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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Open Letter to Pride Guy #2

Dear Volkswagen,

You have been a recurring character at Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven since last fall when I spoke to you for the first time. You've confused the hell out of me for several months. At Pride you told me that you are moving away this week. Looks like our bizarre story may be coming to a close.

We met while I was still with Thor...

September 9, 2005
All of a sudden, I saw him. The guy in the Superman shirt. He wasn't actually wearing the Superman shirt at the time, but I recognized him from a bout of lust I experienced several months earlier when he had the big S on his chest and his arms begged to be groped. He is muscular and has Mario Lopez dimples. His arms are round and bulging, and his chest is firm. He is built sort of like a Volkswagen.

After we spoke for a few moments, the VW began touching me. Lightly at first, and then rubbing my back, and then reaching for more personal areas. The VW quickly figured out that I have a thing for biceps. Maybe it is because I kept glancing at his biteable arms. As I told VW about my boyfriend, he flexed for me and let me feel his rock-hard muscles. I muttered to myself, "Thor, Thor, Thor, Thor, Thor...", but I kept squeezing those smooth tan arms. He opened his shirt and I felt his chest. I knew I was going to be in trouble if I kept this up.

Well, I turned you down that night. I wonder what I would have done if I'd known what would eventually happen between Thor and me. Probably still said no, because I loved him so much it made my heart ache.

I was invited to the VW's home for a private viewing of his assets. I declined. He moved toward me to kiss me. I turned my head away. A friend remarked that I was sweating heavily. Auburn Pisces mouthed the words, "Do you need rescuing?" I shook my head.

In spite of the fact that I had a boyfriend, I thought about your big arms a lot and wondered what it would be like to wake up with those enormous pythons next to me in bed.

VW wasn't discouraged by my talking about Thor. He continued with his attentions even after I showed him a picture on my cell phone of Thor and I kissing. "So, you can just call me Thor," he said.

"I'm in love with the man, not the name," I answered.

After Thor told me he no longer wanted me to call him, I found myself unable to move on, even though I still thought about what it would be like to sleep with you. You continued asking me to sleep over, but by then I had learned so much more about you. Like the fact that you practically go door-to-door asking guys to hook up with you. Once I learn that I'm not "special", I kind of lose interest. So I declined your offers of intimacy several more times.

November 30, 2005
I'm trying. Really, I am. I don't want to sit around and mope. I don't want to hurt anymore. I agreed to go on a date with a certain Volkswagen. Actually, he invited me to sleep with him, but I insisted on dinner and a movie.

One night, you extended another invitation to your bed. You caught me after a few too many buckets of Makers Mark, and I said that I would go home with you. You seemed so surprised. So we finished our drinks, and when I said I was ready to go, you decided you were too tired. This was incredibly strange to me. The only explanation I could come up with was that you just wanted to experience the thrill of the hunt, but you are more of a "catch and release" kind of guy.

This weekend at Pride, you popped into CC Slaughters just moments before I met the Airborne Ranger. You're lucky you showed up when you did. Had you arrived a few minutes later, I would have been too busy climbing on top of my military man to even notice you.

"I'm moving to Washington," you told me.

"When?" I asked.

"This Thursday. So I think we should go back to my place and have sex RIGHT NOW," you replied charmingly.

I changed the subject by asking if you were moving for work. "Yes," you replied. Then I let you know I wouldn't be going home with you, and we parted ways. I guess my instincts are getting better, because yesterday my friends asked you why you were moving, and you said it was to be with your boyfriend of several months. Funny how that didn't come up when you were inviting me over for wild sex.

Volkswagen, I may lick my lips when I think of your biceps, but I shall always roll my eyes when I think of your character.

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