Liza and Me

Juju and I just had a really girly talk about hand lotion as we sat at our desks and moisturized with Philosophy's "Be Somebody Extra Rich Body Cream". Recently Juju used some kind of lemon shea butter stuff on her hands and told me it was divine. I asked if she wanted me to gay it up a bit for her so she'd feel like she was talking to a girlfriend. "Grrrl, I'm gonna get me some of that," I said. Immediately after I said it I cringed and said, "Yuck, I hate acting that way."

When I first auditioned for the sketch comedy group that Juju was part of, I told her I didn't like to play gay. It makes me feel uncomfortable to act flamboyant. I'm not bothered (anymore) by men who are flaming queens, but I hate acting that way.

I'm absolutely 100 percent gay. I am not sexually attracted to women at all - no, not even Angelina Jolie or [insert name of hottest woman alive here]. However, there are some areas of my life where I probably don't seem gay (whatever that means!) to people. Recently, I wrote about a woman in Tokyo who could not identify me as one of the two gay guys in our group. I don't have an incredible eye for fashion. I don't think I'm a very snappy dresser at all. I have never knitted anything. I never wrote a blog post about my anticipation over Brokeback Mountain's release. In fact, I haven't seen it yet. I don't own any Barbra Streisand cds (but I know how to spell her name). I've never seen Valley of the Dolls.

Still, I do fit a lot of the gay stereotypes. First and foremost, I love men. I love biceps and chests and the way men smell and the way they talk and walk. I love how my face and neck get a little sore from making out with a bearded man. I can be aroused just by hearing a deep male voice. So, that's pretty gay, I'd say.

On Sunday, after watching the game, I did one of the gayest things ever. I watched Liza Minnelli on Inside the Actors Studio. Oh, and I took notes.

There, I said it. I took notes on a Liza Minnelli interview. Allow me to explain. She talked about the way her mother (Judy Garland, for those of you living under a rock) taught her to rewrite memories. Judy's philosophy was that if a memory is bad, you can just rewrite it. When the interviewer (James Lipton for those of you living under a rock) asked if Liza agreed with that way of thinking, she gave a great response. She most definitely agrees with that way of thinking and said something like "they're your memories - you're the one who has to live with 'em - rewrite 'em!"

I thought about the memories I'd like to rewrite and spent a lot of time reworking some things in my head. There are things I wish I had done differently in relationships. There are so many times - too many to count - where I wish I had spoken up to people and stood up for myself. Why did I never say, "Enough. You are not being open with me. I'm sharing everything with you. I'm being truthful and authentic, and if you can't do the same this relationship won't work."

Well, if I could rewrite it, that's what I would have said. "Oh, you love me? Why don't you show it in your actions and not just your words?" I guess I thought I'd be rocking the boat if I spoke up. I thought I'd be left alone if I said too much. Well, guess what? I didn't say enough, and I still ended up alone. I claim to be truthful and authentic, yet I haven't been honest about the times I don't feel happy in a relationship. So, I've been a liar too. But that will change. I may not be able to rewrite history, but I can have a hand in writing my own future.

All that from a Liza Minnelli interview. That's so gay.