What I am about to tell you may cause you to question your reality. Your spiritual foundation may feel a bit shaky after you read this account of last night's miracle at CC Slaughters. This is an eerie tale - a tale of the supernatural. I have never witnessed anything like what I saw last night. And, to validate this unbelievable tale, I have photographic evidence, which I will share with everyone in the toaster oven today.
Ms. Karma and I were sitting casually at the bar (sometimes we sit at the bar very formally, and we ask for finger bowls, but not this time) when some condensation from my gin and tonic was absorbed by the cocktail napkin under my drink. I do not know what prompted me to do what I did next, but now I can see that a force beyond my understanding prodded me into action.
As Ms. Karma blathered on and on about some nonsense that had little or nothing to do with me (boring!), I unfolded the napkin. I guess needed something to do to keep me awake, because her stories were really bad last night. One of them went like this:
"Oh my gosh, Toddy, this morning I was coming into work and then I got into some traffic and at one point I was, like, 'where did all this traffic come from' - and then I was cut off by somebody!" I nodded and waited for the punch line. Ms. Karma noticed my anxious expression and realized I was anticipating some sort of point. "That's all," she said.
So, you can see why I was preoccupied with a cocktail napkin. That napkin turned out to be a powerful conductor of profound symbolic manifestations. When I opened the napkin and laid it out on the bar, I noticed the light from underneath highlighted the wet spots of the open napkin. I began to pick at these spots so that the surface of the bar was visible through these "portals" I was creating. Once I opened the portals, I stared at the napkin as Ms. Karma told a story about ironing a shirt or something. "Then I just pushed the iron across the fabric and all the wrinkles went away!! That's all."
Suddenly, I saw it. My personal message. I gazed into the light emanating through the napkin. I felt an energy shift within the bar, and I reached out and grabbed Ms. Karma's arm.
"Oh my god, you are not going to believe this, Ms. Karma. Look at my napkin."
"But I was about to tell you how I refilled a salt shaker one time!"
"Just look, Ms. Karma!" She stared at the napkin and I helped her see the vision. "Look, it is the Cingular wireless logo."
The Cingular wireless logo was made manifest in my lowly cocktail napkin. I always knew I was special in a Joan of Arc kind of way. People heard Joan's words and thought she was insane. People read my words and feel really confused and sort of thankful they are not me. Joan and I are the same. We are messengers.
People, heed my words. Make the switch to Cingular wireless if they are not already your wireless provider. You and I will be bound, not only by the force of my cocktail napkin, but by free mobile to mobile calling.
Look upon the amazing Cingular wireless napkin. Remember the glory of what you are about to witness. Tell everyone you know. If you can make a pilgrimage, come see for yourself the napkin that I have in my coat or at home or in the truck. (I know I have it somewhere.)