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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Thursday, February 16, 2006


You should have heard me cussing while I was setting up my "tranquility fountain" at my desk yesterday. It is the Envirascape Rock Garden (with Light) model that Juju gave me a couple years ago when we were roomies.

I told Juju that I was really going to need the fountain by the time I got it set up. I kept dropping the rocks on the floor, and then I would hit my head on the desk as I picked them up. (Must. Have. Cigarette.)

I had to go fill up a vase with water so that I could put it in the fountain, but once I got the vase under the faucet in the tiny bathroom sink, I couldn't get it out. Unless I angled the vase, but that caused almost all the water to pour out of the vase. I tried this three times before the nicest man at our whole company (Randy, the old man who wears the Hot Rod Flame shirt on casual Fridays - Juju adores him!) came into the bathroom and said, "How are things, Todd?"

Toddy, don't say "fuck you". Don't say "fuck you". It's Randy, the nicest man at our whole company. For god's sake do not hit him in the face with that vase. Just reply quickly and leave the bathroom and nobody will get hurt and/or summoned to HR.

"Fine, Randy," I said cheerily as I left the bathroom with a teeny tiny bit of water in my vase.

After much struggling and grunting and cussing, I got my lovely relaxing fountain set up. It is supposed to improve concentration by masking distractions. In my opinion, they need to manufacture a model for people with ADD who are trying to quit smoking. I picture it as sort of a fire hydrant or small geyser, because that's what it takes to mask distractions from me right about now.

The light is supposed to provide a dramatic effect. Honey, if you want drama just walk by my cubicle and say hello. There is not a lightbulb in the world big enough to outshine the drama of Hot Toddy these past four days.

As I sit here meditating and listening to my tranquility fountain's gently trickling water, I find myself coming to a new level of awareness. Namely, I am very aware that I need to pee.

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