Don't Call Me Sweet

It seems I have inherited my mother's temperament. When I was growing up, she would often complain to me that she got tired of being called "sweet". Everybody always said she was such a sweet person, and it made her wish she could be just a little bit bitchier, I think. Now, years later, I am frequently labeled with the same description. I'm sweet.

"Oh, Toddy," my friends will say, "you are so sweet."

Hearing things like "Hot Toddy is just the sweetest guy," or "what a teddy bear," is just old hat to me.

But I can be bad. Very bad. And I want everyone to know it. Being with Thor has shown me just how evil and rotten I really am, because he, as it turns out, is nicer than I am. Truly, he is the sweet one.

On our refrigerator at home, there is a picture of a group of my friends standing around at a party singing "Seasons of Love" from the musical Rent. I probably do not need to clarify the men in the picture are gay, but, with the exception of Metro, all of us are.

I placed a magnet right in the middle of the picture in order to hold it on the fridge. The magnet completely covers The Math Whiz, who is standing in the center of our group. Nearly every day, The Math Whiz indicates his displeasure at being covered up by a magnet. "It is the only way I can keep it on the fridge. The magnet has to be in the middle. You should have stood somewhere else at the party," I answer.

The Math Whiz and I like to play these games. I treat him horribly, and he begs for my friendship. Now that he works with me at Company X, he asks that I greet him publicly, in front of our coworkers, which I refuse to do. But covering his picture with a magnet is still my favorite game. Thor asked about this the other night while The Math Whiz was with us in the kitchen. "Why do you have this magnet on top of The Math Whiz?"

"I have to hold the picture to the fridge. It is unfortunate that The Math Whiz stood in the center, but that's just the breaks," I answered. "Toddy, that's mean," said Thor, as he removed the magnet and placed it at the top of the picture. The Math Whiz smiled at Thor, and I glared at The Math Whiz. "You will have to get used to my evil nature," I told Thor. But I didn't replace the magnet, because, for the moment, I'm enjoying being submissive.

I will find other ways to get back at The Math Whiz. I will torture him secretly, and Thor will never be the wiser.