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Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Saturday, April 29, 2006


Note: This is one of those posts that scare me. I have thought about taking it down, because I am afraid it will make me look pathetic. I am afraid people will say, "Oh, here we go again. Why can't he get over it and just go back to being funny!?" I really am doing well. I'm learning about the Buddhist philosophy of acceptance and detachment. I'M meeting some great people at softball. I'm losing weight and getting tan and enjoying my friends. But I'm posting this dream anyway, because sometimes I still cry. Sometimes I still have dreams that make me wonder when (not IF) the pain will go away...

The comments I've seen so far make me so glad I posted this. HTTO readers are the best!

Last night I had a dream that I owned a very good, sweet and loving dog. My little dog had a favorite toy - a puffy cloth toy covered in fake wool. My dog and I were best friends - inseparable - and his disposition was loyal and gentle. For reasons I couldn't' figure out, my father decided to make the dog turn mean. He tied my dog in the backyard. Then he took my dog's beloved toy and put it on the other side of a big fence in full view of my little dog. His plan was to frustrate the dog so much it would turn wild and attack me.

I came into the backyard and immediately sensed something different. My dog was looking at me with a crazed look. He actually seemed to be fighting the urge to attack me. When I saw what my father had done, I began to mourn the loss of my dog. I knew that my pet was ruined and would no longer love me. Suddenly, it occurred to me that if I wanted to help my dog I could try climbing over the fence to get his toy. I managed to get over the fence and take hold of the toy, but I suddenly became very distracted. I had the urge to stay on that side of the fence and take care of other seemingly urgent, but unidentified, issues that needed my attention. I almost forgot about my little dog waiting on the other side of the fence.

"Be relevant," I told myself. I said it out loud, and that helped me focus on the task at hand. "Be relevant," I said again as I climbed over the fence. My dog was so very happy to have his toy back, and he was instantly soothed back into sweetness and love.

I am trying to figure out what this means. I know it is about obsession. I know it is about loss of love.

I know that I am the dog, but I am also the owner. Once I had a person in my life that I loved so much my every happiness seemed tied to this person and our relationship. When I lost it, I lost my happiness. I became like a wild animal, wanting to lash out at myself. Like that little dog, I couldn't take my eyes off of what I loved. I was so close to having what I wanted, but it was held out of my reach. Every day for so long, I've stood at that fence wishing for something I can't have. And maybe I was never supposed to have it anyway.

The only person who can save me from becoming hateful and angry is myself. I understand why I climbed over the fence in the dream. I needed to take charge and realize that the obstacles to what I want are not insurmountable.

But in the dream, why did I get lost for a moment? And how did I regain my focus by ordering myself to be relevant?

In technology, relevance can be defined as the ability to retrieve material that satisfies the needs of the user. To be relevant means to be related to the matter at hand. Maybe I have been focused on something that is irrelevant. The other day a friend said to me, "Toddy, what if Thor was the one? What if you were meant to be with him?" Although my friend meant well, that thought was so devastating and has continued to haunt me. What if Thor was my destiny? I can't accept that my dreams were all tied up with one person and if I don't have that person, I will not have happiness again.

I can't believe that over four months have passed since our relationship ended. My progress is slow and painful. It is exhausting. I want it to just stop. But I can't give in, and I can't give up. I must focus on what is relevant right now. If only I knew what that were.

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