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Thursday, December 23, 2004

A Belated Birthday Wish

It's time for the Toaster Oven to shut down for the holidays. I will be back on Monday, but if you really need to hear about more antics at CC Slaughters, you can go check out Auburn Pisces. She has a better memory than I do (surprise!) and has taken up the job of reporting the shenanigans I forget to tell you about.

Happy Holidays! And now, without further Ado Annie, an open letter to my blog:

Dear Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven,
I am writing to apologize for missing your birthday. December 1st came and went without even a nod of acknowledgment from me, your creator. I am a terrible person. I really suck. But you already know that.

Every weekday, I open you up, Toaster Oven, and I stick something into you just to see what happens. Sometimes I make a mushy, sappy, sickeningly sweet dessert entry, and somehow you bake it up into something palatable. Other days I throw ridiculous ingredients into you, you know, stuff like popcorn shrimp and malted milk balls. Or pop tarts marinated in whiskey. Then I expect you to somehow make a meal of my random combinations. You help give order to my thoughts, help me deal with attention deficit disorder, and did you ever notice there are no states that begin with the letter "I" except for Illinois, Iowa, and Idaho? And Indiana? And sometimes Iceland.

I love you, Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. First of all, you bring boys to my yard. Thanks to you, I get laid sometimes. I don't know if I would have had a single date this year, had it not been for you. Maybe in the coming months I will try dating someone who doesn't blog or read blogs.

I'm just kidding. I won't do that.

Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven, you have helped me meet some amazing friends this past year. You have also taught me that I am in trouble if I start trying to list them here, because people will publicly berate me in my comments if I forget to mention them. Thanks for all you teach me, HTTO.

I especially enjoy the people you've helped me meet from Ireland and Australia, Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. If you could possibly help me find friends in Sweden or France, I would like to have options for free lodging friends in those countries as well.

I know it is your belated birthday, HTTO, but I need to share something about our relationship that troubles me. Because of you, my friends no longer speak to me at parties. Sometimes I will try to tell a story over drinks and will be interrupted by a friend saying, "I know. I already read your blog about that". Then they turn away from me and seek out a conversation with someone who does not put every detail of his life on the Internet. Do you think we could work together, HTTO, and try to be a little more mysterious in the coming year?

I know! Let's make stuff up! How about if I get ahold of some penis pictures and post them here? I will tell people it's me, even though I've never been photographed that way unless it happened when I was in a drunken stupor and don't remember it.

I know some bloggers make up stories about fake hook-ups and pretend they are real. I should try to convince Toaster Oven readers that I get sex three or four or seven times a week. That would make reading Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven more exciting!

Perhaps I should use you to speak out more on the important issues of the day. I could get political! It could talk about how much I dislike the President, even though that is sort of like saying, "Projectile vomiting is irritating." I mean, everybody knows that fact, so it doesn't seem like there is much point in talking about it.

Oh, what shall I do, Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven? Should I change you? Or should I just let the people I date influence the template of the blog and leave everything else as it is? I promise you, HTTO, one thing will never change. I will never ever turn off the comments feature. I am far too much of an attention whore to do something so foolish.

Happy Birthday, Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. Hope you don't die soon!

Time to check comments.

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