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Friday, March 10, 2006

Makers Mark at the Mansion

Tonight I am heading for the coast to spend a weekend with eight wonderful people. You'll find the guest list at Auburn Pisces' blog. You'll also find a link to a picture of the house and the town where we're staying so that you can stalk me if you get bored this weekend.

This getaway couldn't come at a better time. Broken bones and a sprained neck, a breakup and two car crashes have taken a lot out of me, needless to say.

I know that it is impossible to find answers at the bottom of a bottle. And for the past couple months I've been going inside for the answers, not seeking them from others. I'm pleased to report that I've learned a lot about just how strong I can be. I don't need a partner to take care of me, and I don't need a boyfriend in order to be happy. It only took me a little over three decades to figure that out. I'm a slow learner, I guess.

But back to the bottle. I am planning on seeing the bottom of one or two bottles this weekend. Not because I need to escape anything, but because I finally feel happy and strong enough to know that I'm drinking in a celebratory fashion rather than drinking to numb the pain. I have a lot to celebrate.

I called my mom last night. Yesterday was her birthday. We had a great talk and she said that I sound really good. "That makes me so happy," she said, and I knew she was right. I am back on track and have grown so much more comfortable with myself in the past few months. The last time I talked to Mom it was Christmas eve, and I broke down and cried on the phone. I was still deep in a pit of depression and my original Christmas plans with Thor fell through, so it was a rough time.

You know what, I still think about Thor every single day. I am not sure if I will ever get over losing him, and I don't think I could ever stop loving him, but the bottom line is I survived a darkness and hopelessness I'd never experienced before.

I don't want to cry anymore. Instead, I'm gonna get funky, and I'm gonna get my drink on. I will celebrate the amazing funny cool friends in my life, and I'm gonna be a big goofball and crack their shit up, and I'm gonna flirt and dance and laugh.

I'll play softball and play World of Warcraft and drive a new truck and lift heavier weights and spend extra minutes on the treadmill and get lots of sun and fly to Chicago for the Gay Games and play with Pancakes and call my family more often and maybe even learn how to do a cartwheel.

But this weekend I'll just focus on the Maker's Mark and being a goofball part.

I wonder if the broken toe will interfere with my performance of Riverdance? If all else fails, I can always do my Drunk Billie Holiday.

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