Featured Post

Seething Cakes of Hatred

Making pancakes, as I learned at AP's birthday bash at the beach this weekend, is an unbelievably tedious chore. I don't know why I...

Wednesday, July 27, 2005


I finally decided to just get rid of everything. I am keeping a bed, bookshelf, nightstand, and a couple lamps. So far, I've mostly moved books and pictures into the loft. I went through my belongings and took the things that meant the most to me, but I'm getting rid of much more than I'm keeping.

Today I'm going to Goodwill after work with The Handsome Prince. We're dropping off a couch, a futon, bags of clothes and a couple lamps. It strikes me as odd that I can so easily part with items I once cared about. Our attachments are not always permanent, and this can go for relationships too.

I think about the people in my life who have gradually disappeared, and it makes me sad. Relationships that once meant the world to me have vanished, although there is nowhere to place the blame. We simply moved on and found other relationships.

I have not communicated with my grandmother in years. She once wrote me a letter criticizing my mother and blaming her for the problems between my parents. I suppose it is natural for her to take her son's side, but I disagreed strongly with her assessment of my mother's character, and I responded with several angry pages letting her know she was out of line. I never heard from my grandmother again. I have good memories of her, but I feel like she cut me off the day I dared to express an opinion that differed from hers. So, I never tried to reconcile, and I wonder if I will regret it someday.

I'll be heading to Dallas for a family visit in a few weeks, and I suppose the visit will cause me to reflect on my blood relations, but there are so many times that I just don't crave a closeness with them. My boyfriend has several gay relatives, including a lesbian sister, but I am (to my knowledge) the only gay person in my family. This makes me a complete outcast at times, since I come from a conservative and somewhat narrow-minded family. I envy Thor, because he can be so open with his family. I picture my visit to Dallas as a dark cloud, and my main concern is how to hide the Maker's Mark so I can sit by the pool after everyone goes to bed and drink until I'm tired.

If only there were a donation center for relationship baggage. I would love to unload some of the junk cluttering up my life. I know that one of my faults is giving up on people. I will give my heart completely, but if I am hurt badly, there is a steel door in my heart that closes forever. Resurrecting my affections seems impossible in these cases. In blogging there is an easy way of dealing with someone who hurts or betrays you. You can just delink them and move on. In real life, there is more baggage involved. You have to sort through the piles of stuff and figure out which parts of a relationship you want to hang onto and which parts you want to throw away. Lately, I'm tossing more than I'm keeping. Maybe I am just making room for better things to come my way. Only time will tell.

No comments: