Last week at karaoke, I was a really bad man.
My best friends often tell me to use my "inside voice" when I'm drunk. I tend to say whatever is on my mind and think that nobody will hear me. If anybody does hear me, I have to backpedal and try to cover for the horrible things I've said. (Sort of like Howard Dean, I guess.) A lot of times I am very effective at backpedaling due to extensive dramatic training. Sometimes I go too far to backpedal.
Monster is a regular at The Galaxy, and he specializes in stomach-churning screaming industrial rock. He ends every song with his own special vomit sound, the likes of which I've never heard. I have been listening to Monster for months and months and am proud to say I have never pushed him through the plate glass windows. I am not alone in my assessment. In fact, I have never heard anybody say they enjoyed a performance by Monster. It really is that bad. Irritating screaming grating shrieks into the microphone that make your head hurt. Am I being clear?
So, last week, after lots of Maker's Mark and Bud Lite, I couldn't hold it in any longer. Monster ended his song, and I started imitating the patented Monster vomit sound. Loudly. And drunkenly. I jammed my finger down my throat and started making disgusting retching sounds.
I think at that point someone told me that I should use my "inside vomit sound" or something. But I don't remember. Lots of people at my table were laughing, which is the worst thing you can ever do if you want me to shut up. Laugh at me, and I become a whore. I will sweat and bleed until I get you off, comedically speaking of course.
After my vomit imitation conluded, I turned into Cordelia Chase of Sunnydale High. I launched into a monologue about how irritating Monster is. How crazy he drives everybody at the bar. How he is like the CHESS CLUB and me and my friends are like the FOOTBALL PLAYERS and PROM QUEENS. Yeah, I actually said that. I said that, although I had been teased in high school, I was now one of the popular ones. And I said Monster would never be popular. And that he would never sit at our table with the cool kids. People were laughing at my monologue, and I can't say how long it went on before my roommate hissed at me, "He is sitting right behind us."
I had no idea. Honest. And I didn't know what to do.
I would never be intentionally cruel to someone. Not that I am a saint, because a saint wouldn't have said such mean things in the first place. True, I am a gay man and when our claws come out somebody is probably going to bleed, but usually I show so much more restraint.
So Monster heard everything. I can't even look him in the eye anymore. Some of my friends are being nicer to him on my behalf, but I'm still avoiding the situation. Poor guy.
Last night he screamed into the microphone just like always. Maybe I didn't crush his spirit or anything. Maybe my opinion doesn't mean anything to Monster.