Featured Post

Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

To Drug or Not to Drug?

That really has been the question lately. Should I be on medication?

In spite of the way I have been feeling lately (uninspired, lonely, sad, lethargic, lost) I have decided not to drug. I have decided I need to feel right now, even if the feelings are unpleasant.

Life can sometimes be dark. While it is wonderful to dream about spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend, it doesn't take away the pain of being away from him now. Thor and I have definite plans to see each other, and the day can't come soon enough. But I'm still here in the uncertain present, and no amount of hope for the future seems to make this easier.

There are some people who take pleasure in seeing me this way. They gloat and enjoy seeing me lonely. It sounds horrible, but I know it is true. They have let me know this. While I am sad, I am also incredibly happy. I am sad because I am in love and can't be with my man. So, people can gloat all they want. I'm still in love with a guy who loves me more than I have ever been loved in my life.

I'm not down for the count. I'm being underestimated, and my strength is surprising. I have friends who would fall apart if their boyfriend or girlfriend didn't call for a couple days. Don't get me wrong, I hate it when I don't hear from Thor, but I am not falling apart. We usually talk every couple days. One weekend we talked two or three times a day. Always, the time in between talks feels too long. It feels too long. Feeling, feeling, feeling. I sure am feeling a lot. I could turn it off with a drug, and its tempting. But I still think it is good to feel. Even if you feel rotten.

This is possibly the most disjointed and confusing post ever written. Writing doesn't come easily lately. Too many eyes probing and making assumptions about me based on what they read. No, this isn't about the comments from a couple days ago. This is about real-life people making real-life comments to my real-life face. I feel judged lately, and judged harshly.

If you are a friend who reads the blog and doesn't judge and shares kind encouraging words with me, you can thank Thor that I'm still here writing. Thor asked me to keep blogging when I felt like stopping a few weeks ago. "That's your thing, baby, you can't stop..." Also, he wants to know what is going on with me while we're apart, so in a way I am doing this for him. Sometimes when you love someone, you do things you don't feel like doing.

When I can't be funny, or when people complain to me that I don't write about their lives in my blog (yes, it actually happened), or when I know my words are read by people who think I need to get a grip or get a life or get a clue, it makes it hard to keep going. One person complained to me recently that he didn't like the way he was being "portrayed" in my blog. Um, sorry, this isn't a screenplay. If it were it would be the most boring horrible movie in the world. Trust me, I know Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven has seen better days. But this blog wasn't started to impress anybody. I write about my reality. Sometimes that reality is seen through drunken CC Slaughtered eyes (thanks, Jades) or through lesbian song lyrics (thanks, Thor).

Back to my point. (Did I have one?) I don't want to drug myself. (Okay, maybe a whiskey or two) I have never taken medication for ADD because I'm afraid it would dull my mind or diminish creative thought. I don't want to take medication for depression, because I think I'm supposed to be sad right now. And I think I am supposed to write about it, too, so its okay if you don't want to read this blog anymore. I promise I won't be hurt. Or maybe you'll just keep coming back to gloat. Do what you want, I can't stop you. I'll have some really great news to share soon, and you'll be irritated that things are going well for me again.

1 comment:

Cootera said...

Came here via Mush's Goblinbox. And though we don't know each other, I just want to say: good on you for allowing yourself to feel. Nothin' bad there. Some days life is just about the gettin' through the getting through, y'know? Good luck, Hot Toddy.