Now that Thor and I are no longer together, I'm working on letting go, and it's so hard. I haven't been there for my friends the way I should be, because my soul is wrapped up in the fetal position.
Auburn Pisces' latest post made me feel so guilty. I have been going through the motions. My body is there, but my spirit is hiding. After I read Thor's letter, in which he asked me not to call him anymore, I helped my friend AP hang Christmas lights. I wasn't really there with her; I was just a tall robot performing a task.
The other night she was upset, and I handed her a cigarette. Then I went into her room to try and clean up the mess that had upset her. I wasn't very successful. I had just returned from a night at the bar, so my feeble attempt didn't accomplish much. Next, I went downstairs to my bedroom and threw myself onto my bed, where I cried and screamed at Thor. I muffled my face with my pillow, but later learned that AP heard me anyway. While she was upset and hurting, I was in my room feeling like I would rather be dead than deal with my pain. Like her, I feel I have nothing to give.
For the past two days, I've tried to change that. I have dressed in new clothes and worked out and tried not to drink too much. Friends tell me I seem lighter and stronger than they've seen me in months. I am making an effort to pull myself together. I invited lots of friends to join me for happy hour yesterday, and we had a great time. I cracked jokes, flirted, played, danced my special "Hollaback Girl" dance, and made sarcastic jabs at Pony. (He can take it as well as dish it out)
The Professor has been away, so I had to catch him up on the story of my being dumped. His thoughtful words and kind heart moved me. And I found myself getting real, in spite of my resolve to entertain the masses.
As an actor and blogger and musician and writer, I've learned to find my value in my ability to entertain. You performers will understand what I'm talking about. If I am not moving you emotionally, I'll worry that I'm not doing my job. So, when I heard a song playing in the bar that made my heart hurt, I began to falter. My act started to bomb. I started to lose my shtick. Between that damn song (Late nights, playin' in the dark and wakin' up inside my arms. Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes. You still want it. So don't forget about us...) and my honest talk with The Professor, the facade began to crumble, and so did I.
Mz Karma saw it first. The tears came to my eyes, and she started to reach for me. I shook my head, because her kindness would only make me melt, and I quickly walked away from my friends. I want to make them proud. I want to inspire them. I no longer want them to see me cry. I don't want Thor to know I cry about him, and if he ever talks to my friends again or reads this blog, he'll find out I'm not doing so well. I know he wants me to get on with my life.
I came back and sat down again. I made a couple more jokes, but they were weak. I sat back and watched friends who are couples and friends who were flirting with each other. I tried so hard, it was almost as if I could physically exert myself to have fun. But my energy ran out and another song began playing, (Here comes the rain again
falling from the stars, drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are. As my memory rests but never forgets what I lost, wake me up when September ends).
Before I knew it, everyone was leaving to go to dinner. I said that I wanted to be alone. As I was hugging Pony goodbye, I began to cry in the arms of this man who has been a constant friend to me. A year ago I was crying over him. Now I find myself crying in his arms over somebody else.
I'm trying. Really, I am. I don't want to sit around and mope. I don't want to hurt anymore. I agreed to go on a date with a certain Volkswagen. Actually, he invited me to sleep with him, but I insisted on dinner and a movie.