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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Tuesday, April 12, 2005


Toddy, just write something. Anything. Stop worrying about who reads it or what they say behind your back. Stop fretting about the reactions of others. Quit avoiding this blog and worrying that you will upset someone. Because you're going to upset them whether you try to or not.....

Okay, I'm back. I got my shirt caught in the rumor mill a few days ago and found myself dangling several hundred feet in the air contemplating my escape. Unfortunately, I've discovered how vicious people can be. Someone shared information with me about things that were being said behind my back, so I needed some quiet time to regroup. I held a committee meeting in my head with all the voices, and I think I've reintegrated my multiple personalities now.

I doubt there is anyone in the world who hasn't experienced the act of betrayal. But that doesn't make dealing with it any easier. A few people I thought were my friends, really aren't. It would still hurt if just one "friend" secretly disliked me. But I learned that there is actually a secret coven of Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven haters. I can move past it, and I will. Over the past several months, I've started some new e-mail correspondences with people I respect, and now I will have more time to cultivate those friendships instead of wasting time on false people.

Readers of HTTO have expressed various opinions regarding my need to write about my private life. Some believe I should keep revealing my thoughts without censoring. Others say I need to keep things to myself. Some are too foolish to realize that there are many things I keep to myself, and that when you read a blog entry you are reading a portion of the whole story.

So, here is a portion of a story about a new person in my life. I am experiencing a new friendship that frightens me. I met a man who seems to want to give me everything I've ever asked for. I feel spoiled when I spend time with him. I am overwhelmed by affection and am treated like a prince. I feel as if I could snap my fingers and receive anything my heart desires.

This weekend, I pushed him away. I didn't call him. I avoided anyplace where I might run into him. And then, last night, there he was. The look in his eyes wasn't what I expected. I anticipated bitterness. Anger. Resentment. All the things I've been experiencing from the secret coven of haters. Instead, he asked me if I felt better after having time to myself. He said that he hoped I was back to my old self. He put his arms around me and drew me close, and I felt safe. I felt nothing but warmth. And the best part is that a little part of my heart melted, and I began to trust this man.

Lately, I've started saying, "We'll see..." whenever I encounter new friendships. Instead of saying, "I hope this works out," I choose to keep things tentative. That's new for me. I know there are those who say I can't change, but I think I can. I have changed many times before. This blog is a record of my growth and change.

Hot Toddy Lovers & Hot Toddy Haters: Sometimes I will let you down with my words. Sometimes you'll disagree wholeheartedly with what I have to say. You'll read a joke about how much Maker's Mark I drink, and you'll decide I'm an alcoholic. I will write about my disappointment in love, and you will say that I am writing to hurt or attack the person who disappointed me. Think what you will. I'm trying to be the best person I can be. Like everyone, I fail sometimes, but nobody can say I'm not trying.

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