Spring is coming (or if it comes at the beginning of a sentence) and I am getting pelted with Cupid's arrows left and right. If I were to make a list of crushes right now (as we thirteen year-old junior high school girls are prone to do) the names of boys (written in glitter pen) would cover an entire page of notebook paper from my Hello Kitty Trapper Keeper.
I am trying a new thing. I am not telling any of my crushes how I feel. It's an experiment of sorts. Instead of shoving my bleeding heart in people's faces, I will try to be mysterious. There will be lots of sexual chemistry and romantic undertones, but me and my crushes will act like we are just friends. Think Cybill Shepherd and Bruce Willis in Moonlighting.
I have a crush at work who literally makes my face red when he talks to me. He bends his knees and pretends to walk down stairs when he passes my cube. Do you know how incredibly adorable that is? He is pretending to walk down stairs. For me! To make me smile!! I'll bet his wife loves that.
All of my other crushes read Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. I'm pretty sure they do anyway. But if you think YOU are the one I have a crush on, you're wrong. Besides, as I've already explained, I wouldn't tell you even if I did have a crush on you, because I think it would be better if we waited to confess our feelings until I am standing up in front of the congregation at my wedding, and then you can run in and shout, "I object!" or whatever you're supposed to say when you are about to watch the love of your life marry the wrong person.
Or, if you want, we can do the airport thing where I am about to get on an airplane bound for - I don't know - the Gay Games in Chicago - and you can buy a ticket at the last minute and come with me and we will stay together in the hotel and have amazing sex and then, at the opening ceremony for the games, you'll ask me to marry you. Or you can ask at the closing ceremony if you need extra time to think it over. We don't want to rush things.