Featured Post

Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Hello Again, Venus

Hey bitch,

It has been a couple years since I've written. The last letter I wrote you was pretty harsh, I know. It seems terribly inappropriate to write a hate letter to the Goddess of Love. So, I can only imagine your surprise at getting two hate letters from me. Believe it or not, I have more to say, so sit your hourglass figure down, you Rubenesque wenchbag, and brace yourself for another rant.

Venus, as you know, traditionally May is the month you make me do stupid things with stupid boys. I get crushes and get asked on first dates and fall head over heels for the wrong people in the month of May. May is when I start noticing the days getting longer and the shirt sleeves and pant legs getting shorter. I think you are taking unfair advantage of the unfortunate simultaneous appearance of both spring fever and muscle shirts. That's a dangerous combination, and you know it.

Recently I received a really sweet card from my ex, CT, and he mentioned that he thinks of me often. (Of course you know that - you probably made him write it.) I assumed I would probably see him again sometime soon. After all, I have no choice but to see him if I ever want to see my poor little ancient dog, Bonkers.

Venus, I have no doubt that you are the one who planted the idea in my heart today to go sit in the park with Ms. Karma during an afternoon break. We never ever go to that park, but today I felt absolutely compelled to cross the street and sit by the fountain. I now realize this was all part of your evil plan. You just wanted me to run into my ex and his partner while I was wearing a FAT shirt! I wore this big baggy shirt today because it's hot outside and I needed something nice and loose. It is not a "Today I shall run into my ex" t-shirt, you whore! It is a "Sit on the couch and cram Reese's Peanut Buter Cups down my piehole while I watch my stories" shirt.

Just yesterday I wore a very smart short-sleeve black shirt that fits me well and contrasts nicely with my complexion and blond hair. You could have orchestrated this little "chance" meeting yesterday when I looked like Hot Toddy. But, no, you thought it would be more fun to see me introduced to my ex's partner when I was dressed like Mama Cass in her psychedelic tent dress.

Also, was it part of your scheme to make sure I forgot to bring hair product to the gym this morning so that I would have Homeless Hunchback Hair today when I saw CT? Nice move, you trollop. I hope some lady cuts her leg open while shaving her legs with one of your razors and then sues your voluptuous ass.

In a few hours, I'll be changing into shorts and a t-shirt. You and I both know I look adorable in my jock clothes. So why, oh why couldn't CT and his new "VH-1 veejay circa 1986" boyfriend have run into me then?!?

How cool is it that I didn't get much sleep last night and woke up earlier than I wanted to this morning? I'll bet the bags under my eyes look so sexy. God, Venus, do you have nothing better to do than torture me? Can't you go fuck with Brad and Angelina and Jen some more? Go make trouble for Tom and Katie. I just want to be left alone!

Today was so embarrassing. I can't even hold my head up, Venus. As I sit here staring down at my chest, I notice there are tons of frayed threads on this tablecloth shirt I wore today.

I hate you so much, Venus.

No comments: