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Monday, February 06, 2006

Superbowl XL

We watched The Diet Pepsi Superbowl Extra Large yesterday at home. In attendance: My bartender buddy from CC's who now has a blog name (JR), JR's boyfriend Vidal, Ren, Auburn Pisces, and her daughter Auburn Aries. Pony made a surprise appearance later and also left early due to a rather serious-looking hangover.

Remember when I said I am becoming a jock? Well, watching Superbowl Extra Large was a big part of my transition from sports ignoramus to sports enthusiast. So I took the whole thing more seriously than I ever have before. Still, I couldn't help making fun of the corporate sponsorship of every single aspect of the game. That was so ridiculous. "Welcome to the George Foreman Grill Pre-Game Show! Coming up next, the Massengill Kickoff Show. Stay tuned for the Dunkin' Doughnuts Halftime Show!!"

I kept waiting to hear, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the Cingular Wireless Star-Spangled Banner!" Then the crowd would cheer as the Burger King Pittsburgh Steelers entered the field to play against the Capital One Seattle Seahawks!

I wasn't the only one complaining. Vidal (guess what he does for a living?) noticed that none of the announcers dressed properly. "Ew. Look at his tie. Oh my GOD, look at HIS tie. CHRIST ALMIGHTY EVERYONE HAS SUCH HORRIBLE TIES!!"

I didn't respond. I am a jock and was just watching the game. Being a jock, however, does not mean I am no longer gay. I almost broke my neck looking up at the screen when the commercial came on that started with the words, "14 and a half inches longer..." - I have no doubt that people watching the game in gay bars across the nation erupted into laughter when that commercial aired.

Sometime during the second quarter, I saw an electronic Yahtzee game sitting on the end table next to me. I casually picked it up and started poking at the buttons. About 25 minutes later, I could feel Pony staring at me from his position next to me on the couch. He began to taunt me. "So, I guess you are done being a jock now?"

"I am playing Yahtzee. That is a sport," I snapped.

I announced later that I only played Yahtzee for one quarter, so it didn't count as not being a jock. Pony pointed out that the fact I was watching the game, not playing it, might cause my disqualification as a jock. I disagreed. You have to start somewhere. Maybe I will play in a future Superbowl. Maybe Superbowl Double XL.

During Mick Jagger's performance I heard Ren incorporating some lyrics about Viagra into the song, "Satisfaction". I couldn't make out everything she was singing because I was focused on my third Yahtzee in a row thank you very much!

Anyway, knowing that I was outscoring the Seahawks, I returned to the game sometime around the Lipton French Onion Soup Third Quarter. Other than a couple more breaks to answer the hilarious drunken text messages I was receiving from The Toddtender, I watched most of the game. At one point I even out-butched my friend Auburn Pisces. It seemed completely backwards that she was flipping through a Pottery Barn catalog while I watched the television screen. Admittedly, the catalog is mine, but that's not the point.

By the time I get to the Gay Games this summer, I'll probably have a subscription to Sports Illustrated. But I'll still get the Pottery Barn catalog too.

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