Dear Tom Cruise:
I hesitate to write you about this, because I know you have been through quite a trauma with having water squirted in your face. If something like that ever happened to me, I would probably be so upset, because then my face would be wet for a couple minutes, and we all know that having water on your face is very dangerous and humiliating.
The thing is, Tom Cruise, I need to get something off my chest, even at the risk of upsetting you and having you call me a jerk and/or sue me. I have seen so much of you lately. You're on every talk show, in every magazine, and you're even in the news all the time. Could you please take a break for awhile? You are overdoing it.
I try to avoid hearing about your life as much as possible, but lots of my friends have magazines in their bathroom, and I find myself reading about you while I am in there, um, washing my hands. I hear about you when I listen to the radio or watch television. It is enough to make me want to scream, "I don't want to hear about fucking Tom Cruise."
But, the thing is, I do kind of want to hear about fucking you. You really do have a great body and a cute smile. However, my hearing about fucking you would be inappropriate and would make you uncomfortable, because you most certainly are not gay and would not want to be used as fodder for my homosexual fantasies. I know you are not gay, because you have been married to women. If I understand the gazillion articles I've seen about you lately, you've been married twice and are now engaged. You are most definitely a straight man, because you are allowed to marry as many times as you want to, while we gay people can't get married at all unless we are in the mood to learn Swedish and move overseas.
But I digress, Straight Tom Cruise. I just wondered if you would mind toning it down a little bit when it comes to your engagement. Your relationship with Katie Holmes is so boring to me. How would you feel if I, the boyfriend of Thor, wrote about the love of my life (Thor) every single day on this blog? I know. I realize I do that, but I am asking how you would feel about it? It would be irritating, wouldn't it!? I'm sure that even my sexy boyfriend, Thor, finds it irritating how much you talk about Katie. I haven't asked him, because we have never actually talked about you (can you believe it!?!?), but I am sure he would find your relationship irritating nevertheless.
By the way, Thor could totally beat up both you and Katie Holmes, and he is a much better kisser than you will ever be. That is, if you kissed men, which I know you don't. You have been quite clear about that. So please go away now.