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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Monday, October 10, 2005

A New Direction

Seeing so many warm birthday wishes in my comments makes me very happy. Thank you to everyone. I was honored to get phone calls from blogger friends all over the world too. I am feeling the love!

I celebrated my birthday with some beautiful people.

Auburn Pisces made breakfast for me and these great friends:

Tim, the Toddtender, who has a big warm heart and makes me feel loved.

Pony and his boyfriend, Chopper, who never let me down. Ever.

Juju and Metro, with whom I feel an unbreakable bond of friendship and love.

The Handsome Prince and his boyfriend, The Math Whiz, who have seen me through some of the hardest times I've ever faced and, somehow, have never given up on me.

And Auburn Pisces, who should win some kind of award for loyal friendship, even when the payback is much less than she deserves.

It was wonderful to be with people who love me.

Auburn Pisces and Pony got me a CD player for my car, which was totally unexpected. AP and I went to get it installed Saturday afternoon, and I am loving it!

It is at this point I should probably stop writing instead of inflicting my truth on the world. Many bloggers know how to put a positive spin on their lives and leave out the dirty details and shameful indiscretions. I'm not one of those bloggers.

I would be lying if I said the day was everything I'd hoped for. Everyone knows that my heart's desire was a surprise visit from Thor. I knew he probably couldn't make it back to Portland for my birthday. He told me so himself. But I still had this not-so-secret hope....

Sometimes drinking too much can be kind of funny. Cute, almost. Sometimes drinking too much can be disgusting and very, very unfunny. Saturday night I had more to drink than I ever have before or ever will again. The drinks were free, and everytime I turned around, I was being handed another whiskey. I drank to the point of not remembering anything the next day. By 11:15 p.m., I was gone. It was ugly. I was ugly. I'm told I had to be dragged to Auburn Pisces' car and poured into it.

It is embarrassing to admit that there was a certain point where Auburn Pisces nearly called 911, fearing that I had alcohol poisoning. She stayed with me until she was sure I'd be okay, but she tells me I had her very worried. When I woke up the next day and had no memory of leaving the bar or being put to bed, I was scared and remorseful. A huge chunk of my evening was missing.

I want to apologize, but I'm not sure who to apologize to. Maybe to myself? I am questioning how I got here? When did I become so reckless? When did I stop caring about my life?

If anything good came out of the whole mess, it is a new resolve to make some changes in my life. I want to be healthy and happy. I don't want to become this tragic figure I seem hell-bent on becoming. I want to change my direction and start on a new path.

I want to be alive when I'm 40.

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