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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Fear Factor

To fully get where I'm coming from today, you should first read Juju's post, Scaredy Cat. (No, I'm not calling you a scaredy cat. That's the name of the post. Stop being so sensitive.)

Then you should read Auburn Pisces' response to Juju.

I suppose by further commenting on fear in relationships, I am helping to create a meme of sorts. Rather than a list of favorite music, this is more of a touchy feely meme. And it's not the kind of meme you would want to "tag" someone with, but if you have thoughts on the matter, I'd love for you to send me an e-mail or leave a comment and let me know you're continuing the discussion on your blog.

Juju is more in touch with herself - wait, let me start that over. Juju knows herself and is capable of great insight when it comes to her own issues and the issues of her friends. Auburn Pisces is focused and very skilled at cutting through to the heart of the matter. Having friends like Aub and Juju is the main reason I haven't yet been institutionalized.

That said, I'm experiencing a different sort of fear than either of my friends. One friend sometimes worries that she won't find her true love. Another worries that the true love she has found will force her to change into someone she despises.

My fear right now is that my hope for a future with Thor will be deferred or, worse, never fully realized. I fear that every day we spend apart will cause us to slowly forget or become numb to all that we shared. Before he left he told me that he could spend three months, one for each month we had in Portland, thinking about all the great times we had. Now that we are approaching one month apart, I'm wondering how long it will be until we can make more memories. I'm desperate to keep restocking. I don't want to run out of memories. Ever!

Vanity is at the heart of one of my biggest fears. I fear that I will end up looking foolish if this doesn't work out. (Sorry, Thor, I know you constantly tell me I'm crazy for doubting, but I have to admit I sometimes feel anxious about our surviving The Interruption.) Not every love survives, and sometimes we don't get to end up with the one who makes our heart sing. If my dreams of a future with you don't come to fruition, I worry that I will fall apart. I worry that I just won't be able to get back up again and won't even want to try. The vanity inherent in worrying about what others might think of my failure to survive a long-distance relationship is ridiculous.

As my friends fall in love, move in together, marry, buy houses, have children, etc., I worry that I am going to be left behind. I told Thor that I am having a hard time waiting for him to return while other relationships are moving forward. I'm on hold listening to muzak. In a month I'll be 39! I feel too old to wait. I feel like time is running out. (Good lord, you'd think I have some kind of biological clock of my own ticking away the moments of my remaining life.)

Kent, my friend, as you said to me in an e-mail today, "I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness..." and I guess that we are also responsible for our own fears. I think by expressing our fears, we can better manage them. By being honest with our "darker" thoughts, we can more effectively express the joyful feelings that come along too.

What are we so afraid of? It's just life!

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