I'll Cover You

So far today I have written about 100 e-mails and a trend is developing. My communications today are erratic. I feel like a reckless mad sea captain cackling as he guides his wooden ship straight into the rocks. I warn you. The best thing you can do is try to stay out of my way so you don't get hurt! This old ship is headed for disaster. My mind is jumping around and can't stay on one thought. My attention deficit gift (it's not a disorder) is playing with me.

There has never been a song like the love song Angel and Collins sing in RENT. (How was that for a nice transition? You can sue me for literary whiplash if you like.) I swear to God that song makes me cry almost every single time I hear it. Not just the haunting reprise after Angel dies. No, the duet makes me cry too.

I love the line: "I've longed to discover something as true as this is." I am longing to discover something true. I don't want a boyfriend. I want something true.

Last night I went out for drinks with my straight friend Boy Hunk. Boy Hunk is bound to star in one of my blog entries very soon, because he is the hottest and sweetest boy ever, and I wish he would just be my boyfriend already. I mean my something true. Not my boyfriend.

God, does anyone else hear that singing? I'm going to steer the ship over there and investigate! Oh, keep quiet, you. I know what I'm doing. Those aren't rocks, they're shadows! Listen to that beautiful song...

Anyway, Boy Hunk is 22 and is in a totally different place than I am when it comes to romance. We were at the bar last night talking about our long term relationships. Each of us have only had one very serious relationship and both were pretty long. His was three years but started when he was 17. Mine was seven years and started when I was 29.

Now that Boy Hunk is single, he really wants to stay detached with the girls he is seeing. I am having the opposite feeling. If I don't feel some sort of attachment to a guy, I don't even want to go out with him.

Suddenly it's all about discovering something true. I know where and how to get sex, but I don't want to pursue it. There are some guys I could call if I just wanted to sleep with someone. And I definitely want to sleep with someone, but I'm not interested in casual sex right now. I want to connect. It doesn't have to turn into a relationship, but I want to climb into bed with someone because I want to show them I care about them instead of doing it so they can make me feel good.

After I split with M. I went through a crazy period of trying to sleep with as many guys as I could. For the record, I did an admirable job of surpassing my own expectations. I was always safe, but I was not very discriminating. I snapped out of it after a particularly embarrassing night of sex during which the guy's mother started banging on the bedroom door telling us to be quiet. Um, he was over 40 and lived with his mother because he didn't want to work.

Now I worry that I am being too picky. Not because I am holding out for sex with someone I care about, but because I am not approaching anybody. I feel like I am trying to find something wrong with every guy I see. I've only been single for a year and a few months, so maybe this is just a normal phase.

The point is. I like that song from Rent. A lot.

The old ship crashes into the angry rocks. The sound of shattering wood breaks through the dark night. Waves engulf the mad sea captain as the sirens' song seeks out more hapless victims.