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Thursday, December 02, 2004

Last Will and Testament

How can I say this gently? I hope this won't upset you, but we need to talk about the possibility that I will die a tragic death in a fiery plane crash on the way to New York. I don't say this to scare you. I just want you to be prepared for the possibility that I will perish in a terrifying burst of flames and be instantaneously reduced to a pile of ashes.

So, I have drafted my last will and testament and will post it here. I checked with Blogger about the legality of posting a will on the Internet, and the customer service representative, Nick, said, "That's cool, dude." Now, don't be selfish and just scroll down looking for your name to see if I left you anything. I promise, everyone who reads this will get something to remind you of me long after I've been burned to a crisp.

Last Will and Testament of Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven

In the event of my untimely demise, I, Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven, being of sound mind hereby bequeath all my worldy and otherwordly possessions as follows:

To Nick, "Blogger's Hottest Customer Service Representative", I leave my entire collection of porn. Except for the film, Jizz Jocks, which shall be given to The Handsome Prince.

In addition to Jizz Jocks, I also leave my Shania Twain CDs as well as my Sunset Boulevard and Little Shop of Horrors songbooks to The Handsome Prince.

To AuburnPisces, I bequeath all of my manufactured reasons for being late to work so that she may begin adding to her repertoire of excuses.

I hereby bequeath to Crunchy the putty on my desk. He knows why.

Famous Author Rob Byrnes gets nothing. Nothing I tell you. He is a disgrace to me and has slandered me all over the Internet. He may, however, take back one personal item from the Famous Author Rob Byrnes shrine I built in my closet.

Jaden gets all my Orlando Bloom collages and can have the rest of my Bonnie Bell 7-Up Lipsmacker. She also inherits all of my friendship bracelet supplies as long as she agrees not to smoke the hemp.

I leave all of my Patty Griffin CDs to Jeff, because he really appreciates her the way I do.

To Jesse, I leave my collection of Absolutely Fabulous tapes and DVDs. Cheers, Sweetie Darling.

To Juju, I bequeath all of my photographs and the secret notebooks (The Jezebel Diaries) we kept when we were housemates together. Please burn the one where I wrote that one thing about The Handsome Prince.

To Metro, whose blog has not been updated since May (but I'm not judging you), I leave my entire collection of Japanese products and kitsch. The Handsome Prince will thank you for removing them from his home.

To Michael Vernon, I leave all of my whiskey and tobacco products. Kentucky forever!

To Ms. Karma, I leave all the spare change in my car and office desk as well as the five or six bucks in my savings account. I'm sorry the money you gave me when I needed it didn't come back to you ten-fold. But, let's be honest. We both knew that wasn't gonna happen.

To Pua, I leave all my clothing. Maybe she can make scarves out of it or something.

To Pony, I leave any chair of his choosing from The Vortex. He also gets to keep that big chunk of my heart that he stole.

To The Executive, I bequeath all of my readers. According to you, you probably own all of them anyway or at least own a share in their real estate. You are the first and only Yum Yum brother to embark on this blog journey with me and are the only Yum Yum who really understands how much fun it is to blog.

As a reward for listening to my ramblings about love, I hereby leave my entire collection of love letters from old boyfriends to Tuna Girl. She's the only one who would probably be interested in reading them anyway.

In the event of my death, I would like to be cremated (if the fiery airplane crash didn't properly take care of that) and have my ashes divided among all of Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven readers. I insist that Ribeye handle the mailing of said ashes.

If you would like to be Executor of my estate, please contact me via e-mail or comments.

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