If You Don't Know Me By Now...

I stir up a lot of controversy lately. It's weird. I've always been a peacemaker. I try to get along with everybody and genuinely love people. The bartenders at CC Slaughters have started calling me "Jesus" because I will talk to anybody, even if they are a freak. Especially if they are a freak. I hate to see lonely people at the bar. I say hello to people on the elevator at my office. I don't always know them, but I figure that since we work at the same place we ought to at least say hi. The other day I called the county courthouse to inquire about proper procedures for disputing a parking ticket. Ms. Karma overheard the call and said, "You were awfully nice to them considering they are screwing you over." I just responded that the person who answered my call had nothing to do with the person who wrote my ticket, so I didn't see the point of being angry with them.

YET...

No matter what I write lately, it seems to be pissing people off. Okay, like, three people. But I hate pissing off three people. My goal before I die is to have every single person in the entire world like me. I want to be the first man in the history of the world to have no enemies. I'll bet I can do it. As long as I write things like this:

Today was a great day. For me, I mean. Not for everybody. I mean, I know there are some people in the world who have problems, and I don't mean to seem apathetic about what they are going through. But for me, personally, it was a good day. I heard from a couple friends via e-mail and had lunch with another great friend.

I know I didn't call the friends who e-mailed me "great friends" but it doesn't mean that they are less of a friend than the one I had lunch with. I like everybody the exact same amount.

If you didn't have lunch with me today or hear from me today, it doesn't mean that my day wouldn't have been even better if you had been part of it. Quite the opposite!! I would have loved to spend time with you, but it just so happened that I spent time with a different friend.

Oh, and if you are the different friend I actually did spend time with, I'm not trying to say that I wish I could have spent time with the other friend whose feelings are hurt because I spent time with you.

Anyway, I was really excited to be asked out on a date recently. I know that I may be coming off as incredibly narcissistic right now for writing about having a date. It might make me sound like I think I'm so awesome or that I'm bragging about how everybody thinks I'm hot and wants to sleep with me. But I really just like going out on dates. Every date I ever go on is perfect, and every guy I have ever dated is perfect. I love everyone and everything, unless you hate them, in which case I agree with you.

I haven't had much time to read blogs (I did read yours, of course) lately because my job is so busy. Sorry to talk about myself so much. I am sure your job is busy too, and I am sorry it is so busy for you. And it is my fault. I will try harder to support you.

The blogs I have read are all funny and touching and controversial and thought-provoking, and, yes, I like your blog the best. It is way better than mine, and I am sorry I act like I think my writing is so great, because it is so obviously just my desperate attempt to get attention any way I can. In real life, nobody will ever talk to me so I have created this virtual world, and I pretend it is real.

I had the craziest experience in the grocery store yesterday, but it involved a lady buying tomatoes and two cashiers. Since I did not obtain their permission to write about what happened, I'm going to have to let it go. But it was funny, and nobody was harmed, and nothing racist was said or implied, and no animals were harmed during the incident with the tomato lady and the cashiers. But it sure was funny.

Anyway. I guess I can safely tell you about things that happened when I was alone, right? As long as it doesn't involve anybody else, nobody can be upset with me.

This morning I put on my shoes while I sat on my bed. Then I got up and drank coffee (sorry, Mormons!) and had a protein shake. Yes, yes, I know that there are people starving all over the world, and I am a selfish American protein shake drinker. But don't worry, I realized my selfishness and threw up the shake right away. And then cleaned up the mess myself using environmentally friendly cleaning products.

Thank you for taking the time to read today, and I'm sorry if this entry was too long or too short. Or if it was too medium length. Anyway, if I have upset you today, I am sure that you are right and I'm wrong and that if I would just let you express your opinion more through my writing, everything would be fine. So, if you are mad, please comment for all to see. Although there is an e-mail link at the bottom of this blog, (appropriately located under the 'Dear Hot Toddy, You Suck' picture), if you are upset with me, I think you should comment about it. That way everyone will know that I am a jerk and you are an innocent victim of my unwarranted malicious hatred towards you.

Proud to be your whipping boy,
Hot Toddy