My best friend, The Handsome Prince, has a boyfriend, The Math Whiz, who works here at my company. We hardly see each other since we're in different buildings, but every now and then we get a chance to play a little game that is all our own. We used to play it all the time when I lived with him and The Handsome Prince. I pretend to hate The Math Whiz deeply, and he pretends to yearn for my friendship above anything else. It's great. Nobody else thinks it's funny but us. See if you agree. Here's our instant messaging chat from this morning:
Math Whiz: Remember that time that I invited you to lunch and you said that you couldn't cuz your break was over but then an hour later when I came back from lunch you were sitting in the exact same spot and you abruptly told me not to question your schedule.
Math Whiz: remember?
Hot Toddy: I am on the phone with HR right now - I am letting them know about an employee who is abusing Instant Messaging. Sorry it is taking me so long to respond to your barrage of messages.
Hot Toddy: HR wants to know - I mean, I want to know your employee number, please.
Math Whiz: but last time I gave it to you i got suspended without pay for two weeks
Math Whiz: I am sure it was just coincidence
Hot Toddy: Also - do you have any empty boxes at your desk or can you get one? You might need it this afternoon.
Math Whiz: but i am still a little nervous
Hot Toddy: Do you have a lot of personal pictures and stuff at your desk? Just curious.
Math Whiz: um yes
Math Whiz: here I can tell you each and every one of them
Math Whiz: they all have great little stories behind them
Math Whiz: or better yet I can bring all of them over to your cube and just hang out with you and go over them all
Hot Toddy: When you box them up this afternoon you can drop by and show them to me unless for some reason your badge stops working for this building at 1pm.
Hot Toddy: I mean - -
Math Whiz: hey wait
Math Whiz: what?
Hot Toddy: I mean - that is silly. Why would your badge stop working
Math Whiz: yea
Math Whiz: like it did those two weeks i got suspended without pay
Math Whiz: right after i gave you my badge number
Hot Toddy: that is crazy talk - i don't know why i said that
Hot Toddy: If HR lets someone go, I am sure they will give the person plenty of notice in case the person wanted to corrupt files on our system or something
Hot Toddy: It is not like someone is just going to drop by your desk and escort you out of the building
Math Whiz: but during my suspension they put this black hood on my head and something like soap bars in pillow cases were hitting me all over my torso
Math Whiz: it all just seemed suspicious to me
Math Whiz: like an act of hatred or something.
Hot Toddy: Anyway- I try to only use IM for business purposes as clearly stated in our company policy, so I am going to have to close now. Have fun using IM to chat with all your little friends - you never know if or when that privilege might be taken away from you, so enjoy it while you can.
Hot Toddy: Good day sir
Math Whiz: but...
Hot Toddy: I SAID GOOD DAY!!!
Hot Toddy: And.......scene.
Math Whiz: lol... aaahhh it never gets old.
Hot Toddy: i know - we are ridiculous
Math Whiz: okay now that i got that out of my system I can get back to work.
Math Whiz: bi bi
Hot Toddy: buy buy
He's right, though. It never gets old. And the scary thing is we just keep getting better and better at this routine.