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Monday, December 13, 2004

Sigh of Relief

Last night I went out with The Handsome Prince and his boyfriend, The Math Whiz. The three of us dwell together in our happy little home. Sometimes it is strange living with a couple. I am sort of like Dolly Pelliker. Do you know who that is? It's the character Cher played in the movie Silkwood. Cher lived with Meryl Streep and Kurt Russell. In the movie - not in real life. At least not to my knowledge. Not that Cher or Meryl or Kurt would ever call to tell me if they shacked up together. So I'm guessing. But that's not my point.

My point is, I am Cher. No, that's not right. My point is I live with two gorgeous, smart, funny boys who are in love with each other, which sometimes makes me odd man out. Sometimes I feel jealous when I hear them giggling in the room next to mine. I have envied their relationship and wanted one for myself. But that is changing.

Last night the three Vortex Boys hit a couple bars and had a really great time. I wanted to laugh and be goofy. I needed to blow off steam. I needed a sigh of relief after the way too much drama of the past few weeks. The Handsome Prince helped me to find my happy place again.

As you know, THP often insults me in a way that makes me laugh. I'm sort of a comedy masochist. I love when people make fun of me or tease me. Last night I was very happy to realize that my best friend's penchant for saying completely inappropriate things extends to random strangers as well.

One man we met was very interested in my height. I think he pictured me as a fun toy to have. Like a jungle gym. He was practically climbing up my chest. He was rather short, but he said that he never felt short around his family. "I am the tallest person in my family," said the short guy.

"Are they midgets?" asked The Handsome Prince. I don't know how short guy responded because I immediately ran to get paper and a pen so I could write that exchange down. I should have waited to see how it played out.

Why did I have so much fun last night? I think it is because, as THP observed, I have experienced a change in my heart recently. On Saturday, THP and I had some time together in The Vortex. Our conversation was deeply meaningful to me. He shared some brutally honest words with me, but delivered them in love.

THP actually listed parts of my character that he finds "radiant" or "beautiful", but he admitted that one of my traits keeps me from being the best person I can be. He says he wishes he could take away that one part of me, because it tarnishes me. I did not feel defensive. I knew he was saying these things to help me, and I knew he was hoping with all his heart that I would be receptive.

I was very receptive to him. Something he said really sunk in. I now understand a little more about myself. I understand a lot more about how my friends perceive me. I don't know how he did it, but somehow THP made me understand how much my friends love me. Most of my friends frequently tell me they love me. But I'm not sure I've ever truly realized how much they love me. I think I get it now. My friends think I am the best thing since toaster ovens. They think I walk on water. They think I hung the moon and all those other things people think and sing about in country songs. My life is full and complete.

The Vortex is a magical place. Conversations in that space are often profound. Tears and laughter fill The Vortex. The Vortex welcomes all and encourages free thinking and deep conversations. As I sat under the newly installed Vortex Disco Ball, I started to really understand what people mean when they say I don't need a relationship. I am starting to understand that I am complete and whole. I am enough for myself. If love comes along for me, I will embrace it. But I am truly tired of embracing everyone who crosses my path in the hopes that they are The One.

I listened to THP and tried my hardest to open my mind to the possibility that I could actually become different. That I could change that part of my character. When your best friend tells you what they find unappealing in your character, I think you should listen hard. Best friends are the people who love you unconditionally and will be honest with you when you need to hear the tough words nobody else will say to you.

This weekend, maybe for the first time ever, I got it. I understood. And I went to bed Saturday night and slept the most peaceful sleep I've had in months. I woke up Sunday feeling lighter. I went through my day with a calm and happy feeling of surrender. What will be will be. Last night, THP said he felt a shift in me that was amazing. He said I suddenly seem very "zen" about everything. I'm sure there will be moments very unzen behavior in my future, but I do believe he's right. I think I'm starting to get it.

I think, from now on, instead of wanting to be Meryl Streep sharing her bed with Kurt Russell, I'll just be happy being Cher.

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