spontaneously decide to hop on a flight to France some Friday afternoon and fly back to the states on Sunday evening. In one dream the trip was so impulsive that I didn't have any clean clothes for the journey, so I brought my laundry bag to Paris and decided to just wash my clothes when I got there.
My favorite dreams, lately, involve just being with Thor. Sometimes the dreams happen while I'm awake, like when Auburn Pisces was doing a house blessing ritual for Juju and Link Friday night. While participating in the ritual, I had such a strong daydream about the day that Thor and I move into a home together someday.
I don't always remember the details of my dreams about Thor. I just wake up with a feeling of safety, and I know that we were together in my dream. When we're actually back together in our waking hours, I'll never take his companionship for granted. Just being in the same room with him will make my world so much brighter.
"In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities."
-- Janos Arany
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