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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

On the Mend

I have not written much lately about the break-up. Mostly, because I don't want people to leave mean comments about Thor. He is a beautiful soul, and I hurt to think of him reading angry or insulting comments about himself.

Thor, if you are reading this, know that I don't want you to feel "slaughtered" or hated. Do not feel you have to defend yourself to me or anyone. You are so loved by me, you can't even imagine....


It's still hard. I cry every day. Hell, I am crying as I write this. I miss him so bad. I feel like I've been destroyed and that I am now so fucked up I'll never be okay again. I feel sick. I am so tired of fighting, and sometimes I want to hibernate until the spring. At moments like this, when I try to write about it, the pain is as severe and fresh as it was the day I received his letter. The letter that changed everything....

But I am on the mend. I just now blew my nose and wiped away the tears and am drinking water. I was so worried someone would approach my desk and find me in tears. I thought I was going to have to use the old, "I just care so deeply about this project. I am passionate about the deadlines and sometimes worry we will not meet them" routine. Fortunately, nobody saw me crying. It is just between me and you 500 people who read the blog.

My mom is worried about me. Then again, she always finds something to worry about. When I lived in Washington DC, she warned me not to get too close to the ducks on the Potomac River because "those ducks can PECK!!"

We've been e-mailing back and forth for the past few days. Mainly, she is asking me for Christmas gift ideas. And she talks about how worried she is about me. See, I never talked to her about my boyfriends before. Not until this summer, when I met the man I thought I was meant to be with.

I was so certain that he was different from all the others. I was so certain that we were going to be together for a long, long time. So, I wanted my family to know about him. And I showed my mother pictures of him last time I was home. In one of the pictures, we were wearing our cowboy hats, and he was holding my hand. (I removed from the stack any pictures of him kissing me)

My mom cried, and, unfortunately, they were not tears of joy. She is just so confused by the fact that her only son is gay. I know she loves me, but it also makes her sad that I am not straight.

My mom and dad are doing the best they can. They try to accept my sexual orientation. They say that they do not judge me, and explain that they just don't understand. And I tell them that I will not try to push them to change since they do not push me to change. But I made it clear this summer, that I want the same rights as my sister and everyone else in the family: I want the freedom to discuss my relationships and to share the highs and lows of giving my heart. And, mostly, they are on board with my wishes.

Maybe it was too soon to tell my mom about the man I loved. In retrospect, I can see that things would be much easier if I just hadn't mentioned him. But I had a strong sense that my family would be meeting him someday. His constant reassurance that we were going to live together and have a marriage and even kids someday made me so certain ..... damn, now the tears are falling again...

(Such a pain in my heart as I write this - you can't imagine. It is like a knife plunging in over and over again)

Anyway. My mom is kinda kooky - kinda dingy - very compassionate - very fun - and she always tries to put a positive spin on things. My mom and I are a lot alike. Her use of emoticons and exclamation points exceeds even my liberal use of those forms of expression. But the wise and loving words of a mother are always a beautiful thing to share with your friends.

So I give you this message from Hot Toddy's mom. She's the best...

Surviving is a mindset ~ there are toooooooooooooo many playing victim these days and that's the most self defeating attitude there is.

I know you won't play that game. You have way too much to offer someone to settle for deceit, lies, lack of integrity and all the rest. When someone violates that, you just have to know that's not a good thing and you aren't open for that type of relationship. So, - NEXT ! ha!

You know it's easy to get carried away with some personalities but learn to read into people more - and try to stay tuned in without getting roped in! It's too much of a hurt factor when it goes off into another direction leaving you wondering what just happened.

Getting wise to your own true needs and what's best for you is the goal.

There are Givers and there are Takers !

I know you are mending - and aren't we all? There are so many unfair things that go on in our lives and if we don't shake them off and have that good mindset I mentioned we do fall into more traps ~ and then it becomes a vicious cycle.

Well, ya know I could have been as good as Dr Phil - but I chose to be a mom with
more advice than you asked for!!!!!!!!! ha - gotcha!

Anyway, life is interesting and life is learning everyday to become better for ourselves! We have to learn to be our own Best Friend !

Meantime, don't let the experience...take You away from You ! get it? and definitely don't let anyone take advantage of your heart again either.

No one should just feel like they can come/go into our most sacred place..
our hearts. Its why I love this song: *R* E* S* P* E* C* T*

Now. go take on the day ! :):):)
Your Mom

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