Lithuania, here I come

After watching The Amazing Race last night, I have decided I want to go to Lithuania. I know almost nothing about the country, so I am going to have to check Wikipedia right away. Still, it looked beautiful and charming.

Great. One more country to add to my ever-growing list of travel destinations. Someday I want to return to Scandinavia. I fell in love with Sweden, but I only got to spend one day in Oslo, Norway. Since I'm Norwegian, I figure I should go back and spend a week or more in my "homeland". (Yes, I've seen the Mastercard commercial where the poor old man spends all that time in Norway only to discover he's actually Swedish!)

Someday I hope to see Australia. And I still haven't seen any of the UK!

My time in Paris, France was wonderful. I studied at La Sorbonne for a summer in college, and I really would love to go back and see more of France.

I would love to see Fiji someday too. Also, another trip to Africa would be great. I went to Kenya and filmed documentaries for a film crew years ago (I was a broadcast communications major in college) but I didn't see any other countries in Africa. I would love to visit South Africa someday.

For now, I guess I will just walk 2 miles to work in Portland, Oregon and call it a day.

My Somewhat Exaggerated Reaction to Tokyo, Japan in January 2006

World AIDS Day 2007

Tonight I am heading to a celebration of light and life as the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence raise funds for SMYRC at CC Slaughters.

Today is a chance to reflect on those we have lost and to look hopefully into the future towards the day when AIDS becomes history.

amfAR
UNICEF World Aids Day concert

Church Giggles

Blessed are those who were not subject to a childhood in the church, for they shall be relatively free of guilt and less likely to become a doormat. But for those of us who grew up going to church, we have experienced a bliss very few come to know. We have experienced church giggles.

The act of suppressing your laughter in church is exhausting and exhilarating. It is one of the best ab workouts around. Church giggles usually begin innocently enough. They can be set off by your best friend's growling stomach. By the way, I'm talking about your best friend at church - not your real best friend. Your real best friend didn't go to church and he always got you into so much trouble at school and gave you your first joint and taught you how to get drunk, like that didn't come naturally, and then you ended up sleeping together and it just got weird.

Anyway - back to church...

So maybe your best friend's stomach is growling during the sermon, or maybe the preacher says something about how Jesus loved his Peter so much, and you just start giggling. You stifle it, but that only makes the laughter harder to suppress. Your shoulders shake, and you can feel the whole pew vibrating. People start to glance over at you. At that point they start glaring, or worse, they smile and that makes you want to laugh even more.

Usually church giggles are shared by two or more people. It is harder to get the church giggles by yourself because the contagiousness is intrinsic to what makes church giggles so funny. Knowing that your friend is hurting from stifling laughter makes you want to laugh. You can try coughing to release some of the pressure building up inside of you, but I would advise against that. Coughing may actually be too much of a release and can easily become a full on laughing fit. At that point your only option will be to fake a terrible coughing fit and run out of the sanctuary, causing a big scene and insuring a scolding by your mother after church.

I don't miss the hours of sermons I sat through growing up, but I sure do miss church giggles.

Simple 45 Step Sweet Potato Pie

During this joyful season of thanking and giving and eating and not going to work and having more time to watch porn, I like to share a traditional Thanksgiving recipe with my readers. So please enjoy, once again, this simple recipe for Sweet Potato Pie (only 45 steps!)

Happy Thanksgiving one and all (except for you, fucker) and God Bless Us Everyone!!

Today I have a special treat for you. I have decided to share my recipe for Sweet Potato Pie with all the loyal readers of Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. This recipe has been guarded by my family for generations. My great-grandmother was killed by the Nazis or Hutus or something, because she refused to share the recipe. I took a solemn vow when I was three years old that I would never share this secret recipe. But my mother pissed me off when she informed me that the Donny & Marie albums I had stored in her attic were lost in the fire that destroyed my parents' home yesterday. Because of her failure to climb into the burning attic and retrieve my albums, I have decided to put this recipe on the Internet. May this tasty treat remind you of the importance of family and unconditional love for others throughout the year. Not just at Thanksgiving or Arbor Day.

Ingredients
2 cups cooked, mashed sweet potatoes
1 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
1/3 cup butter, softened
2 eggs
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup half-and-half or evaporated milk
3 tablespoons sugar
1 unbaked 9-inch deep dish or 10-inch regular pie shell

1. Preheat oven to 400°F.
2. Run to the store for all the ingredients.
3. Remove burnt leftover pizza from oven.
4. Open all the windows in your house and clear the smoke.
5. Have a quick nip of whiskey to calm your nerves.
6. Head back to the store for the sweet potatoes you forgot.
7. Before you get to the store go back home and turn off the oven.
8. Go to the store and buy candles and licorice.
9. Turn around on your way home and go back to the store for sweet potatoes.
10. Return home and have some more whiskey.
11. Combine sweet potatoes, brown sugar, butter, beaten egg yolks, ginger, cinnamon, cumin (out of nutmeg) and salt in a mixing bowl.
12. Remove sweet potatoes from the mixture and boil them.
13. Put sweet potatoes back in the bowl and beat until light and fluffy or until your hand gets tired.
14. Put on Annie Lennox album and play "The Saddest Song I've Got".
15. Put the song on repeat, cry, and drink more whiskey.
16. Go look at pictures of your ex and remember that Thanksgiving at the coast.
17. Drink some more whiskey.
18. Drunk dial your ex and cuss him out.
19. Add half-and-half to the lumpy mixture.
20. Beat egg whites with electric mixer.
21. Attach stainless steel beaters to electric mixer and continue beating egg whites.
22. That works better now.
23. Call your ex and apologize and invite him over for Thanksgiving.
24. Cry and drink whiskey and wonder why he had to be so terse on the phone.
25. Add sugar, one tablespoon at a time, and beat until stiff peaks form.
26. Look at the stiff peaks.
27. Go watch porn.
28. Wash hands.
29. Gently fold egg whites into the sweet potato mixture.
30. Run to the store and get pie shell.
31. Pour filling into an unbaked pie shell, and put the pie in the oven.
32. Go watch porn.
33. Drink some whiskey.
34. Check on the pie and turn the oven on.
35. Bake at 400°F for 10 minutes.
36. 45 minutes later, smell burning pie and remove pie from oven.
37. Drink vodka after whiskey runs out.
38. Call mom and scold her about the Donny & Marie albums.
39. Ignore her complaints about spending Thanksgiving at The Salvation Army shelter.
40. Wish mom a Happy Thanksgiving and ask if she can send a couple hundred dollars.
41. Take a bite of the pie and throw it out.
42. Finish the vodka and go to bed.
43. Wake up at 3 a.m. and jot down an idea for a blog entry.
44. Watch porn.
45. Turn off oven and go back to bed.

Europe United

So many cute boys in the world, so little time!

Thanks for sharing this link with me, Thomas!

I'm fine...

If you are involved in a car accident, it is important when telling your friends and family to begin with the words, "I am fine..."

I am fine, but I did have an accident last night. I got lost (surprise!) in a strange neighborhood and had an "encounter" with a car in the intersection. Neither of us had a stop sign. It was dark and rainy. I tried to stop but my truck skidded right into the other guy's passenger side.

The important thing is that nobody was hurt. We exchanged insurance information and assessed our damages. His car was in much worse shape than my truck.

The accident also helped me come to an important realization. I have been single for too long. How did this wreck bring about this startling revelation? I actually felt disappointment when the guy I hit said, "Hang on a second. Let me call my girlfriend."

It could have been such a romantic story. Except that instead of riding in on a white horse and sweeping him off his feet I would drive my white truck into his car and push him off the road.

Status Update

Todd is....

Why is it so important in today's world to update your friends on your whereabouts? Between the blog, the podcast, Facebook and MySpace, it takes about 3 hours to check in with everyone. Add e-mail to the mix, and you have almost a full time job.

That's why so many of us love technology-free vacations, right?

Todd is doing laundry today.
Todd is drinking some coffee.
Todd is turning off the computer now.

Todd & Pony Podcast

It's not that I don't have lots of stuff going on. It's just that I am saving some of my best stories for an upcoming Todd & Pony Show.

On the last show we did America's Next Top Podcaster. Julie and Michael joined us and were excellent in portraying Tyra, Twiggy, Janice Dickinson, Nigel Barker and Miss Jay Alexander.

America's Next Top Podcaster

Why I love CC Slaughters

I don't really like to talk about my feelings with my friends Brian and Mike. Sometimes words are unnecessary.

Monica Zetterlund - Visa från Utanmyra

I've been to IKEA twice this week, so I'm in a Stockholm state of mind. Since I'm swedening up my place today, I thought I'd tell you a little about a Swedish singer I love.

Monica Zetterlund was one of Sweden's finest singers. I first heard her voice when I was having dinner at my friend Ingrid's house. She was playing Monica's newest album at the time, and I was haunted by her beautiful voice and the lush arrangements on the album.

The next time my friend Ingrid went home to Sweden, she brought me back a copy of the album, Varsamt.

Shortly after that I began studying Swedish. I love the language, although I have not studied it for a few years.

Every Saturday morning when I lived in Washington DC, I would hop on the Metro to Falls Church to Svenska Skolan (The Swedish School). I have such wonderful memories of that time in my life.

Monica Zetterlund died in a fire in her apartment in 2005. She is missed by many who loved her music and her beautiful face.

I hope you enjoy her!

Wires and Dreams

The answer to yesterday's "Educate the Idiot" contest was picture wire. Who knew?
Thank you Jess (and Pony too, who actually came over to my house to analyze the problem).

Last night I had a dream that I was competing in American Idol. I was one of the final three. My competition was Danielle, winner of America's Next Top Model cycle 6 and Amy Beers from summer camp when I was 14.

Danielle and I shared a touching moment where we hugged and cried and I told her what an honor it was to compete against her. I knew I would win though, because she admitted on America's Next Top Model that she really couldn't sing.

I was also very excited to find out I was going to film a special segment with Martha Stewart. She was going to teach me how to sail a boat.

Unfortunately, the alarm went off, and I had to get up for work, so I will never see what happened with the Martha Stewart segment. But I am pretty sure I beat Danielle and Amy Beers from summer camp and became the next American Idol.

Picture Hanging

I think one of the hardest tasks in the world is hanging pictures. I don't understand how to do it.

On the back of a frame I was hanging yesterday are two small triangles. Apparently you are supposed to align those triangles with the nails on the wall. However, you can't see the triangles, or even reach them, when you are holding up the picture to figure out where to hammer in the nails.

I sort of managed to hang my autographed headshot of Alison Arngrim (Nellie Oleson on Little House on the Prairie), but it seems like there must be an easier way than just a blind trial and error method.

I am at a loss as to how to hang pictures. That is why my walls have been bare for over a year.

And don't even get me started on shelves. I want to hang some wall shelves but I am terrified of the process.

I am happy being single, but at times like this it sure would be nice to have a handy boyfriend!

Happy Halloween

Thank you so much for all the kind comments and e-mails! You all are the best.

The Todd & Pony Halloween show is up now! Julie joined us and told us all about some haunted places in Portland. We got a call from a celebrity. And then I conducted a scary seance.

You can listen at the website or you can subscribe through iTunes and listen on your MP3 player.

If you would like to attend the podcast in person, we are selling tickets for $300. You can come to the Pony Palace and sit on the couch in our studios and watch us record the show live.

I have not told Pony about the $300 thing yet, but I think he will be all for it.

Today we're recording the show for next week. I am so excited for the show, which will come out on Friday, and I think you will love it too. More about that later.

Again, thanks for supporting me and encouraging me last week!

My best friend is gone...

My best friend, Bonkers, died yesterday. He was an amazing being. So much love and so much joy packed into a tiny furry little body.

Patty Griffin - RAIN

Sometimes the hurt is so deep, deep, deep
You think that you're going to drown,
Sometimes all I can do is weep, weep, weep
With all this rain fallin' down.

Strange how hard it rains now,
Rows and rows of big dark clouds,
But I'm holdin' on underneath this shroud,
Rain, Rain, Rain...

It's never rained like it has tonight before...

I loved you so much, Bonkers. The way you did a little tap dance in the kitchen when I put your food into the bowl. When we went on our two-hour walks on Saturday mornings, man you were psyched. You loved it!

I will never forget the night you had your teeth pulled. The vet overestimated your strength, and he pulled over a dozen teeth in one day. You were hurting so badly. You slept in my arms and when I woke up in the morning I saw your blood on my sleeves, and I knew your night was miserable. I cried for you. If I could have taken away your pain that night I surely would have. But I am thankful that I had the chance to hold your little warm body close that night.

Yesterday, your pain was horrible, so it was time to let you go. I didn't want to say goodbye, but I could not bear your suffering, so you were released into eternity. I hope that you are free of pain and suffering now.

Bonkers, you taught me to be happy and enjoy life. You celebrated life, and you made me smile and laugh more times than I can count.

The world is very dark today, since you are gone. Thank you for showing me the way of joy and light. You were an amazing being. I love you and always, will.

You are my baby.
Love,
Toddy

Gay Wizards and Waffle House

Of course Dumbledore is gay.

Anyone with gaydar could have told you that.

Oh, and Kid Rock was arrested after he fought with someone at a Waffle House. I think that if I am ever arrested I would want it to happen at a Waffle House. How perfect.

Or a K-mart. Yes I definitely want to be arrested at either Waffle House or K-mart.

Stay tuned to Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven for the most important news stories of the day. If it has to do with wizards or waffles, I'm all over it.

You're still in the running...

Several lovely bloggers stand before me. But only a few of you can remain on my blogroll to the right. I had to make some cuts. A few bloggers have gone away. Bloggers sometimes kill their own blogs (murderers), so I had to delete a few inactive links.

The good news is that some of my links just needed to be updated because blogs moved. So to those still in my blogroll, congratulations. You are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Blogger.

Computer Trouble

I am finally learning how to post videos to my blog. It was incredibly easy. What was I so afraid of?

French and Saunders make me laugh. I adore them. Enjoy!

2 Cakes and a Kiss

On Sunday night The Handsome Prince made a pineapple upside down cake for my birthday. He also cooked up some short ribs that would have made Paula Dean jealous. Delicious!

On Monday night I was at CC Slaughters for Pub Quiz, and Tim the Toddtender brought out a birthday cake with candles. Everyone at the bar sang to me, and I made a wish that came true the very same night. What an amazing kiss...

The only down side was that I had to wear a tiara. But if The Toddtender says I have to wear a tiara, I'll do it. In fact, give me the scepter and ermine cape while you're at it. He followed my instructions and bought me a wonderful scented candle for my birthday, which is exactly what I asked for.

Pony gave me a magical card that grants me free merchandise from IKEA. Tack so mycket, Pony! Let's go shopping!

Juju and Metro, the happy newlyweds, gave me a ticket to a dance performance, but I don't remember the name of the show because I only got to hold the ticket for a couple seconds before Juju snatched it back and said, "I'll hold onto this until the show so you don't lose it." She knows me too well.

9:43 p.m.

Do we have to rush this whole turning 41 thing? I mean, I wasn't even born until 9:43 p.m. that October evening in Kansas City, Missouri. The years seem to be going by faster! Something must be done about it. Perhaps if I reflect on birthdays past, I can forget about the one I'm facing today....

My best birthday party ever was when I was 5. My parents bought me my very own kiddie slide projector, and I had a robot cake, and my cousin Denise was at my party. Denise was at least 10 years older than me, and she was so cool. She had long hair like Marcia Brady, and she wore hippie clothes.

Once when I was in grade school my birthday fell on Columbus day (just like this year) and we go the day off from school! That almost never happened.

I don't know what it was about turning 20, but I remember crying quietly in my dorm room the morning of my 20th as my roommate slept. There was something so sad and dreadful about not being in my teens anymore. So dramatic and silly. I wish I could tell my 20-year-old self, "Dude, you have no idea what's ahead. Please relax and chill out. And just wait till your 36th. Life will give you something to cry about!"

For my 30th, my friends threw me a big surprise party with a yellow brick road and Wizard of Oz cutouts. This was the year I went on the Planet Hollywood/Greyhound Bus lines Wizard of Oz tour. I have never been as surprised as I was that year.

My worst birthday was when CT and I ended our 7 year relationship. That was the big 36. We were about to go to dinner when an honest conversation happened in the kitchen. So instead of having a birthday dinner, we just broke up. Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven was started a few months later. I hoped blogging would help me deal with the pain. (That's a lie. I was hoping I'd meet guys.)

Juju threw a great party for me in 2003, but what I will always remember is the birthday present she gave me that year. Juju got ahold of my address book and contacted friends from my past and present, asking them to contribute to a book she was creating. She compiled wonderful e-mails, pictures and letters from friends into a book and presented it to me at the party.

The front page of the books says:

Toddy,
This book is for you.
These words are about you, from people who love you...You are so well loved.

Every year on my birthday I like to start my day by reading some of those wonderful words from people who love me. Here is something my friend Kathy (from my college "Mad Sheep" days) put in that book that I read this morning...

Congratulations on reaching another birthday milestone. I find if I measure my life by the friends I have rather than the years I'm clocking, I can be overwhelmed by joy instead of grief!

Wow. It really does go fast. I don't know if I really understood how fast time goes until I hit 40. But Kathy really helps me to put it in perspective. Why measure the years? I want to measure my life by my relationships.

Tonight at 9:43 I will take a moment to say thanks for my friends. The people I've loved and hugged and kissed. The friends who have made me laugh. The friends who let me cry. My life is very full of joy, and I am so thankful.

Brothers and Sisters

Last night our Pub Quiz team won the first quiz at CC Slaughters. We were The Streeps, and the theme of the night was Saturday Night Live. We split the pot. (Money, not weed.)

The best part was that we each got a copy of Brothers and Sisters, season one, on DVD. I have wanted to see this show since it started but haven't had the chance. Now I can watch the whole season. I just love doing that - watching an entire season over a weekend and having no commercial interruptions. This will be fun!

Pub Quiz is a fun game and goes way beyond just standard trivia. It creates great interaction with friends and turns a night at the bar into more than just drinking and casual chatting. You get to know people better. Who new that my friend Matty had so much knowledge about SNL?! And Tiara Desmond is one of the smartest people I know, because all our answers matched. The Toddtender seemed to excel at questions involving fashion, sex or drugs. And while I knew random stuff like questions involving Yiddish or Gwyneth Paltrow, I failed miserably at identifying my own birthstone. I was sure the October birthstone was pink (rose) quartz. Thankfully, Matty stuck to his guns and wrote the correct answer - opal.

Speaking of birthstones - in less than one week I will be 41. If you don't believe me I'll show you my driver's license!

Hot Toddy at 40