I slept at my loft for the first time last night. This is the first time in 15 years that I have lived by myself, which is kind of crazy if I really think about it. When I was in the cult, I lived in an apartment with five guys from the church. After fleeing that situation, I lived, to my shame, with my parents for eight months. Then I moved in with my first boyfriend, CT. After we split, I lived with Juju and then The Handsome Prince. Now, at the age of 38, I am on my own.
My first night at the loft was interesting. The first thing I did was lock myself out of the building. Each resident has a key fob that automatically unlocks the building, but I left mine upstairs in the loft. So I stood on the sidewalk hoping somebody would come in or out so I could explain my plight. But after 15 minutes, I remembered the name of a realtor who lives on my floor. Although I have never met him, I dialed him up and introduced myself. Because he had loud jazz playing in the background, I had to yell so everyone walking by on the sidewalk could hear what an idiot I am.
"Hi, David! You don't know me! I am Hot Toddy, your new neighbor. I have already locked myself out, and I'm sorry to bug you so late. Could you let me in?"
"What?"
"HI DAVID! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I AM HOT TODDY, YOUR NEW NEIGHBOR, AND I'VE LOCKED MYSELF OUT. SORRY TO BUG YOU SO LATE! COULD YOU LET ME IN??"
"Are you the tall blonde guy?"
"YES!"
So, he let me in, Once I got back into my place, all I wanted to do was wash off the sweat from a long hot day, but I couldn't figure out how to operate the shower. No, really, it's hard. Stop laughing. You don't understand - the faucet is really weird. Anyway, after I took a bath, I put up some pictures of Thor and set the one of us kissing right next to my bed. Then I turned on the radio, couldn't bear listening to Delilah's sad love songs and dedications, turned off the radio, and settled into bed. I had forgotten to bring pillows for my first night, so I wadded up a towel for my head, grabbed the rope Thor gave me (long story), wrapped part of it around my forearm, and went to sleep.
I thought living in a cool loft would instantly make me cool. Instead, I am the neighbor who locks himself out, uses towels for pillows, and sleeps with a rope. I'll never be one of the cool kids, will I?
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Goodwill
I finally decided to just get rid of everything. I am keeping a bed, bookshelf, nightstand, and a couple lamps. So far, I've mostly moved books and pictures into the loft. I went through my belongings and took the things that meant the most to me, but I'm getting rid of much more than I'm keeping.
Today I'm going to Goodwill after work with The Handsome Prince. We're dropping off a couch, a futon, bags of clothes and a couple lamps. It strikes me as odd that I can so easily part with items I once cared about. Our attachments are not always permanent, and this can go for relationships too.
I think about the people in my life who have gradually disappeared, and it makes me sad. Relationships that once meant the world to me have vanished, although there is nowhere to place the blame. We simply moved on and found other relationships.
I have not communicated with my grandmother in years. She once wrote me a letter criticizing my mother and blaming her for the problems between my parents. I suppose it is natural for her to take her son's side, but I disagreed strongly with her assessment of my mother's character, and I responded with several angry pages letting her know she was out of line. I never heard from my grandmother again. I have good memories of her, but I feel like she cut me off the day I dared to express an opinion that differed from hers. So, I never tried to reconcile, and I wonder if I will regret it someday.
I'll be heading to Dallas for a family visit in a few weeks, and I suppose the visit will cause me to reflect on my blood relations, but there are so many times that I just don't crave a closeness with them. My boyfriend has several gay relatives, including a lesbian sister, but I am (to my knowledge) the only gay person in my family. This makes me a complete outcast at times, since I come from a conservative and somewhat narrow-minded family. I envy Thor, because he can be so open with his family. I picture my visit to Dallas as a dark cloud, and my main concern is how to hide the Maker's Mark so I can sit by the pool after everyone goes to bed and drink until I'm tired.
If only there were a donation center for relationship baggage. I would love to unload some of the junk cluttering up my life. I know that one of my faults is giving up on people. I will give my heart completely, but if I am hurt badly, there is a steel door in my heart that closes forever. Resurrecting my affections seems impossible in these cases. In blogging there is an easy way of dealing with someone who hurts or betrays you. You can just delink them and move on. In real life, there is more baggage involved. You have to sort through the piles of stuff and figure out which parts of a relationship you want to hang onto and which parts you want to throw away. Lately, I'm tossing more than I'm keeping. Maybe I am just making room for better things to come my way. Only time will tell.
Today I'm going to Goodwill after work with The Handsome Prince. We're dropping off a couch, a futon, bags of clothes and a couple lamps. It strikes me as odd that I can so easily part with items I once cared about. Our attachments are not always permanent, and this can go for relationships too.
I think about the people in my life who have gradually disappeared, and it makes me sad. Relationships that once meant the world to me have vanished, although there is nowhere to place the blame. We simply moved on and found other relationships.
I have not communicated with my grandmother in years. She once wrote me a letter criticizing my mother and blaming her for the problems between my parents. I suppose it is natural for her to take her son's side, but I disagreed strongly with her assessment of my mother's character, and I responded with several angry pages letting her know she was out of line. I never heard from my grandmother again. I have good memories of her, but I feel like she cut me off the day I dared to express an opinion that differed from hers. So, I never tried to reconcile, and I wonder if I will regret it someday.
I'll be heading to Dallas for a family visit in a few weeks, and I suppose the visit will cause me to reflect on my blood relations, but there are so many times that I just don't crave a closeness with them. My boyfriend has several gay relatives, including a lesbian sister, but I am (to my knowledge) the only gay person in my family. This makes me a complete outcast at times, since I come from a conservative and somewhat narrow-minded family. I envy Thor, because he can be so open with his family. I picture my visit to Dallas as a dark cloud, and my main concern is how to hide the Maker's Mark so I can sit by the pool after everyone goes to bed and drink until I'm tired.
If only there were a donation center for relationship baggage. I would love to unload some of the junk cluttering up my life. I know that one of my faults is giving up on people. I will give my heart completely, but if I am hurt badly, there is a steel door in my heart that closes forever. Resurrecting my affections seems impossible in these cases. In blogging there is an easy way of dealing with someone who hurts or betrays you. You can just delink them and move on. In real life, there is more baggage involved. You have to sort through the piles of stuff and figure out which parts of a relationship you want to hang onto and which parts you want to throw away. Lately, I'm tossing more than I'm keeping. Maybe I am just making room for better things to come my way. Only time will tell.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Jackpot
This weekend Thor and I went to the tribal casino to celebrate Metro's birthday with him. I wondered if it was a bad idea for us to wear cowboy hats to a casino run by an Indian tribe (I know that's not PC - but Native American Tribe isn't as funny to say). Fortunately, nobody seemed to mind that we wore cowboy hats, but we did get some mean looks when we drank our beers with our arms intertwined.
Juju did a great job organizing the caravan, and almost everybody left with more money than they came with. Thor lost his money quickly. Not in the slots, though. He literally lost it when he dropped it on the floor and someone snatched it up. But I took care of him and made sure he had access to money whenever he needed it. It felt good to be his sugar daddy.
Every time Juju won a little on the slots, Thor would roar with approval. It caused quite a scene. Everybody around us wanted Juju to leave so they could take over her apparently loose slots (that didn't come out right). What people didn't know is that Thor was cheering whether Juju won fifty cents or several dollars.
After hours of playing, Thor and I went to the restaurant for a quick breakfast. When they called my number, Thor said, "Toddy, you won!" Yeah. I won two omelettes that I paid for, but the way he said it just made me feel like a winner.
I always feel like a winner when I am with Thor. Somehow, I won a boyfriend that turns heads and turns me on. He looked amazing with the tan he got while helping friends move furniture that day. His blue eyes were emphasized by the blue shirt he wore, and the top three buttons were open to expose his strong hairy chest. I tried to resist putting my hands in his shirt, but I am weak. In order to avoid angry homophobic stares, I had to hold a menu up to hide my wandering hands from the view of the other patrons.
Yesterday, Thor came to see the new loft where I'll be living, and I was so glad that he was my first guest. We kissed in the kitchen, and I told him that he was the first boy I'd kissed in my new place. "First and last," he said. Like I'd want to kiss anybody else. Like I needed to be reminded where my heart is.
Thor and I are meant to be, and that is why I know we'll be back together after he takes care of the things he needs to do right now. Steve, my friend in Ireland, sent me an e-mail today reminding me that "What's for you won't go by you," and Thor is definitely meant for me. "I hope - no, I know that when I'm away we will feel this close when we talk on the phone," Thor told me when he called to say goodnight last evening.
I certainly hit the jackpot this time.
Juju did a great job organizing the caravan, and almost everybody left with more money than they came with. Thor lost his money quickly. Not in the slots, though. He literally lost it when he dropped it on the floor and someone snatched it up. But I took care of him and made sure he had access to money whenever he needed it. It felt good to be his sugar daddy.
Every time Juju won a little on the slots, Thor would roar with approval. It caused quite a scene. Everybody around us wanted Juju to leave so they could take over her apparently loose slots (that didn't come out right). What people didn't know is that Thor was cheering whether Juju won fifty cents or several dollars.
After hours of playing, Thor and I went to the restaurant for a quick breakfast. When they called my number, Thor said, "Toddy, you won!" Yeah. I won two omelettes that I paid for, but the way he said it just made me feel like a winner.
I always feel like a winner when I am with Thor. Somehow, I won a boyfriend that turns heads and turns me on. He looked amazing with the tan he got while helping friends move furniture that day. His blue eyes were emphasized by the blue shirt he wore, and the top three buttons were open to expose his strong hairy chest. I tried to resist putting my hands in his shirt, but I am weak. In order to avoid angry homophobic stares, I had to hold a menu up to hide my wandering hands from the view of the other patrons.
Yesterday, Thor came to see the new loft where I'll be living, and I was so glad that he was my first guest. We kissed in the kitchen, and I told him that he was the first boy I'd kissed in my new place. "First and last," he said. Like I'd want to kiss anybody else. Like I needed to be reminded where my heart is.
Thor and I are meant to be, and that is why I know we'll be back together after he takes care of the things he needs to do right now. Steve, my friend in Ireland, sent me an e-mail today reminding me that "What's for you won't go by you," and Thor is definitely meant for me. "I hope - no, I know that when I'm away we will feel this close when we talk on the phone," Thor told me when he called to say goodnight last evening.
I certainly hit the jackpot this time.
Friday, July 22, 2005
A Worst Case Scenario
I hate to ruin a perfectly good Friday with pessimistic thoughts, but this really can't wait. I have allowed you to skip and jump through the happy crumbs of my toaster oven long enough. It is time to act like adults. We need to sober up and get real. There are dangers all around us, and we must prepare to meet threats with confidence and courage. That is why I think it is important for each of us to have a plan of action in case we are kidnapped by pirates.
The first thing I plan to do is hide from the pirates. Well, after they rape me, I mean. But immediately after being raped, I shall go hide somewhere on the pirate ship. I'll hide in the galley or the promenade deck (where Julie the Cruise Director organized the shuffleboard games on the Princess) or I will hide in the casino under the craps table.
Once I am found, which could take hours if I'm lucky and lots of pirates are crowding around the craps table blocking me from view with their peg legs, I'll surrender to another round of raping. Then, when they try to make me swab the deck, I will pull out my secret weapon: I will mock them.
"Listen, I saw the movie about you people, and let me just say that none of you are even close to being as sexy as Johnny Depp."
"Hey, Captain McHooky, can you scratch my back for me?"
The taunts would continue until each and every pirate hung his head in shame. Then, after they raped me one more time, I would make them let me go.
I share my plan for pirate kidnapping to inspire you to formulate your own strategy. The day is coming. How will you escape the pirates?
The first thing I plan to do is hide from the pirates. Well, after they rape me, I mean. But immediately after being raped, I shall go hide somewhere on the pirate ship. I'll hide in the galley or the promenade deck (where Julie the Cruise Director organized the shuffleboard games on the Princess) or I will hide in the casino under the craps table.
Once I am found, which could take hours if I'm lucky and lots of pirates are crowding around the craps table blocking me from view with their peg legs, I'll surrender to another round of raping. Then, when they try to make me swab the deck, I will pull out my secret weapon: I will mock them.
"Listen, I saw the movie about you people, and let me just say that none of you are even close to being as sexy as Johnny Depp."
"Hey, Captain McHooky, can you scratch my back for me?"
The taunts would continue until each and every pirate hung his head in shame. Then, after they raped me one more time, I would make them let me go.
I share my plan for pirate kidnapping to inspire you to formulate your own strategy. The day is coming. How will you escape the pirates?
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Water Fights and Peaceful Nights
I'm heartsick today. Even though he isn't leaving for a few weeks, knowing that Thor won't be around is looming over me like a death sentence.
It's fun to talk about our dreams of someday being back together, but the future is unknown. I can hope, but I can't count on anything.
Sometimes I act like a child, because something is being taken away from me. Something I cherish and want to keep forever. I hate when I become pouty and needy. It's ridiculous and must be very difficult for Thor to tolerate.
At other times, we laugh and love as if there is no end to our togetherness. We had a great weekend together and made lots of great memories. I danced for him at CC Slaughters while he watched me make a fool of myself to "Hollaback Girl". We ate at his favorite Italian restaurant in town, and he teased me for staring at the waiter's arms. (I told Thor I'd choose his chest over the waiter's arms any day.) We played at home, and we spent most of Saturday night wrapped up in each other on the couch. On Monday we got into a water fight in the front yard of Auburn Pisces' house. AP's daughter, Auburn Aries, teamed up with Thor to drench me in cold water from the hose. The water was freezing, but at least I didn't spill my cocktail.
Every moment Thor and I spend together feels precious, and time is slipping through our fingers. It's as if I can hear a big clock ticking away the seconds, and I hate it. Everyone knows that we aren't guaranteed anything in life. None of us can be sure of tomorrow. We don't know when the people we love may leave us.
I love that I found a man who will make sacrifices to care for his family. I love that he is so sure we are going to be back together someday. I wish I could be more like him, but I am a wreck inside.
It's fun to talk about our dreams of someday being back together, but the future is unknown. I can hope, but I can't count on anything.
Sometimes I act like a child, because something is being taken away from me. Something I cherish and want to keep forever. I hate when I become pouty and needy. It's ridiculous and must be very difficult for Thor to tolerate.
At other times, we laugh and love as if there is no end to our togetherness. We had a great weekend together and made lots of great memories. I danced for him at CC Slaughters while he watched me make a fool of myself to "Hollaback Girl". We ate at his favorite Italian restaurant in town, and he teased me for staring at the waiter's arms. (I told Thor I'd choose his chest over the waiter's arms any day.) We played at home, and we spent most of Saturday night wrapped up in each other on the couch. On Monday we got into a water fight in the front yard of Auburn Pisces' house. AP's daughter, Auburn Aries, teamed up with Thor to drench me in cold water from the hose. The water was freezing, but at least I didn't spill my cocktail.
Every moment Thor and I spend together feels precious, and time is slipping through our fingers. It's as if I can hear a big clock ticking away the seconds, and I hate it. Everyone knows that we aren't guaranteed anything in life. None of us can be sure of tomorrow. We don't know when the people we love may leave us.
I love that I found a man who will make sacrifices to care for his family. I love that he is so sure we are going to be back together someday. I wish I could be more like him, but I am a wreck inside.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Lofty Living
I am always surprised that people read Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven to obtain information about my life. What I mean is, I thought maybe people read this blog for the spectacle. The same way folks will stop and stare at a train wreck. Yesterday, however, I was a bit surprised by some of the comments asking me to fill readers in on details of my upcoming move. That means you really care. Or you are hoping that I'll tell you how I am not moving so much as going to rehab for the summer.
So, here goes. I'm moving. Really moving. Not just going to rehab - actually not going to rehab at all (yet). I'm moving to a loft in Southeast Portland near this cool neighborhood. Do you like the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood in San Francisco? If you do, then this neighborhood is a lot like that place. There is a street fair every summer, and the loft is near lots of great bars and restaurants.
If you do not like Haight-Ashbury, let me tell you this neighborhood is nothing like that dump.
So, why am I moving? I'm telling most people that it is simply time for me to live alone for a while. But the real reason I'm leaving The Handsome Prince and his boyfriend, The Math Whiz, is because I have driven them crazy for the past year.
For one thing, I cry. I cry and cry in The Vortex. I cry when I am happy (I love you Thor) and I cry when I am sad (Pony, why did you put those sad songs on that CD you gave me?)
I never do dishes. That is because we have no dishwasher. Who ever heard of not having a dishwasher? Who ever heard of me doing dishes by hand? Not me. I never heard of me doing dishes by hand. That's for sure.
I'm sorry this post is all over the map. I can't focus at all. The sleeping pill I took last night is wearing off. I took a sleeping pill because Thor made me. I can't remember why he made me take the sleeping pill, because we ended up staying awake until almost 4 a.m., which seems to me to defeat the purpose of a sleeping pill, except that it did make me feel really warm and happy, and I didn't feel emotional and didn't cry. Oh, now I remember why he made me take the sleeping pill. It was so I wouldn't cry, not so I would sleep. Anyway, back to the reasons I'm driving my current housemates crazy. Actually, after reading that last paragraph again, I don't really think it's necessary to elaborate on my crazy-making ways.
I have to go now. I thought there was an ambulance outside, but it was just my desk phone making noise because I didn't hang it up all the way. Juju liked that one a lot. She is just over the cubicle wall from me and has a fun time watching me try to function in my job on a daily basis.
So, here goes. I'm moving. Really moving. Not just going to rehab - actually not going to rehab at all (yet). I'm moving to a loft in Southeast Portland near this cool neighborhood. Do you like the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood in San Francisco? If you do, then this neighborhood is a lot like that place. There is a street fair every summer, and the loft is near lots of great bars and restaurants.
If you do not like Haight-Ashbury, let me tell you this neighborhood is nothing like that dump.
So, why am I moving? I'm telling most people that it is simply time for me to live alone for a while. But the real reason I'm leaving The Handsome Prince and his boyfriend, The Math Whiz, is because I have driven them crazy for the past year.
For one thing, I cry. I cry and cry in The Vortex. I cry when I am happy (I love you Thor) and I cry when I am sad (Pony, why did you put those sad songs on that CD you gave me?)
I never do dishes. That is because we have no dishwasher. Who ever heard of not having a dishwasher? Who ever heard of me doing dishes by hand? Not me. I never heard of me doing dishes by hand. That's for sure.
I'm sorry this post is all over the map. I can't focus at all. The sleeping pill I took last night is wearing off. I took a sleeping pill because Thor made me. I can't remember why he made me take the sleeping pill, because we ended up staying awake until almost 4 a.m., which seems to me to defeat the purpose of a sleeping pill, except that it did make me feel really warm and happy, and I didn't feel emotional and didn't cry. Oh, now I remember why he made me take the sleeping pill. It was so I wouldn't cry, not so I would sleep. Anyway, back to the reasons I'm driving my current housemates crazy. Actually, after reading that last paragraph again, I don't really think it's necessary to elaborate on my crazy-making ways.
I have to go now. I thought there was an ambulance outside, but it was just my desk phone making noise because I didn't hang it up all the way. Juju liked that one a lot. She is just over the cubicle wall from me and has a fun time watching me try to function in my job on a daily basis.
Monday, July 18, 2005
File or Toss
I worked at an office in Washington DC many years ago, and I remember people constantly putting files and magazines and documents on my desk with a note that said "File or Toss". Given a choice between alphabetizing something or throwing it away, I choose the trash can (circular file) every time.
This weekend I started packing. Yes, I am leaving the nest. I'll be vacating my home with The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz in search of myself. Hot Toddy has been elusive lately, even to himself. But I have great hope that I'll find him again.
The hardest part of moving is deciding whether to keep or toss. Should I hang onto this bandanna my dog wore or just toss it since I have three others that he wore? What about these ticket stubs from one of my many past loves?
I'm leaving behind everything my ex CT ever gave me. I'm so finished with that part of my life, I don't even want to look at the broken futon or old pots and pans or ripped sheets he gave me in the divorce. I want my own pots and pans and sheets.
Thor will be gone for weeks or months or years, who knows? I still have faith that he'll come back to me. That is, if I have anything to say about it. But, really, do I have anything to say about it? How much power do I really have to ensure I get what I want? I'm not so naive as to think that faith is always enough. That sounds cynical, I know. But forever is a broken promise I've heard before. Actions speak louder than words and only time will tell and crap like that.
In the meantime, I'll just keep packing and trying not to think. Or feel.
This weekend I started packing. Yes, I am leaving the nest. I'll be vacating my home with The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz in search of myself. Hot Toddy has been elusive lately, even to himself. But I have great hope that I'll find him again.
The hardest part of moving is deciding whether to keep or toss. Should I hang onto this bandanna my dog wore or just toss it since I have three others that he wore? What about these ticket stubs from one of my many past loves?
I'm leaving behind everything my ex CT ever gave me. I'm so finished with that part of my life, I don't even want to look at the broken futon or old pots and pans or ripped sheets he gave me in the divorce. I want my own pots and pans and sheets.
Thor will be gone for weeks or months or years, who knows? I still have faith that he'll come back to me. That is, if I have anything to say about it. But, really, do I have anything to say about it? How much power do I really have to ensure I get what I want? I'm not so naive as to think that faith is always enough. That sounds cynical, I know. But forever is a broken promise I've heard before. Actions speak louder than words and only time will tell and crap like that.
In the meantime, I'll just keep packing and trying not to think. Or feel.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Love Like You've Never Been Hurt
What would you do if you loved someone, and you found out they only had a few weeks to live? Would you change your behavior? Would you try harder to let them know how much you care about them? Would you push them away so it won't hurt as much when they go?
Not to worry, Thor is alive and well and, as far as I know, will be alive for many years. We are not breaking up, and we have only grown closer since we found out some painful news. We have encountered a family situation that means we will be separated for a while, and I have spent the last two days trying to figure out what this means for us.
I am sure I'll be writing more about this situation, but for now, I'll get back to my question. How would you spend your days if you knew time with your loved one was limited? What would you say? How would you act?
After a couple days of crying and feeling sorry for myself, I began searching my heart and wondering how the pending separation would affect Thor and me. Seeing how much Thor was hurting as he told me the news, I made him a promise. I told him that we are still together today, and that we are going to live each day like it's our last day on earth. His eyes lit up with such joy, and I was amazed at the power of the promise I made to him. He grabbed my hands and said, "Really? Do you mean that? We can have fun and laugh and not be sad about the future? You promise!?"
I promise, Baby. I will dance with you in The Vortex the way I always have. I will hold you tightly and whisper into your ear how much I love you. I will make you laugh and watch you shake your head and hear you tell me that I remind you of Lucille Ball when I act goofy. For the time we have left together, I will build you up and encourage you. I'll listen to your stories and soak up all the dreams you share with me about our life together. We can hike and watch animals. We can wrestle on the floor, and I'll let you win every time, but not without a fight. I'll lay between your legs on the couch and watch Oz with you, even though I'll have to look away if it gets too violent. I'll climb into bed with you at night, and we'll hold each other and talk until dawn.
We'll make new memories too. We'll try things we haven't done before, and we'll make sure to experience as much joy as we can cram into our remaining days. We'll still dream about what is to come, and we will know that both of us will come together even stronger after going through what we're about to face.
How will I spend my limited days with Thor? Exactly as I have to this point. I'm going to spend these days loving him with everything I have inside of me.
Not to worry, Thor is alive and well and, as far as I know, will be alive for many years. We are not breaking up, and we have only grown closer since we found out some painful news. We have encountered a family situation that means we will be separated for a while, and I have spent the last two days trying to figure out what this means for us.
I am sure I'll be writing more about this situation, but for now, I'll get back to my question. How would you spend your days if you knew time with your loved one was limited? What would you say? How would you act?
After a couple days of crying and feeling sorry for myself, I began searching my heart and wondering how the pending separation would affect Thor and me. Seeing how much Thor was hurting as he told me the news, I made him a promise. I told him that we are still together today, and that we are going to live each day like it's our last day on earth. His eyes lit up with such joy, and I was amazed at the power of the promise I made to him. He grabbed my hands and said, "Really? Do you mean that? We can have fun and laugh and not be sad about the future? You promise!?"
I promise, Baby. I will dance with you in The Vortex the way I always have. I will hold you tightly and whisper into your ear how much I love you. I will make you laugh and watch you shake your head and hear you tell me that I remind you of Lucille Ball when I act goofy. For the time we have left together, I will build you up and encourage you. I'll listen to your stories and soak up all the dreams you share with me about our life together. We can hike and watch animals. We can wrestle on the floor, and I'll let you win every time, but not without a fight. I'll lay between your legs on the couch and watch Oz with you, even though I'll have to look away if it gets too violent. I'll climb into bed with you at night, and we'll hold each other and talk until dawn.
We'll make new memories too. We'll try things we haven't done before, and we'll make sure to experience as much joy as we can cram into our remaining days. We'll still dream about what is to come, and we will know that both of us will come together even stronger after going through what we're about to face.
How will I spend my limited days with Thor? Exactly as I have to this point. I'm going to spend these days loving him with everything I have inside of me.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Seattle Shenanigans
So, let's clear up a few things about my trip to Seattle last weekend.
Yes, it's true that I shouted out commands to pedestrians below my hotel room window in Seattle and also fought the evil Auburn Pisces with my Shirt of Death.
It's true that we enjoyed a great dinner and a couple fun bars with Jesse and his friend, Kelly. Jesse was exactly the way I thought he would be. He warned me a few months ago that he is shy, but I felt very comfortable with him. His warmth and kind spirit are a wonderful thing to experience, and I look forward to getting to see him again someday.
After reading her description of our weekend, I really can't think of anything AP may have left out. First of all, my memory is shot. Secondly, her account is more entertaining than mine would be. Auburn Pisces didn't mention my feelings on cantaloupe, but I'll let her write about that another time. Let's just say that there is only one thing I would hate to eat more than cantaloupe, and I revealed it to my friends last weekend. For a hint, see the first sentence of Juju's blog post.
Yes, it's true that I shouted out commands to pedestrians below my hotel room window in Seattle and also fought the evil Auburn Pisces with my Shirt of Death.
It's true that we enjoyed a great dinner and a couple fun bars with Jesse and his friend, Kelly. Jesse was exactly the way I thought he would be. He warned me a few months ago that he is shy, but I felt very comfortable with him. His warmth and kind spirit are a wonderful thing to experience, and I look forward to getting to see him again someday.
After reading her description of our weekend, I really can't think of anything AP may have left out. First of all, my memory is shot. Secondly, her account is more entertaining than mine would be. Auburn Pisces didn't mention my feelings on cantaloupe, but I'll let her write about that another time. Let's just say that there is only one thing I would hate to eat more than cantaloupe, and I revealed it to my friends last weekend. For a hint, see the first sentence of Juju's blog post.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Nurse Toddy
Last night as I spoke to Thor on the phone he cracked his facial mask when he opened his mouth too wide. He exclaimed that he had just found a brown spider next to his bed. He told me that he had felt a spider bite him in his sleep the night before, and he was sure this little critter was the culprit. I really can't fault the spider for his appetite since I have bitten Thor in his sleep many times. He tastes delicious. Realizing this was no time to be jealous of a spider, I grabbed a medical treatment reference book and tried to shout out instructions over the phone as Thor frantically searched his medicine cabinet.
"I've just cut my ear open to let out the infection," he told me. "It's bleeding, and I'm still wearing my facial mask," he said.
"Thor, hang on. Let me read you what the book says to do," I replied.
"Now I'm pouring iodine on my ear. OWWWW!!!"
"Okay, Thor. Slow down. I think you should look for some hydrogen peroxide but I have to finish reading this section on spider bites," I told him.
"Oh, here is some Tinactin. I put Tinactin on everything," he said.
"Tinactin is for jock itch or athlete's foot, Thor. You need hydrogen peroxide," I reasoned.
"This will help," he said as I attempted to quicken my reading pace before he decided to just amputate his ear.
"Wait, Thor. Please don't put Tinactin on your ear. You have an open bleeding wound on your ear. Tinactin would not be a good idea," I begged.
"OWWWWW!!! This is worse than a tetanus shot!!!!!!" As I listened to him howling in pain, I knew I was too late to stop the inevitable Tinactin application. I tried to speak to him in a very calm voice, since Thor's ADHD, combined with a rapid heart rate, was making reasoning with him impossible.
"Baby, please listen to me," I pleaded. "You need to stop putting things on your ear now. Just wash it with water and some soap and then put a cold cloth or ice pack on it for a bit. See if it looks better in a few minutes before you keep messing with it. I think you got the infection out, but now you need to just clean it and wait."
"I am going to die," he answered.
"You are not going to die. You may only have one ear left after tonight, but you will not die. And I will still love you even if you have one ear," I said in an attempt to calm him. "Just please put a cold ice pack on your ear now," I ordered.
"Okay. I will," Thor said.
"Call me if you need me," I told him.
"I will. And, Toddy, thank you for being respectful towards me just now. I love you."
So, we survived our first medical crisis together. And I have a new appreciation for the medical profession. Maybe I will go into nursing. If all my patients looked like Thor and told me they loved me, I wouldn't even require a paycheck for my services.
"I've just cut my ear open to let out the infection," he told me. "It's bleeding, and I'm still wearing my facial mask," he said.
"Thor, hang on. Let me read you what the book says to do," I replied.
"Now I'm pouring iodine on my ear. OWWWW!!!"
"Okay, Thor. Slow down. I think you should look for some hydrogen peroxide but I have to finish reading this section on spider bites," I told him.
"Oh, here is some Tinactin. I put Tinactin on everything," he said.
"Tinactin is for jock itch or athlete's foot, Thor. You need hydrogen peroxide," I reasoned.
"This will help," he said as I attempted to quicken my reading pace before he decided to just amputate his ear.
"Wait, Thor. Please don't put Tinactin on your ear. You have an open bleeding wound on your ear. Tinactin would not be a good idea," I begged.
"OWWWWW!!! This is worse than a tetanus shot!!!!!!" As I listened to him howling in pain, I knew I was too late to stop the inevitable Tinactin application. I tried to speak to him in a very calm voice, since Thor's ADHD, combined with a rapid heart rate, was making reasoning with him impossible.
"Baby, please listen to me," I pleaded. "You need to stop putting things on your ear now. Just wash it with water and some soap and then put a cold cloth or ice pack on it for a bit. See if it looks better in a few minutes before you keep messing with it. I think you got the infection out, but now you need to just clean it and wait."
"I am going to die," he answered.
"You are not going to die. You may only have one ear left after tonight, but you will not die. And I will still love you even if you have one ear," I said in an attempt to calm him. "Just please put a cold ice pack on your ear now," I ordered.
"Okay. I will," Thor said.
"Call me if you need me," I told him.
"I will. And, Toddy, thank you for being respectful towards me just now. I love you."
So, we survived our first medical crisis together. And I have a new appreciation for the medical profession. Maybe I will go into nursing. If all my patients looked like Thor and told me they loved me, I wouldn't even require a paycheck for my services.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Hot Toddy's Customer Service
Very busy at work today. Budget. Breaks. Lunch. More Budget. Registering Students for Training.
I have only time to impart one bit of wisdom to you today. Here is what I told Juju this morning as I trained her in customer service.
"Sometimes you have to do a bit of hand-holding. Some of our internal customers (ie., stupid coworkers) require extra attention. For example, I am currently assisting an internal customer (ie., thorn in my side) who called my supervisor one day after I failed to return a phone call within three hours. So, I am making sure to give him lots of great customer service. We must always provide good service to our internal customers. Just remember, you are allowed to resent them the whole time. And, believe me, I do."
After I finished registering the jerk for his class, I sent him an e-mail letting him know his request was complete. He then called me and proceeded to read the e-mail I just sent him. "I'm just seeing if I have any questions for you," he said as he quietly read my e-mail to me. "Okay, well, you go ahead and read the e-mail I sent you and feel free to call if you have questions afterwards!" I said chirpily, as if I was Mary Fucking Poppins. I think it may take more than a spoonful of sugar to get me through this day.
I have only time to impart one bit of wisdom to you today. Here is what I told Juju this morning as I trained her in customer service.
"Sometimes you have to do a bit of hand-holding. Some of our internal customers (ie., stupid coworkers) require extra attention. For example, I am currently assisting an internal customer (ie., thorn in my side) who called my supervisor one day after I failed to return a phone call within three hours. So, I am making sure to give him lots of great customer service. We must always provide good service to our internal customers. Just remember, you are allowed to resent them the whole time. And, believe me, I do."
After I finished registering the jerk for his class, I sent him an e-mail letting him know his request was complete. He then called me and proceeded to read the e-mail I just sent him. "I'm just seeing if I have any questions for you," he said as he quietly read my e-mail to me. "Okay, well, you go ahead and read the e-mail I sent you and feel free to call if you have questions afterwards!" I said chirpily, as if I was Mary Fucking Poppins. I think it may take more than a spoonful of sugar to get me through this day.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Sempre Fidelis
One weekend a few years ago I went away with my partner for a weekend at a local resort. My plan was to get laid. It was sad that, after five or six years together, I could count the number of times we had sex in a year on one hand. There was always a distraction or a reason for his complete lack of interest in sex. I knew that, by going away with CT, I could eliminate the countless excuses. The dogs were at the kennel, the household chores were far away, and we'd both get plenty of rest and have lots of time for intimacy.
After two nights of falling asleep without sex, I knew that Sunday morning was my last chance. As much as I hate to be the only person initiating sex, I did what I had to do. The response from my partner was disappointing, to say the least. If I had wanted to sleep with a completely passive partner, I would have purchased a blow-up doll.
Frustrated, I rolled out of bed and said, "Let's just go to breakfast."
As we ate our meal, I stared down at my plate. I was frustrated that my partner, the one who once told me I made him tremble, had turned into nothing more than a roommate. Suddenly, I looked up at him and asked a question that popped into my mind with no warning whatsoever.
"Have you ever cheated on me in all the years we've been together?"
He made no effort to skirt the question. "Okay, YES!" he answered abruptly. It was as if he had been waiting for a chance to confess. He then told me that his infidelity had occurred only three weeks earlier while I was at a conference in Washington, DC. Some guy from his yoga class had asked him to come over to his place. CT countered with the suggestion that they meet for coffee. But the yoga guy said he didn't see the point of having coffee when both of them knew the real reason they were getting together.
Well, at least the yoga guy was honest. Which is more than I can say for my ex.
There was a point in my life where I was involved in an affair with someone who was partnered. In order to enjoy sex with someone I craved, I entered into a secret sexual relationship with this man, and we kept it from his partner. I always told myself that I was doing nothing wrong since I wasn't the one who had a boyfriend. I was single and having sex with someone who wanted me, and I didn't see the harm in that. Actually, I think I knew damn good and well that I was doing harm to someone, but I was selfish and didn't care.
With each new relationship, I grow and change. I have a different view of infidelity than I had a year ago. I once believed that sleeping with a "married man" wasn't cheating as long as I wasn't in a committed relationship. But now I know that, for me, that doesn't work. If someone is cheating on a partner in order to satisfy me sexually, I'm not showing much respect for myself, and I have no right to demand fidelity someday from my own partner.
Personally, I don't want to be involved with someone who isn't at a point in his life where he can commit to the same type of relationship I want. What I want is a relationship where I know that I will be honored and respected. I want to know that my relationship with a man is special. If possible, I would like it to be sacred. Set apart. I want to give my man a part of myself that nobody else has access to, and I feel like reserving sexual intimacy for my boyfriend is one way to show my commitment to him.
That said, I have a confession of my own. My own sex drive sometimes causes me to act in direct opposition to what I claim to believe. This weekend I almost crossed a line. The event itself may seem small or insignificant, but I am feeling guilty about it. While Thor visited his family for the holiday weekend, I went on a road trip to Seattle with Auburn Pisces, which I'll write more about later. On the last night of our trip, we were sitting in a bar and a really great looking guy sat directly across from me. I thought he was beautiful, and Auburn Pisces mentioned that she saw him sneaking glances at me as well. I pulled out a match book and wrote a short message to the beautiful man. I also jotted down my phone number.
As I contemplated getting up to introduce myself, I thought of Thor and how much I love him. I gave the matchbook to Auburn Pisces and said, "What the hell am I doing?" She put it away in her purse, and I tried to forget about the whole thing. As I fell asleep that night I remember worrying about that matchbook, and I feared that somehow Thor would find it. The guilt I felt about this seemingly small incident caused me to do some hard thinking about what I want in a relationship.
Tonight when I talk about this to Thor, I will do so with clarity. This weekend helped me grasp my own feelings about him, and I know without a doubt where he stands in my heart. I want him to know and understand that I want to honor him above anyone else. I want to be faithful, and if the lines of fidelity ever become blurred for either of us, I want us to speak honestly and openly about it. I hope I'm being realistic about this.
After two nights of falling asleep without sex, I knew that Sunday morning was my last chance. As much as I hate to be the only person initiating sex, I did what I had to do. The response from my partner was disappointing, to say the least. If I had wanted to sleep with a completely passive partner, I would have purchased a blow-up doll.
Frustrated, I rolled out of bed and said, "Let's just go to breakfast."
As we ate our meal, I stared down at my plate. I was frustrated that my partner, the one who once told me I made him tremble, had turned into nothing more than a roommate. Suddenly, I looked up at him and asked a question that popped into my mind with no warning whatsoever.
"Have you ever cheated on me in all the years we've been together?"
He made no effort to skirt the question. "Okay, YES!" he answered abruptly. It was as if he had been waiting for a chance to confess. He then told me that his infidelity had occurred only three weeks earlier while I was at a conference in Washington, DC. Some guy from his yoga class had asked him to come over to his place. CT countered with the suggestion that they meet for coffee. But the yoga guy said he didn't see the point of having coffee when both of them knew the real reason they were getting together.
Well, at least the yoga guy was honest. Which is more than I can say for my ex.
There was a point in my life where I was involved in an affair with someone who was partnered. In order to enjoy sex with someone I craved, I entered into a secret sexual relationship with this man, and we kept it from his partner. I always told myself that I was doing nothing wrong since I wasn't the one who had a boyfriend. I was single and having sex with someone who wanted me, and I didn't see the harm in that. Actually, I think I knew damn good and well that I was doing harm to someone, but I was selfish and didn't care.
With each new relationship, I grow and change. I have a different view of infidelity than I had a year ago. I once believed that sleeping with a "married man" wasn't cheating as long as I wasn't in a committed relationship. But now I know that, for me, that doesn't work. If someone is cheating on a partner in order to satisfy me sexually, I'm not showing much respect for myself, and I have no right to demand fidelity someday from my own partner.
Personally, I don't want to be involved with someone who isn't at a point in his life where he can commit to the same type of relationship I want. What I want is a relationship where I know that I will be honored and respected. I want to know that my relationship with a man is special. If possible, I would like it to be sacred. Set apart. I want to give my man a part of myself that nobody else has access to, and I feel like reserving sexual intimacy for my boyfriend is one way to show my commitment to him.
That said, I have a confession of my own. My own sex drive sometimes causes me to act in direct opposition to what I claim to believe. This weekend I almost crossed a line. The event itself may seem small or insignificant, but I am feeling guilty about it. While Thor visited his family for the holiday weekend, I went on a road trip to Seattle with Auburn Pisces, which I'll write more about later. On the last night of our trip, we were sitting in a bar and a really great looking guy sat directly across from me. I thought he was beautiful, and Auburn Pisces mentioned that she saw him sneaking glances at me as well. I pulled out a match book and wrote a short message to the beautiful man. I also jotted down my phone number.
As I contemplated getting up to introduce myself, I thought of Thor and how much I love him. I gave the matchbook to Auburn Pisces and said, "What the hell am I doing?" She put it away in her purse, and I tried to forget about the whole thing. As I fell asleep that night I remember worrying about that matchbook, and I feared that somehow Thor would find it. The guilt I felt about this seemingly small incident caused me to do some hard thinking about what I want in a relationship.
Tonight when I talk about this to Thor, I will do so with clarity. This weekend helped me grasp my own feelings about him, and I know without a doubt where he stands in my heart. I want him to know and understand that I want to honor him above anyone else. I want to be faithful, and if the lines of fidelity ever become blurred for either of us, I want us to speak honestly and openly about it. I hope I'm being realistic about this.
Friday, July 01, 2005
Now Serving #1
It's a quiet Friday before a three-day holiday weekend, so things are pretty slow. Juju is in her cubicle memorizing the departments from the organization chart. I'm cleaning out e-mails from my work account and running across some interesting messages.
There are several e-mails back and forth between Juju and me from when we lived together. For a while I seemed to be interested in a new guy every week, and I wonder how Juju kept up with them all. I wonder how I kept up with them all!?
Dating was like working at the DMV. Now serving #78, #79, #80....
One day I wrote her this pathetic account:
Stopped on the way to work this morning - - I was sitting in my car at the gas station checking out this really gorgeous guy in a "Lewis & Clark" sweatshirt. He had on a baseball cap - blue, blue eyes - and other nice features :)
I looked down for a second and when I looked back up he was standing there smiling at me. I felt nervous. Then he waved.
I am such a dork! I didn't wave back. I looked down again! I was embarrassed and thought there could be no way he would be interested in me.
I wish you had been there, Juju - you make me feel braver - more Jezebellish. Damn, it is so funny how my insecurity flares up at the weirdest times.
Here's an e-mail I sent her one morning:
Ryan wrote me another e-mail today and mentioned lunch again. I asked him if he needed help moving this weekend, so we'll see.
I also wrote Jim and said hello. I'll wait and see what his response is - if any.
Now serving #92, #93...
Only two days later I sent her this:
Anyway - I called Jim and we are going to the film festival first and then the haunted house thing after that. And I am really looking forward to spending time with him.
I wrote Jose and told him I couldn't go on Sunday and figured we would talk about more in person - I still want to give him a card (that you picked out) and maybe a little gift - some wine or something
Now serving #97...
Later, the same day:
Jose -
Thank you for the ballet last night. It was so much fun!
I am glad I got a chance to talk to you a bit last night about what I am looking for right now. I just need to keep dating very casual, and I hope you understand.
Yeah, the wine was given to Jose out of guilt for breaking up with him.
A couple months later it was Ivan. Now serving #98...
Then Arvin.
"Juju - Kara okay was okay. My favorite part was when Arvin dedicated a song to me. "Damn, I wish I was your lover..." by Sophie B Hawkins - wow, that was sooo hot."
2003 was a pretty busy year, but I guess I owed myself some excitement after ending a long-term relationship.
My counter ran out and started over recently. I have no doubt that I am now serving #1. Thor is like nobody I've ever known. Waiting for him makes all the other numbers I've served worth it. How could I truly value what I've found unless I had been through all those other experiences? I'm so happy to be where I am right now. The man I am with can walk into my house and instantly make me feel joyful. His strength makes me hot. I know this sounds weird, but he smells like the guy I'm supposed to be with. And if he heard me say that (or if he ever read this blog) he would laugh and shake his head and say, "my boyfriend" in that fake exasperated way that you only reserve for people you're in love with.
There are several e-mails back and forth between Juju and me from when we lived together. For a while I seemed to be interested in a new guy every week, and I wonder how Juju kept up with them all. I wonder how I kept up with them all!?
Dating was like working at the DMV. Now serving #78, #79, #80....
One day I wrote her this pathetic account:
Stopped on the way to work this morning - - I was sitting in my car at the gas station checking out this really gorgeous guy in a "Lewis & Clark" sweatshirt. He had on a baseball cap - blue, blue eyes - and other nice features :)
I looked down for a second and when I looked back up he was standing there smiling at me. I felt nervous. Then he waved.
I am such a dork! I didn't wave back. I looked down again! I was embarrassed and thought there could be no way he would be interested in me.
I wish you had been there, Juju - you make me feel braver - more Jezebellish. Damn, it is so funny how my insecurity flares up at the weirdest times.
Here's an e-mail I sent her one morning:
Ryan wrote me another e-mail today and mentioned lunch again. I asked him if he needed help moving this weekend, so we'll see.
I also wrote Jim and said hello. I'll wait and see what his response is - if any.
Now serving #92, #93...
Only two days later I sent her this:
Anyway - I called Jim and we are going to the film festival first and then the haunted house thing after that. And I am really looking forward to spending time with him.
I wrote Jose and told him I couldn't go on Sunday and figured we would talk about more in person - I still want to give him a card (that you picked out) and maybe a little gift - some wine or something
Now serving #97...
Later, the same day:
Jose -
Thank you for the ballet last night. It was so much fun!
I am glad I got a chance to talk to you a bit last night about what I am looking for right now. I just need to keep dating very casual, and I hope you understand.
Yeah, the wine was given to Jose out of guilt for breaking up with him.
A couple months later it was Ivan. Now serving #98...
Then Arvin.
"Juju - Kara okay was okay. My favorite part was when Arvin dedicated a song to me. "Damn, I wish I was your lover..." by Sophie B Hawkins - wow, that was sooo hot."
2003 was a pretty busy year, but I guess I owed myself some excitement after ending a long-term relationship.
My counter ran out and started over recently. I have no doubt that I am now serving #1. Thor is like nobody I've ever known. Waiting for him makes all the other numbers I've served worth it. How could I truly value what I've found unless I had been through all those other experiences? I'm so happy to be where I am right now. The man I am with can walk into my house and instantly make me feel joyful. His strength makes me hot. I know this sounds weird, but he smells like the guy I'm supposed to be with. And if he heard me say that (or if he ever read this blog) he would laugh and shake his head and say, "my boyfriend" in that fake exasperated way that you only reserve for people you're in love with.
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