I hate to ruin a perfectly good Friday with pessimistic thoughts, but this really can't wait. I have allowed you to skip and jump through the happy crumbs of my toaster oven long enough. It is time to act like adults. We need to sober up and get real. There are dangers all around us, and we must prepare to meet threats with confidence and courage. That is why I think it is important for each of us to have a plan of action in case we are kidnapped by pirates.
The first thing I plan to do is hide from the pirates. Well, after they rape me, I mean. But immediately after being raped, I shall go hide somewhere on the pirate ship. I'll hide in the galley or the promenade deck (where Julie the Cruise Director organized the shuffleboard games on the Princess) or I will hide in the casino under the craps table.
Once I am found, which could take hours if I'm lucky and lots of pirates are crowding around the craps table blocking me from view with their peg legs, I'll surrender to another round of raping. Then, when they try to make me swab the deck, I will pull out my secret weapon: I will mock them.
"Listen, I saw the movie about you people, and let me just say that none of you are even close to being as sexy as Johnny Depp."
"Hey, Captain McHooky, can you scratch my back for me?"
The taunts would continue until each and every pirate hung his head in shame. Then, after they raped me one more time, I would make them let me go.
I share my plan for pirate kidnapping to inspire you to formulate your own strategy. The day is coming. How will you escape the pirates?