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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Monday, January 12, 2004

Dear Dr. Phil:

First of all, I would like to thank you for allowing everyone to call you by your first name. This familiarity with the masses inspires great confidence. Very few professionals are willing to be on a first name basis with ordinary people like me. In fact, the only others I can think of right now are Judge Judy, Dr. Laura and Pope John Paul. It is very handy to know right off the bat what a person does for a living, and I wish that President George would follow your example. I truly believe we could be much happier if our world more closely resembled Sesame Street and we simply called each other Grocer Bob, Lawyer Johnnie or Big Slut Paris.

I’m sorry I got sidetracked for a moment, and I hope you will teach me what to do about that problem on an upcoming show. If you have already covered that topic, please send me the transcript or fly me to your studio for further psychological treatment. My primary reason for writing goes beyond commending you for your folksy charm. I am concerned about you, Dr. Phil. In addition to promoting your son’s books, I know you are also in the business of righting wrongs and addressing concerns, so I know you will pay careful attention to what I am about to share with you.

Dr. Phil, you seem unhappy to me. You are sort of crabby with people when they come to you for help in spite of the fact that the lunatics of this world are increasing your television ratings. I would think you would be happy to see us - them - on your show. Please try to smile more, and stop being so harsh. I know you will take this constructive criticism from me, because I heard you say one time on your show that you are not perfect. This was a really courageous thing for you to admit, and I am proud of you. I hope your mostly natural beauty of a wife, Robin, did not coerce you into making such a statement. I worry sometimes that she forced you to say that on the air because of something you may have done to hurt her. I am not saying you hit her or anything, but, as I mentioned, you do seem crabby sometimes, and I would not put it past you.

I think I may be able to offer you one more intelligent observation, Dr. Phil. Just one more, and then I think I’m pretty much tapped out. Dr. Phil, you are trying to help people lose weight with that Lard Ass Challenge or whatever you call it, but you do not strike me as being particularly svelte. I could be wrong, as I have not seen you with your shirt off and have not yet decided if that is something I would enjoy. (I do find your son attractive, and I would like to see shirtless pictures of him. Please consider posting sexy photos of Famous Person's Son Jay on your website.)

A few years ago Richard Simmons conducted a reign of terror on fat people. He was looked up to as a fitness guru by millions, yet his body was repulsive to me. I hope this does not seem superficial but I prefer getting fitness advice from someone that’s really hot.

Well, if there is one thing I’ve learned from watching your show it's that advice is most effective when delivered in eight-minute segments between commercial breaks, so I will not drag this out further.

Thank you for all you do for me, and please say hello to Homemaker Robin.

Senior Information Technology Technical Writer Todd

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