My Enemy

"You are not as unhealthy as you think you are!"
-- Nurse Practitioner to Hot Toddy as I sat crying in her office over my recent weight gain

"We have to get you past this idea that all of your relationships will only last two months."
-- Thor to Toddy on one of our dates

"Why do you think you are so unworthy of love? "
-- Juju to Toddy on a break at work

"No, you are not pathetic for buying ready-made mashed potatoes at the grocery store. "
-- Auburn Pisces to Toddy after my trip to the grocery store

"You are such a loser."
-- Hot Toddy to himself

Last weekend I walked into a local bar, and a table of guys whistled at me. Some of them were acquaintances, and some of them were strangers. But I felt bad inside, because I thought they were being sarcastic. I thought they were mocking me. Later the same evening this guy who likes me "that way" said he envied me, because all those guys (he was one of them) had whistled at me when I walked in. I didn't tell him that I had misinterpreted their whistling and thought they were making fun of me.

A couple years ago at Pride, a guy in the bar squirted me with a water gun. I felt bad inside, because I thought it was an act of hostility. It wasn't until later that day that I realized one of my friends was squirting boys he wanted to flirt with. It occurred to me then that perhaps the water gun incident had been an act of flirtation.

Yes, I'm damaged goods. (Personally, I think everyone is damaged goods, but there are way too many people out there who won't admit it.)

I'll admit it. I've got issues.

This morning I went for a check-up and, after being weighed, realized that I have fallen off the bandwagon. Actually, I have fallen off the bandwagon and tumbled down a steep embankment into a sewage ditch but not before splitting my head open on a boulder. But, unlike the lady in the commercial, I've fallen and I can get up. I will get up.

My new doctor is very compassionate. She reviewed the concerns I'd listed on the form I'd filled out upon checking in for my appointment. She asked about my heartburn, and I told her that I haven't been going to the gym and that my heartburn usually goes away when I'm getting enough exercise. We agreed that my renewed commitment to fitness could be the key to feeling better. Then she asked about my depression, and I told her that in the past year and a half I have found myself feeling heartbroken about every three months. Then I told her that I am currently in a long-distance relationship and that I am having difficulty eating and, sometimes, sleeping. My voice started shaking. She pushed a box of Kleenex towards me, and I lost it. If I am hurting and a person shows me kindness, I'll most likely break down and cry.

I told my doctor that I've been avoiding a checkup for a long time, because I didn't want to know how much weight I'd gained. I didn't want to admit how angry I am, because I have let myself go. If I don't eat regularly, I don't lose weight. On the contrary, my body stores fat at an incredible rate if I do not keep my metabolism up by eating frequent small meals. For the past couple months I've been drinking almost every day and frequently skipping meals. And for the past year, I've barely worked out at all. As a result, I feel like a failure.

As I told my doctor that I plan on committing to myself and to the gym and to becoming healthier, she was supportive, but still seemed rather surprised. "Todd, you might need to lose a few pounds, but you are not as unhealthy as you seem to think you are."

Story of my life. Granted, it is no mystery to me why I don't feel good about myself right now. But, damn it, why must I be my own worst critic? I kick myself when I am down. I tear myself apart for the smallest things. I am surrounded by people who love me and give me their hearts, and all the time I feel that I don't deserve it.

Why would you read my blog/be my friend/be my boyfriend/want to kiss me/burn me a CD/buy me a drink/call me/write me/love me?

Inside of me, there is a "Hot Toddy". Inside of me there is also an "Ugh, Todd". They don't get along well. Hot Toddy is the kissing bandit who will kiss two boys at the bar even if they are standing two feet from each other. Hot Toddy loves to make everyone laugh. He makes fun of himself, but doesn't really mean it. He dresses great and smells great and feels great.

Ugh, Todd is a different story. He sucks. But he's going to go away now. I have the workout clothes ready to go today, and the stack of Men's Fitness magazines at my desk must weigh 5 pounds. That may be too heavy for weak lazy Ugh, Todd to lift today, but in a week or two Hot Toddy will tackle it with no problem.