Dear Donald Trump
Dear Mr. Trump:
I am writing to tell you that I think you are incredibly handsome and sexy. I would like to be your boyfriend and we don't have to tell your Hawaiian or Spanish or Italian girlfriend Malana (whatever). I am not just saying this because you could buy me a small country and also, possibly, pay off my student loans.
Okay, I am. Sorry. The real reason I am writing you is to tell you that I think you are an excellent reality television host. "The Apprentice" is some quality television and is the most original thing I have ever seen. A lot of people compare your show with "Survivor", but I think it is totally different. "Survivor" takes place outside, and your show is mostly inside. TOTALLY different from "Survivor". Also, the funny wig you wear on your tv show makes me laugh.
Before I saw the show I did not care for you because I lost so much money at your casino in Atlantic City. But I think the show has been good for your image. You seem like a very nice man and are very grandfatherly. My grandfather used to threaten to beat me with a willow switch if I laid down on his couch, but he never did beat me. You seem like that kind of grandfather. One who makes threats but would never harm his grandchildren except for psychologically.
Last week on "The Apprentice" when you spoke with Heidi about her mother dying of cancer, you really demonstrated great compassion. If your piles of money could cure Heidi's mother, I almost believe you would have given Heidi as much cash as it took. Almost.
I would really like a chance to work for you, and I feel I could be an asset to you in some way. If you knock me out with some heavy drugs I will even sleep with you. But if you decide you only want a business relationship with me, let me tell you about my professional qualities:
1. I am sneaky, Mr. Trump. I work as a technical writer for a large company, but what I really do all day is write my blog and read other people's blogs and correspond with my friends via e-mail. Nobody knows. I am getting away with murder at this company, and I have never been caught. Don't you want a sneaky person working for you? I thought so.
2. But wait, there's more. I am also very flexible. When a friend in college asked me why I was majoring in Psychology, I told him, "Because it's easy, and I'm good at it." He thought that was a stupid reason to major in something, so I changed to Broadcasting because my cute friend Dan was a Broadcast Major, and I wanted to have classes with him. See how flexible I am? Now I have a Broadcasting degree that has afforded me the opportunity to do a job I love! (See #1)
3. I am creative. My cubicle at work is like a fiesta. I have toys everywhere and have decorated it elaborately. It looks like fucking Mardi Gras every day in my cube. And I won't put pictures of my boyfriends up in the cubicle if you feel that is unprofessional. I don't have pictures of any men in my cubicle right now because I am single and nobody wants me. And I still have a picture of the love of my life who broke my heart, but I keep it in my desk drawer so that won't be a problem. M. was an asshole to me, and I carry around a lot of emotional baggage because of it and sometimes I act like the world owes me because I have been hurt so badly, but it won't interfere with my job, I promise. (See #1) Anyway, the point is, I am creative.
I know you are busy, so I will let you go. I know you probably have to take the apprentices to one of your properties and brag about how it is the most beautiful palace in North America or something. I think you're sexy when you boast.
Please let me know if you can hire me. I can start immediately, and I won't have to give notice at my job or anything. I just won't show up or call in. Oh, I do it all the time. It's fine.
Hot (soon to be rich) Toddy