So Not Cool

I slept at my loft for the first time last night. This is the first time in 15 years that I have lived by myself, which is kind of crazy if I really think about it. When I was in the cult, I lived in an apartment with five guys from the church. After fleeing that situation, I lived, to my shame, with my parents for eight months. Then I moved in with my first boyfriend, CT. After we split, I lived with Juju and then The Handsome Prince. Now, at the age of 38, I am on my own.

My first night at the loft was interesting. The first thing I did was lock myself out of the building. Each resident has a key fob that automatically unlocks the building, but I left mine upstairs in the loft. So I stood on the sidewalk hoping somebody would come in or out so I could explain my plight. But after 15 minutes, I remembered the name of a realtor who lives on my floor. Although I have never met him, I dialed him up and introduced myself. Because he had loud jazz playing in the background, I had to yell so everyone walking by on the sidewalk could hear what an idiot I am.

"Hi, David! You don't know me! I am Hot Toddy, your new neighbor. I have already locked myself out, and I'm sorry to bug you so late. Could you let me in?"

"What?"

"HI DAVID! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I AM HOT TODDY, YOUR NEW NEIGHBOR, AND I'VE LOCKED MYSELF OUT. SORRY TO BUG YOU SO LATE! COULD YOU LET ME IN??"

"Are you the tall blonde guy?"

"YES!"

So, he let me in, Once I got back into my place, all I wanted to do was wash off the sweat from a long hot day, but I couldn't figure out how to operate the shower. No, really, it's hard. Stop laughing. You don't understand - the faucet is really weird. Anyway, after I took a bath, I put up some pictures of Thor and set the one of us kissing right next to my bed. Then I turned on the radio, couldn't bear listening to Delilah's sad love songs and dedications, turned off the radio, and settled into bed. I had forgotten to bring pillows for my first night, so I wadded up a towel for my head, grabbed the rope Thor gave me (long story), wrapped part of it around my forearm, and went to sleep.

I thought living in a cool loft would instantly make me cool. Instead, I am the neighbor who locks himself out, uses towels for pillows, and sleeps with a rope. I'll never be one of the cool kids, will I?