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Monday, February 23, 2004

Party of Five

Apollo celebrated his birthday this weekend with a party attended by the same five people I always encounter at parties. There were at least forty people in attendance, but trust me. It was the same five people.

Let's meet our guests.

Tim is here drinking a low-carb beer, and he's looking very hot and metrosexual. Tim, the straight guy I have a crush on, loves coming to these parties. He enjoys the attention of the gay guys and will be happy to flex his biceps for you. He thinks you're the funniest guy he knows, and you're so much cooler than the other guys at the party. If he ever decided to experiment with the gay thing, you would be his first choice for a night of hot man sex, but he's not going home with you tonight. Or ever. He's only flirting with you because "the gays" are trendy right now. Thanks, Queer Eye!

Tom is sexy and sweet and gay. He's giving you the eye, making lots of physical contact, and he has that look on his face that says, "you're coming home with me." Tom is also in a twelve-year relationship and is desperate for some attention from someone other than his partner. Tom is just glad to get out of the house because if he has to spend one more night sitting at home with his "lover" not having sex, he'll go crazy. Tom, I'm not going home with you. I realize that I am the Special News Bulletin in the television show of your life. It won't be long until you are back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Ted is your friend. He's holding a cosmopolitan and smiling at you. Wow, he smells so good. Ted is tantalizing. He's a tease. And he's trouble. You and Ted are just friends. Your friend Ted knows he wants to be with someone exactly like you. But not you. Ted is your friend, and although he will slide up to you and kiss you provocatively, he is your friend. Why mess that up? Did I mention he is your friend?

Oh my god, TY IS HERE!!! TY! He's a gorgeous twenty-something male model. He's sexy and cute and funny and every other adjective you find on Friendster profiles. Ty's real name is Terrance, but he thinks if he goes by Ty he will get laid more. He does. Any gay man, given a choice between sex with a Terrance or sex with a Ty will choose Ty every time. We like porn star names. Ty is flirting with you because you are the jangling shiny car keys dangling in front of his baby face at the moment. Once he realizes you think he's hot, Ty will start asking you the status of all the other cute guys in the party, because he wants to sleep with all of them. Hey, Ty, my drink needs some more ice. I'll be right back. Just give me three or four hours.

Let's go say hi to Tina. She's so much fun, and she'll be the most interesting conversationalist you encounter all night. Actually, there are 12 Tinas. They are gorgeous and spectacular. The Tinas all want to know why I am still single, and they would totally set me up with one of their gay friends, but none of them are "good enough for me". Tina wishes I were straight. She wants to kiss me, because nothing is hotter than kissing a gay guy. She wants me to help her boyfriend with advice on hair product. She loves my shirt and wants to know if she can see just a little bit of my cock if she gives me some beads. Thanks, Queer Eye!

You go mingle for a bit while go out on the porch for a smoke. I stare up at the stars and my mind travels back to what seems like ages ago. I was on a tour with a brass band, and, I spent some time in Estonia. At that time, the country was being held against its will as part of the Soviet Union. Perhaps you have found yourself in a relationship where you wanted to break up, but other factors prevented you from doing so. Your partner just lost his job, or you have a dog together and couldn't possibly break up his happy home. That's Estonia and the U.S.S.R in the early nineties.

One day I went into a small Estonian gift shop. The exchange rate was definitely to my advantage. I had money to burn, but the problem was there was nothing to buy in this shop. I remember vividly the empty jewelry cases and the ancient leather shoes faded by the sun from sitting in the store window so long. The only other merchandise for sale sat behind the counter on a shelf. There sat about thirty smiling porcelain figurines. Identical dolls wearing pink dresses and holding parasols lined the shelf. In spite of all my money, I could leave the store with either a pair of old leather shoes or one of the shiny doll clones. I chose to leave the store empty-handed.

I went home alone Saturday night, but it was great to see Tim, Tom, Ted and Tina. I never did run into Ty again that night.

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