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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Crazy Faith

I know you don't understand, when I tell you I'm going to wait for him to come home. You want me to stop putting my life on hold. You wish I would just let go and move on. But I have crazy faith in him. I don't know how to describe my situation other than to say I am incapable of taking back my heart.

When you tell me he's going to disappear, I remember his promise to prove you wrong. "He'll be dancing at our wedding someday..."

You tell me I give too much of myself. That I trust when I shouldn't. That I deserve better.

How can there be something better than loving someone so much that even the bad times don't cause me to bail out of the relationship? With him, I have no instinct of self-preservation. I'm on a plane in a thunderstorm ignoring the safety instructions from the flight attendant.

I'm not looking for the emergency exit. In fact, I fear that falling out of love with him may just be the end of me. It is belonging to him that keeps me going lately.

You shake your head at my stubborn commitment. Sometimes, when you aren't looking, I shake my head too. But I won't let you see that, because I fear that you'll use that against me. "A-ha! You doubt him! You're afraid!"

Sometimes I'm afraid. What if I put all my hopes into him, and he fails me? I guess I'll take that pain over no hope at all. Of one thing I'm certain...this is me. This is what I do. If I love a man, there will be nobody else. No back-up plan. No side bet. This is it for me, until he tells me otherwise.

Christmas is coming. And, after that, the dancing.

1 comment:

karenina said...

i understand strong love but safty for oneself is most important taking a break can be a good thing if love needs you so be it, but who knows what else one can find by just walking down a differant street. some good some bad