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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Thursday, October 06, 2005


Last night at CC Slaughters, I overheard two guys talking about me. Pony was being asked some questions about me, and I heard him say, "When it comes to boyfriends, you could do worse than Todd."

I smiled smugly and secretly to myself as I sipped my Long Island Iced Tea gaily (how else would I drink it). My legs were swinging happily as I sat on my bar stool. I think I started humming a happy song in my head. Something like, "La, la, la. I am so hot. I am the hottest boy in the w-o-o-o-r-l-d. La, la, la..."

Then I heard Pony continue...
"You could do a lot better than Todd..."

WHAT!? I couldn't believe it.

I sat there wishing I hadn't overheard the conversation. I wondered why Pony would tell this guy he could do a lot better than me. I mean, not that I'm available anyway, but it would have been nice if Pony had said something kind about me.

Then I heard the guy say, "That is so sweet of you to say!"

I muttered to myself as I slurped my Long Island Iced Tea. "Yeah, I'm sure you think it's sweet. He's telling you I'm not good enough for you. Bastards. Both of you. I hope you both die. I hate you so much Pony. I wish I had never gone out with you. You are dirt. You are the dirt on the bottom of a pile of dirt."

"Todd, did you hear what Pony said about you!?"

I answered that, yes, I had indeed. "I believe Pony's exact words were that you could do much better than me," I snarled.

Pony looked at me in shock. This is not a new look. He has given me this look many times, usually right after I do or say something incredibly stupid. I wondered if I had just said or done something incredibly stupid. Probably, I thought to myself.

"I said he could do NO better than you," Pony said. His inflection indicated there was a silent "dumb ass" at the end of his statement.

"Oh. That changes everything. And I was so mad at you, Pony, wondering why you would say such a mean thing about me."

Pony shook his head at me. "You think I would say that about you?" (Another silent "dumb ass"). I realized then that if I am going to ever make it as a spy (I'm not), I'm really going to have to brush up on my eavesdropping skills.

I decided not to pursue the conversation further. I turned my attention back to my Long Island Iced Tea, and began singing verse two in my head...

"La, la, la. You could do no better than me. I am the hottest boy in the w-o-o-o-rld. Everybody wants m-e-e-e-e-e-e. Nobody's better than me. Thor is the luckiest man alive. La, la, la."

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