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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Monday in Two Acts

Act One - Monday Morning
Woke up - made some coffee - showered - got ready for work - drank some coffee - checked the weather - took out the trash - so busy! - drove to work - got to the office early - returned phone calls - checked e-mail - scheduled training - updated database - took a break - checked mail - answered e-mails - returned another phone call - so busy! - wrote to a friend - researched IT classes - spoke to a vendor - took lunch - researched more IT training - spoke to a vendor - took a break - had a meeting - left office - drove home - took a walk in the park - so busy! - went to see a friend - played cards - drank beer - played more cards - said goodbye - drove home - take the elevator up to my loft - open the door - step inside.

Act Two - Monday Evening
I am alone. My apartment is empty. Quiet. Outside on my balcony, I can hear the fountain that Thor made for me. The soothing sound of trickling water. The night is calm and cool.

I look at a picture of Thor and me wearing cowboy hats. We're laughing in that one. (Oh, to hear him laugh right now.)

I contemplate the word "PATIENCE" etched onto a rock I keep on my nightstand. "I'm trying," I whisper to nobody.

I look at my phone, wishing he'd call.

My loft is devoid of energy. Almost as if nobody lives here. It is a museum after closing hours, and the silence is suffocating me.

The water keeps trickling, but the sound is no longer soothing. It has become monotonous. Nothing moves - not even time.

Waiting to hear his voice, afraid to miss his call, I carry the phone with me everywhere. Into the bedroom, into the bathroom, into the kitchen, out onto the balcony. I look at the sky. I wait.

I can't listen to the water anymore. I can't think anymore. I can't miss him anymore. The night is over. Nobody calls at this hour. Friends who are not lonely have gone to bed. The world is ready for tomorrow, but not me. If I end this day, I admit that today was a day without any word from him.

Giving up, I sink into my bed and will myself to sleep. I attempt to rush the process, wanting to be released from yearning and depression. Tomorrow I can be busy again, and I'll try not to think.

3 comments:

Amber Steenbock said...

Dear Hot Toddy,

I know how horrible this is, only right now, I am desperately trying -not- to call somebody. Mr. X., the restraining order guy. I still have this desperate urge to call him at night, but I can't, or he would undo everything again. and I still cry myself to sleep most nights. Not to mention the craving physical contact part, which I'm not sure I will ever get again, and have no successful way to "help myself out." It sucks major ass.

I know it's different from your pain, but I just wanted to let you know that you have my love, sympathy, and empathy.

And I have possibly a small solution for you. I am also a night owl, with pretty hard-core insomnia. I have to have my phone in the bed next to me, in case I have to call for some sort of help. I don't even go to bed until 1 a.m. usually. If you e-mail me your phone number, I will send you mine, and I will be glad to talk to you on lonely evenings and/or nights.people say I'm a good listener.

I know it's a poor substitute for your dear Thor, but maybe it'll help a little. I really want to be considered your friend.

Love and light,
Amber

Anonymous said...

Well I am Mr. X and I could really use a call from my X because while I may have said mean things it must be understood that there have been factors during these times that I have never explained. I have been taken off a prescription drug that I have been on during our entire relationship because it was found that while taking it in combination with Depakote (seizure drug) and steroids inhalation steroid for asthma) extreme mood swings,aggresion and irritability insue. My doctor said that I was malnutritioned (because of poor diet related to the prescription of additional amphetamine for treatment of problems related ot my brain cancer diagnosis in 92 and subsequent triple craniotomies). I accept full responsability for my harsh words but now that i am off of the drugs i can honestly say that these were major factors in my personality causing issues and i am X tremely sorry. Although I am married now I still love you Amber Steenbock and you are the most important person I have ever lost. Even more than my losing my Dad and Mom.

Anonymous said...

EDITED VERSION WITH SPELLING AND GRAMMATICAL FIXES.

Ver..02

Well I am Mr. X and I could really use a call from my X because while I may have said mean things it must be understood that there have been factors during those times that I was frustrated and mean that I have never explained. I have been taken off a the few prescription drugs that I had been taking during our entire relationship because of psychiatric complications. It was found by my doctor that while taking Amphetamine and Steroids (inhalation steroid for asthma) extreme mood swings,aggresion and irritability insue. My doctor said that I was malnutritioned in addition to this weird combo and probably have been for 6 years because of suppression of appetite related to the prescription of amphetamine for treatment of problems related to my brain cancer diagnosis in '92 and subsequent triple craniotomies. I accept full responsability for my harsh words that rattle around my head still as I remember your cries along with our tenderness. but now that I am off of the drugs that I had no idea were a problem I can honestly say that these were major factors in my personality crisis of 2003-2005. I am extremely sorry. Although I am married now I still love you Amber Steenbock and you are the most important person I have ever lost. Even more than my Mom and Dad and only you Amber would understand this because for 3 years we loved so tenderly it hurt and you know the story of my poor Mom and Dad. I miss you with every inch of my heart and I cry still wanting you. I can never be your lover again but I can be your friend. Your Friend, Robert