Dear New Neighbors:
I would like to apologize for the inconvenience that has descended upon you, namely Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. I know that it hasn't been easy having me for a neighbor since I moved in earlier this month. You'll adjust. Remember when we began to see increased airport security a few years ago? At first it was pretty irritating, but most of us have adjusted to the new screening methods. Some things, like airport security or having me for a neighbor, just take some getting used to.
To the cool lesbian who lives below my unit, I am sorry that my boyfriend and I woke you up when we came home at 3:00 in the morning a couple weeks ago. True, we should have thought to remove our cowboy boots before walking on the hardwood floor above your head. Actually, to you it is a ceiling above your head, not a hardwood floor, but you get my drift. I'm sorry. And last night when I ran into you at Crush, you were very nice and, I might add, happy to see that I was wearing rubber-soled sandals.
To the neighbor who let me in when I locked myself out my first night there, I am sorry that you were inconvenienced. However, I still don't know anybody else's last name in the entire building, so don't be surprised if I have to bug you again soon.
Finally, to the resident next to the stairwell, I am sorry I entered your apartment yesterday with my bag of garbage. I thought I was in the stairwell. Honest. It wasn't until I saw your furniture and computer that I realized I had passed the door to the stairwell and brought a bag of trash into your home.
Also, I am sorry that I ran before you could find out who was in your apartment. I am sorry that I tried to cover my tracks by taking the stairs to the second floor and then jumping on the elevator so you'd lose my trail. I have watched a lot of Alias, so I know how to make quick getaways. You have to forgive me for using my extensive secret agent knowledge against you.
So, residents of the Toaster Oven lofts, I am sorry for all of you. Please be patient as I attempt to adjust to this new urban lifestyle. And please keep your doors locked if you don't want me wandering in and out of your homes.