Careful with that Axe, Eugene - by Hot Toddy

From: “The Writer’s Nightmare” – Stark Raving Theatre, Portland, Oregon

The song that prompted the script was "Careful with that Axe, Eugene" by Pink Floyd.

I also put the other improv cues in bold text. These were scene locations or lines from the improvisational scenes that I incorporated into my script, as required by the rules of the evening.

It was a lot of fun, although I am not sure how well this will read for people not actually at the event!

January 2003

Cast:

Eugene
Pinky
Greek Chorus
Greek Chorus “soloist”


EUGENE: My fear of women has always caused me so much pain. While other guys seemed to have incredible luck with women, I have always felt so alone. So inadequate. My penis, being of smallish size has been a source of great embarrassment over the years.

Tonight will be different. I transferred to the University of Oregon because I had been rejected by all the women at Linfield College. Now it is a new era for me. Tonight, I, Eugene Floyd, will embark on an incredible journey known as, The First Date.

GREEK CHORUS: (in unison) We are here witnessing your new journey, oh brave one. We will support you. Counsel you. Guide you. Listen to us.

EUGENE: What the hell?

GREEK CHORUS: Life is hard and scary, Eugene Floyd. Sometimes we have no safety chain. You must trust and go blindly into the future.

EUGENE: Who are you people?

GREEK CHORUS: We are your guides, Eugene. We are the counselors you have called out for. From darkest hopelessness we have emerged. We are The Greek Chorus.

EUGENE: I’m not really into the whole fraternity thing.

GREEK CHORUS: We are here to help. We will help to free the kink of your hose known as your dating life.

EUGENE: Oh - - okay. Thanks.

GREEK CHORUS: We have witnessed your failures and your smallish penis. We want you to learn.

MICHELLE: And Grow.

EUGENE: She’s coming. Pinky Boyd! The hottest girl on campus.

Pinky: Hi, I’m sorry for being late. The fan belt went out on my car.

EUGENE: What’s that?

PINKY: It wraps around the pulleys.

EUGENE: Wow, I bet that was expensive to replace.

PINKY: 15.95.

GREEK CHORUS: Highway Robbery!

(Pinky is taken aback by the Greek Chorus)

EUGENE: Well, I’m glad you got it worked out.

PINKY: Thanks. So, have you decided where we’re going on our date?

EUGENE: Well, I thought maybe we could go to this flea market and - -

GREEK CHORUS: Tragedy! You are doomed to a life of loneliness.

EUGENE: I mean, we could go to the park and feed the ducks.

GREEK CHORUS: Be careful, Eugene. Those ducks can peck.

MICHELLE: Hard.

PINKY: I don’t know if I’m really in the mood for that. I’m kind of hungry after the fan belt ordeal.

GREEK CHORUS: Her life is hard. She is a beautiful woman who just forked over almost twenty bucks for car repairs. Show her mercy, Eugene. Show her mercy.

EUGENE: Let’s go eat somewhere then. Where would you like to go?

GREEK CHORUS: Take her to Hot Dog on a Stick. Their food is like a splendid buffet fit for kings or strippers.

PINKY: Strippers? What – who are you people?

EUGENE: Oh, um – Pinky…. This is my Greek Chorus. They’re here to help me. Greek Chorus, this is Pinky.

GREEK CHORUS: Nice to meet you.

PINKY: Are they coming with us, Eugene?

EUGENE: No – no! I think they’re leaving now. I got it from here Greek Chorus. Thanks for your help.

GREEK CHORUS: We will never leave you or forsake you, Eugene. We are your guides, Eugene. We are the counselors you have called out for. From darkest hopelessness we have emerged. We are The Greek Chorus. We are talkative and speak in unison. Sometimes we get a little wordy and have a hard time speaking in unison. Nevertheless, we are here to help.

EUGENE: Guys, please.

GREEK CHORUS: We’re not going anywhere, Eugene.

PINKY: Let’s just go, I’m hungry.

GREEK CHORUS: The two young lovers set out on their date. At first Eugene was very awkward. Like when someone finds out that you enjoy watching Hee Haw reruns. But as the evening wore on, Eugene began feeling more confident. And his smallish penis even began to feel a bit less flaccid.

** (Writer's Note: “time” was called at this point in my writing – I had about one minute to finish up the scene and present it to the actors for performance)

PINKY: Eugene, this has been a wonderful date.

GREEK CHORUS: Show off for her Eugene. It is almost time for the goodnight kiss.

EUGENE: I want to show you something before I kiss you, Pinky.

PINKY: What are you doing with that axe, Eugene?

GREEK CHORUS: As a lumberjack major, Eugene always carried a spare axe with him. But alas, that was his downfall. Pinky’s downfall, actually.

EUGENE: Pinky, before I kiss you, I want to chop down a tree for you. Show you what a man I am.

GREEK CHORUS: Swinging the axe. Recklessly diving into an unknown future like Brittney Spears in a Las Vegas Chapel. The last sight Pinky would ever see was that steel blade heading for her pretty face.

PINKY: Careful with that axe, Eugene…